Yates. Chapter 6
<< Sex Dysfunction in Childhood >>

The recognition of sexual function as a learned response explodes one of the most damaging concepts of our century: that sexual problems necessarily connote far-reaching emotional problems or mental illness. Conversely, an excellent sexual performance doesn't mean mental health or the absence of emotional problems. The presence of good sexual function merely means that there has been the opportunity to expand and develop the sex drive, in the absence of specific trauma. Sex therapists enable the dysfunctional adult to develop expertise and accrue confidence through rewarding erotic experiences. Therapy simply provides the opportunities and encouragement which rightfully should have occurred in childhood.

Parents today are vastly more sophisticated than past generations. They seldom traumatize the child with threats or punishment. Adult impotence or "frigidity" is rarely based on paralyzing fears or raw revulsion. Today's common problems arise from misinterpretations, shame, anxiety, and a lack of self-confidence. Today's concerns are: "What if he doesn't like my breasts?" "Maybe I smell bad," "It's not as firm as it should be," "She doesn't enjoy it as much as she should," and "I'm not hung like that horse she was married to before." Sex traumas are quite insignificant compared to yesteryear's threats of insanity and clitoral cautery. Now the traumas are subtle, such as being caught with your pants down, an unfavorable comparison with another boy's penis, or a chance bathroom confrontation with a naked parent. Yet these relatively minor events somehow result in sexual problems that bedevil an estimated fifty percent of marriages. Small traumas can produce such profound effects only if the child already feels sexually inadequate, confused, or ashamed. This happens because we parents don't transmit enthusiasm, provide direction, or aid in the development of a firm erotic base.

The following cases illustrate how parents unknowingly contribute to the child's low sexual self-confidence and susceptibility to minor trauma. Most of these examples are of normal children raised by well-accepted methods.

David

David was the youngest of five boys born to stable, intelligent parents who were both college graduates. Although the parents had moved away from a literal interpretation of the Bible, they attended church regularly and taught their children responsibility, patience, and good work habits. The older boys were successful and productive community members.

David was a "late blessing," the youngest by ten years. He received more attention and had fewer responsibilities than his brothers. When he was three years old he enjoyed rubbing and pulling at his penis while sitting on the toilet. His mother observed this and hastened to zip his pants up. After that she made certain he had a book or toy to occupy his time while enthroned. She was careful not to leave him there too long. About a year later David observed one dog mount another and ran to ask his father what they were doing. The father threw a stick and shouted so that the dogs ran off. By age five David's sex education consisted of his Sunday school teacher's comments on certain Bible stories. He knew that adults were upset if he opened doors without knocking, but the most he had ever witnessed was his mother in bra and panties.

When he was six, his favorite older brother eloped with a girl of a different faith. David missed his brother. He sensed the family turmoil and his father's anger. He overheard his father say that this was "the worst thing that could ever happen." At age seven, David related a joke he had heard at school about a little boy who took a bath with his mother. The same tale that had evoked uproarious laughter from classmates was greeted by stony silence at home. His mother said it was not a nice joke and not to tell any more like that. Shortly before this incident, David had begun playing with his penis again, this time carefully concealed under the bedcovers at night. After the joke fiasco he stopped pleasuring and wondered if dirty thoughts had made him bad, like his favorite brother who had never returned home. Overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and worthlessness, David spent long hours alone and exhibited some puzzling behavior. He neglected his chores and was reprimanded; he forgot to take a pencil to school until his teacher sent home a note. Although he had been an excellent student, the letters and syllables seemed hopelessly mixed and he began to fail in reading. Every type of remediation was ineffective. David's parents were frustrated, angry, and concerned.

Finally, David was brought for psychiatric treatment. During the first months of therapy, he played listlessly and remained aloof. He filled a pail with sand and dumped it again and again. He worried that his hands were soiled, and often visited the bathroom. In the third month, he smiled spontaneously and began to use a variety of playthings — puppets, paints, Play-Doh, and dart guns. Now he enjoyed our sessions "a lot." One day we talked about how babies were born. David was silent and picked at his ear. Suddenly he asked if babies would die from "dirty things." Even with my reassurance he refused to elaborate — instead he struck the long-nosed alligator puppet again and again against the sink. In the next session David was sullen and distrustful. Once more he poured the sand from one vessel to the next. Silently I modeled a large red Play-Doh penis on a baby doll. He stared at it intently for several moments. Abruptly, he flew at the doll and smashed the penis with his fist. "I know what that is!" he screamed. In the weeks that followed, more organs were constructed and demolished. I asked if he ever wanted to do that to himself. There followed a torrent of words interspersed with tears. His penis was "dirty, rotten, evil, and it stinks." This was because he had played with himself even though he knew it was bad. He said, "If you did that God would hate you and kick you out of your house."

