MultiO Studies

The Sexual Life of Children: Sex Impulses Without Shame >>
Encouraging the Child's Healthy Sexual Development
New Knowledge for Parents and Other Adults

by David Oliver Cauldwell, Floyd Mansfield Martinson and Alayne Yates
From:
Cauldwell, D.O. The child and the sex impulse (1948),
Martinson, F. The Sexual Life of Children (1994) &
Yates, A. Sex without Shame (1978)

To our sexy children who taught us most of what we know

Preface Introduction Part I Understanding the Child's Sexuality Chapter 1 Early Development and Experience • Sensuous Children? ◦ Our Microscopic Beginning Chapter 2 Self-Stimulation • Parenting Paperbacks Chapter 3 Sex Play in Childhood and Preadolescence ◦ Sexual Activities of Children • Sex Dysfunction in Childhood • Enfant Terrible • Slum Sex • The Angry Erection • Keep It in the Family Chapter 4 Same-Sex Sex Play Chapter 5 Dreams, Fantasies, and Myths • Sex is Work Chapter 6 Sexual Encounters with Older Children, Adolescents, and Adults Children and the Law What Next? Part II Enriching the Child's Sexual Response Chapter 7 Dirty Old Men Sex and Sacrilege Sexuality Education • Getting to the Roots • Building Blocks • Infant Stimulation Revisited • Sex and the Potty Chair • Have You Got what I Got? • Oedipus Accentuated • How to Play Ping-Pong with No Table • The Endless Transition Other Countries, Other Styles Challenge to Change Conclusion Epilogue Bibliography

Selected citations

In healthy sex play children accept as much contact as they wish, and there's never any exploitation.

Only the erotic children blessed with sexually enthusiastic parents remain open and interested.

Although he's failed in his first seduction, he remains proud of his genitals. He's ready and willing to try again.

Yet most children learn precious little about sex except what they pick up from each other.

A latency-age boy possesses monumental erectile capacity. When ejaculation isn't present, he can progress from one orgasm to the next without needing to rest. From about age eight he notes a buildup phase which intensifies his pleasure. Ejaculations may begin as early as nine or ten. The middle-class boy may attempt vaginal penetration, but as neither he nor his partner is experienced, he usually settles for rubbing against the labia.

"Nudist party" is a liberated version of strip poker in which frolics and fantasy abound. In one such party, a boy who unwittingly referred to his penis as a "wiener" was lavished with all the accouterments including bun, ketchup, mustard, and relish. His "wiener" remained happily erect in spite of the ketchup, which was fresh from the refrigerator. It was still too small for the bun, a fact which only increased the merriment. In another such party, girls decorated each available penis with streamers, balloons, and a painted face. In "nudist party" boys receive the lion's share of attention and a prodigious increase in penis pride.

Another subtle reproach is to rationalize masturbation by relating it to a more acceptable function. Pleasuring is tolerated because Carol must learn about her body, or because Jason is nervous and needs to relax, or because the child hasn't emerged from a certain stage. Progress is equated with the relinquishment of pleasure.

At night a child overhears his mother's hasty whisper, "Don't, Harry — this is a bad time!" or "Not now, can't you wait?" The child understands that the mother is being forced, and that the mother dislikes sex. This is more upsetting than overhearing intercourse.

After a year of unconsummated marriage, Janet and her husband, Larry, consulted a sex therapist, who instructed Larry to gradually insert one lubricated finger and eventually two. Bit by bit, Janet became accustomed to this strange sensation. As she relaxed, she felt pleasure for the first time. Janet was desensitized with difficulty at age twenty-five, a process that would have been simpler at age fifteen.

Sex is viewed as many things other than normal and healthy.

If sex were condoned from childhood, early adolescent homosexual liaisons would be less important. Children's sex play would follow an uninterrupted continuum, gradually evolving into heterosexual coitus. In our culture, early adolescent homosexual liaisons involving sex play are frequent, normal and necessary. They pave the way to later heterosexual unions. Especially for girls, they provide remediation for the abysmal lack of earlier sex experience. Shame is ameliorated while sensate foci are developed. Girls learn what feels good and how to ask for it.

In the middle class, most early adolescents are totally unprepared for heterosexual coitus. Pointed comments about sex can frighten the youth and make him feel even more inadequate than he felt initially.

Although an excellent student, fourteen-year-old Chester was shy and had never made friends or indulged in sex play. He lived alone with his divorced mother, a responsible but mousy woman. One evening Chester left his door wide open while he lay masturbating on his bed. The apartment was tiny and Chester's room centrally located, so that his mother couldn't avoid noticing. She tried her best to pay no attention, but she was too nervous to concentrate on anything else. Finally she asked him to shut the door. Chester acted as if he didn't hear, and continued to masturbate. He repeated this performance several times each week. Chester was dealing with the same issues as a four-year-old who plays "waterworks" or "show me." He was assessing the value of his penis.

The middle adolescent of fourteen to sixteen is in a unique position, admirably suited to erotic growth. Boys can have frequent ejaculations with little respite. Pleasuring can easily be enriched when the level of shame permits. Sex can truly be a gift freely given, with no strings attached.

Through multiple couplings, the youth appreciates what sort of partner is comfortable and what kind of relationship fulfilling.

A boy needs to know that ejaculation, however frequent, is normal and doesn't debilitate or cause mental problems. Ejaculations may be presented as an intensely pleasurable gift, infinitely renewable.

A girl needs to know that she possesses as strong a sex drive as a boy and that her satisfaction is equally important. She needs to understand that nice girls do talk about and can initiate sex, and that fantasies are both enjoyable and useful. She needs practice in saying "yes," just as she needs practice in saying "no." For the latter, she should be aware that boys aren't harmed by not being able to ejaculate.

Erotic movies are less attractive to girls than to boys simply because they're made by men, for men. Men are portrayed as infinitely potent and women as receptacles entranced by the proficiency of the penis. Heroines savor the taste of semen as they would a cheese fondue. When adolescents attend pornographic films, the result is an immediate arousal. Intercourse or masturbation is more likely in the hours which follow. Perverse scenes aren't imitated unless the tendency already exists. Repeated exposure to erotic movies dulls the appetite and lessens the effect.

Males have traditionally been easily aroused at the sight of a nude woman. Yet only a minority of women are excited when they see a naked man. A number report mild revulsion on viewing a penis, which reflects a longstanding inhibition of their sexual response. However, women are changing. Dr. Seymour Fisher states that: "...not only are many women highly aroused by visual stimuli (some women reach a level of arousal that few men attain) but also that the main differences between the two sexes are small and almost nonexistent in the most recent samples studied. ... I would suggest that the small differences which now are detected will disappear as soon as it is more socially acceptable for women to be 'turned on' by visual sexual stimuli, and also to admit it freely."

Still, many girls touch a penis as if they could catch poison ivy. Even at the varsity swim meet they avoid glancing below the waist. The less constricted describe the penis as small or large but never as impressive or handsome. Yet the girl who can delight in the sight of the male organ will enjoy her mate's, thus adding to the pleasure of both. How can a parent facilitate this? A mother can aid the adolescent girl by demonstrating active appreciation. She can glowingly appraise a graceful Greek youth, sans fig leaf, at the museum of ancient history, or an eloquent etching from The Joy of Sex. The purchase of a painting, certain posters, or even a subscription to Playgirl can carry the message.

If sexual experiences produce children with a healthy and direct interest in sex, what do we as parents have to fear? Our fears are as prolific as our fantasies. The monster of sexual pleasure, once loosed, might no longer be controllable. Children would experiment together sexually on the front porch, or rape and incest would become common. Imagine if you will a trip to the supermarket with your small sexy child. How embarrassing to find him with one hand stroking a melon and the other in his pants!

When does the intimacy of infancy cease? It is permissible, after all, to allow the suckling eight-month-old infant absently to finger the mother's other nipple? When does the needy, innocent infant become a threat to the parent's sense of morality? This depends upon the mother's comfort with her own sexuality. If we fear the monster within, then we dread the monster in our child.