David's parents were astonished. They had never punished David or told him that sex was evil. Fortunately, they understood, and reassured David that he was not bad and would not be sent away. His father gave him permission to masturbate by relating his own early pleasures and concerns. David again read fluently and remembered to take pencils to class.

Because David had little positive information or experience, he grossly misinterpreted events. Ashamed and miserable, he attempted to deny all erotic feelings, engaging only in clean respectable activities. This was all too much for David, and so he became symptomatic. If David had had reassurance, encouragement, and permission to engage in sex play, therapy would have been unnecessary.

Meg

Meg was the younger of two children born to a couple who seemed absolutely mismated. Meg's father was a complaining, jealous man who rarely said anything nice. Mother was highly erratic. She purchased expensive dresses and worthless baubles, depleting the family bank account. She reacted to her husband's recriminations with profuse tears. If this wouldn't deter him she threatened to leave, once screaming that the only reason she hadn't left years before was because of "those stupid brats." When not upset, she was an adequate but uninspired mother.

Meg recalled her childhood as filled with uncertainty. When she was five, her parents separated and she was sent to live with her grandmother, where she remained for three years. The grandmother was an unwilling sitter who only accepted her charge to "keep her out of the orphan's home." It was then that Meg encountered an exhibitionist in the alley behind her grandmother's apartment. Instead of fleeing, she crouched against the wall and stared wide-eyed at his full erection. He approached and ejaculated within a few feet of her face. She never told anyone, assuming they would be angry. She knew little about sex, although she had participated in a few mild sex games and had seen a film at school.

Intelligent and hardworking, Meg was granted a scholarship to a prestigious university. There she became known for her ability to organize student activities. She maintained her composure under difficult circumstances, once intervening successfully for a classmate who was being expelled. She dated frequently, petted occasionally, but remained a virgin. At age twenty, she realized that she was the only neophyte in her entire circle of friends. Not to be different, she acquiesced on the next date, an event she later referred to as her "backseat initiation ceremony."

Following graduation from college Meg was uneasy. Several of her friends were married, and others had moved away. Her position as a management trainee in a large department store presented little challenge. During the next six months she selected, attracted, bedded, and wedded the son of the owner of her department store's largest competitor. She felt comfortable as a newly married young woman, although she was only vaguely aroused in bed. Having studied Kinsey, she recognized that this was not unusual. She awaited the orgasms which were sure to commence after several months or years of marriage. When she and her compliant husband finally arrived at the sex therapy clinic, she had already visited gynecologists, tried acupuncture and hypnosis, and had even obtained the female equivalent of a circumcision. Repeated failures had increased her sense of inadequacy.

It's tempting to blame Meg's sexual problems on her encounter with the exhibitionist. Indeed she was "traumatized," but in large part because she already felt utterly helpless — unable to flee or become angry. Adults had always seemed threatening and unpredictable. She had never seen a penis under more favorable circumstances or received any positive messages about sex. Greater confidence in any area, but especially sex, would have lessened the impact. As an adult, Meg's gravest fear was criticism. To prevent this, she strove for perfection by doing all the "right" things. An orgasm became a product like a management report or a well-decorated room. The more anxious she became, the more elusive her pleasure.

Herb

Herb was seven when he was brought for psychiatric evaluation because he had bluntly asked several little girls to lower their panties so he could look. After one distraught mother complained, Herb's father told him that it wasn't right, and not to do it again. Herb seemed to understand, but attempted to pull down another girl's panties that same afternoon.

Herb's early development was unremarkable except for clumsiness that kept him from hitting a baseball and being chosen for a team at school. At the age of four he had been circumcised because of adhesions and infections about the foreskin. Herb had not asked questions nor did he appear anxious before the operation. After the surgery he cried plaintively, but soon was quiet.

In his first session, Herb appeared to be a wide-eyed lad with a slight stutter and a need to please adults. He wouldn't discuss his voyeuristic activities at all. After several months he asked to see his female therapist's genitals. She had some difficulty in dealing with this request and Herb steadfastly refused to discuss his reasons. Eventually she provided him with pictures, diagrams, and explanations. He next asked her to view his "wee-wee." This she did, reassuring him that it looked perfectly all right. Herb appeared relieved, and for the first time asked her if she had any children of her own.