That Paula was both aggressive and sexually responsive is no accident. In bed and at the office she asks for what she wants, without shame or fear of rejection. This ability to take risks is a prime therapy goal of the sex clinics. The woman who expects that her partner will automatically know her needs must feel resentful when he fails. She remains inert, patiently waiting, and still too embarrassed and frightened to ask. Finally she gives up and passively accepts the crumbs from the banquet. On the other hand, the sexually aggressive woman frees her mate from the responsibility of masterminding her orgasm and actively reassures him of his virility and expertise. Assertion can also provide the woman with other important benefits. The aggressive girl is better adjusted, less likely to suffer emotional disorders, develops a higher IQ, and attains greater achievement.

I am certain that the immense erotic enrichment prior to puberty will serve as protective armor against later sexual dysfunctions. Melting erections and absent climaxes are unlikely where erotic play and orgasms have become a way of life.

It's high time to rethink and redirect our efforts toward providing the child with a firm erotic foundation. We need to augment penis pride, clitoral consciousness, and a sense of potency. We can accomplish this through considered encouragement and the open acceptance of children as sexual beings. Once a firm erotic foundation is laid, sexual expression can be gently shaped through principles of honesty and responsibility.

Fourteen-year-old Chester was such a youth. Although an excellent student, Chester was shy and had never made friends or indulged in sex play. He lived alone with his divorced mother, a responsible but mousy woman. One evening Chester left his door wide open while he lay masturbating on his bed. The apartment was tiny and Chester's room centrally located, so that his mother couldn't avoid noticing. She tried her best to pay no attention, but she was too nervous to concentrate on anything else. Finally she asked him to shut the door. Chester acted as if he didn't hear, and continued to masturbate. He repeated this performance several times each week. After a month, his mother was a nervous wreck. She consulted a male psychologist who suggested that Chester enter treatment. The psychologist learned that Chester fully appreciated his mother's upset. Her bewilderment made him feel strong. When his therapist asked if he wanted to make love with his mother, Chester was shocked and angry. In fact, he couldn't imagine sex with anyone. Chester was dealing with the same issues as a four-year-old who plays "waterworks" or "show me." He was assessing the value of his penis. It had to be powerful if it could upset his mother like that. As Chester continued in treatment he derived a firmer sense of maleness through his therapist. He joined the ecology club, worked on the school newspaper, and gradually made friends.

The middle adolescent of fourteen to sixteen is in a unique position, admirably suited to erotic growth. Boys can have frequent ejaculations with little respite. Both sexes have boundless energy and multiple opportunities. Pleasuring can easily be enriched when the level of shame permits. Tomorrow seems far away. Concepts such as security and commitment are not yet relevant. Sex can truly be a gift freely given, with no strings attached.

Through multiple couplings, the youth appreciates what sort of partner is comfortable and what kind of relationship fulfilling.

A boy needs to know that ejaculation, however frequent, is normal and doesn't debilitate or cause mental problems. Those archaic concepts are still alive in the locker room. Ejaculations may be presented as an intensely pleasurable gift, infinitely renewable.

A girl needs to know that she possesses as strong a sex drive as a boy and that her satisfaction is equally important. She needs to assume the ultimate responsibility for her own arousal, which means finding out what pleases, and asking for it. She needs to understand that nice girls do talk about and can initiate sex, and that fantasies are both enjoyable and useful. You can support her right to decide what she wants and when she wants it. She needs practice in saying "yes," just as she needs practice in saying "no." For the latter, she should be aware that boys aren't harmed by not being able to ejaculate.

Erotic movies are ostensibly forbidden and therefore more intriguing to the teenager. Entrance is easy, and the experience entertaining to say the least. Although some material can be upsetting, the eroticism rarely is. These movies are less attractive to girls than to boys simply because they're made by men, for men. Men are portrayed as infinitely potent and women as receptacles entranced by the proficiency of the penis. Heroines savor the taste of semen as they would a cheese fondue. When adolescents attend pornographic films, the result is an immediate arousal. Intercourse or masturbation is more likely in the hours which follow. Perverse scenes aren't imitated unless the tendency already exists. Repeated exposure to erotic movies dulls the appetite and lessens the effect.

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