Prior to his circumcision, Herb had no idea whether his penis was good, bad, or indifferent because no one ever talked about it or paid any attention to it. He thought it might not be too good because it was always covered up. When the infection began he was told not to touch it because it would get dirty. Then the operation removed something and made his penis better. Also, it hurt — so it certainly must have been bad. Herb's voyeuristic penchant was an attempt to gain information and reassurance. Were girls like that because they were dirty and had an operation? Would he have another operation and become a girl? What if he didn't touch his penis so that it would stay clean? Was it clean now? Could adults like his penis and want him to keep it? All these questions would have been unnecessary if Herb had known before the operation that his penis was handsome and valuable in the eyes of his parents.

Warren

Warren's parents were well-to-do. His father was the owner of a successful chain of restaurants and often traveled about the country. His mother did little in the father's absence, since there were servants in the house, including a governess for the two young boys. The governess kept the children clean and neatly dressed. She took them to the Tiny Tot's Theatre and taught them not to interrupt adult conversation. Although the father had little to do with the children he maintained high expectations for their behavior much as he did for his own.

When Warren, who was the older boy, was reported by his second-grade teacher for stealing a rock specimen, father twisted his ear. Later Warren twisted the ear of the family dog. The next summer Warren persuaded a neighbor girl, a year older, to play "Mommy and Daddy" with him. Although Warren had never spied on his parents he had studied copulating animals and a sex manual from the family library. His game consisted of placing his three-inch-long erect penis between the thighs of his partner. For months following this event he extorted money from the neighbor girl by threatening to tell her parents. At age nine he was routinely stealing money from his mother's purse and by eleven he was depleting the family's liquor supply. The parents presented him for psychiatric evaluation at age thirteen after he informed his father that his mother had taken a lover. Through this falsehood he had almost demolished the parents' marriage. Mother recalled that she had fired several servants that year because of Warren's reports of clandestine activities.

When Warren was seen alone he readily admitted his fabrications and spontaneously recounted a list of ingenious misdeeds. One of the maids who had been fired had refused to grant him sexual favors, although her successor had been coerced into doing so.

Warren's governess had felt it was not her responsibility to tell the boys about sex. Her close supervision of all their activities had effectively prevented any sex play when they were young. By the time Warren was five he had discovered that "dirty words" were a sure way to upset his governess, who would not tell his parents for fear of losing her job. Sexuality became a powerful tool for revenge.

Ann

Ann was the only girl among three children born to a minister and his wife. Both parents were content in their life's work and in their relationship to one another. Ann's mother gave her children more than adequate nurturance in spite of church-related duties and the fact that all three children were born in the space of only four years.

As an adult, Ann recalled her parents' emphasis on the daintiness of little girls. "Sugar and spice, and everything nice..." She was expected to smell sweeter and remain cleaner than boys, and never to fight back. Boys could show off and do "dirty things" that were taboo for girls. At home, sex was alluded to but never discussed.

As a little girl, Ann received more attention than the boys, which was most irritating to her older brother, Richard. He took delight in surreptitiously punching her and then denying it. At other times he would push her in the water or kick her for no apparent reason. Never did he cause her any injury severe enough to leave a mark. At first Ann ran in tears to her mother. Richard absolutely denied any misdeed, stating firmly, "She only wants attention." The mother, busy and frustrated, would tell both to be good and play nicely together.

One day, Richard really was kind to Ann. With two friends he inveigled her into an excavation in a nearby wooded lot. They had "something really good" to show her. Once in the pit they proposed a contest to see how far each person could project a stream of urine. The winner would receive a candy bar. Softened by her brother's solicitude, Ann agreed to compete even though she realized that her equipment was not the best. The boys clapped, laughed, and peered closely as Ann made an unparalleled attempt. Ann recalled the experience as a pleasurable one, more for her brother's acceptance than for the erotic sensation. Afterward she felt increasingly guilty and inadequate. Her brother had lost interest in the game and in fact had found a new pastime. He required acts of servitude from Ann such as scratching his back for hours or bringing him food in the middle of the night. She had long since ceased complaining to her parents.

Compliant and well-mannered, Ann was never identified as a problem in childhood. She remained a virgin until the age of twenty, when she married a conventional young man who taught school. This union produced three children in five years. At age twenty-six Ann entered therapy. She could not identify a specific problem except that she was making her tolerant husband miserable. During the day she followed a rigid, joyless schedule which allowed her no time for herself. At night sexual expression was precluded by twenty rules. Her husband could not expect sex when the children were awake, in the week prior to or during her menstruation, after a heavy meal, while she was pregnant, in the early morning, or in the evening after ten o'clock. Her husband avoided placing any more demands on his already overworked wife.

Tractable, clean, and inhibited, Ann was shaped by her parents' teachings. As she had not been taught that sexual pleasures were nice, she assumed they were part of the aggressive, dirty delights reserved for boys. Too frightened to express her resentment of males directly, she barricaded herself and denied her husband sexual pleasure.

Shirley

Shirley was clearly her father's favorite little girl. She had inherited his red hair, good looks, and "feisty" manner. The father preferred her company on walks and in the car. When the family watched television, Shirley's place was on Daddy's lap in the reclining chair. The mother denied any jealousy but gave Shirley less attention than the others because she had so much from the father.

Shirley did not remember any early sexual information or experiences although she knew that her brothers also enjoyed touching her. At about age eleven she thought her father had an erection while she snuggled against him. Afterwards he was more restrained and no longer allowed her on his lap. Among classmates Shirley was the most popular girl, known for her cheerfulness and vivacity. During high school she fell in and out of love at least ten times. She wished to become an actress or a stewardess, but her grades were quite mediocre.

Following high school Shirley worked briefly at a soda fountain while she dreamed of other careers. At the age of nineteen she met and quickly married an airline pilot and then moved to rural Arizona. There she felt lonely and developed splitting headaches. She anticipated Friday nights when her husband was home and would take her dancing. At the dance hall she flirted with other men and talked incessantly. Shirley was furious when one Friday her husband indicated that he would rather stay quietly at home. She accused him of being inconsiderate and capped her grievances by screaming at the top of her lungs that he had given her no orgasms in the four years they had been married. This came as a surprise, because she had always faked her response. Shirley's husband used this inadvertent disclosure as a wedge to involve her in joint marriage counseling.

Shirley's early life with her indulgent father was like a giveaway show without any need to earn approval. She received every gratification without effort. Her sexual response remained as immature as her character. She married another "Daddy" and expected him to provide infinite attention with little responsibility.

Joe

Joe was the younger of two brothers. His mother was a divorcée who supported the family by working as a supermarket cashier. Joe never knew his natural father, who had disappeared shortly after his birth. When Joe was three years old there was a stepfather in the house for several months. He drank every evening and was often too sick to work. Older brother Cliff cared for Joe while Mother worked. Discipline consisted of a kick or a shove and a threat that worse might happen if Joe ratted on him. In preschool years Joe was timid and remained as close as possible to his mother. When she was gone he played with the little girl next door in spite of Cliff's taunts. When he was six some older boys forced him to rub and lick her genitals. Then they laughed at him and pushed him out of the garage. Terribly ashamed, he never told his mother. In the second grade he was bullied, bruised, and heckled as a "baby." Finally, Mother and Cliff decided that Joe must learn to fight back. His grandfather bought him boxing gloves and entered him in a karate school. Joe not only learned to retaliate but developed a reputation as a small but scrappy kid.

At age twelve Joe was given a dirt bike. With an earsplitting roar, he soared over ditches and raced with his friends around the dump. Throughout high school he preferred tinkering with his motorcycle to studying or going out with girls. By the time Joe graduated, most of his buddies had sweethearts who rode behind and watched the races. Gradually Joe began to like Mary, his best friend's sister. Mary described Joe as quiet but deep. She liked to talk and felt that Joe truly understood her. After several months they were married.

A year after the wedding Joe was employed as a mechanic and still spent his weekends riding motorcycles in local races. He didn't drink or gamble, and he brought his paycheck home regularly. He expected his meals to be ready on time and the house to be clean. Mary was pregnant with their first child. She wished she had trained as a practical nurse before marriage. She described Joe as insensitive and less interested in her than in motorcycles. Lovemaking was perfunctory, and Mary was left irritable and restless. One evening she began to suck on a cough drop at bedtime. Joe's sketchy foreplay, penetration, and rapid ejaculation happened so fast that the cough drop was still intact when he finished. When Mary attempted to discuss this with Joe and a marriage counselor Joe looked uncomfortable and changed the subject.

Joe's mother was distinctly disenchanted with men and sex. Joe sensed this when he was small and had scant opportunity as he grew to become comfortable with sex or the male role. His first erotic contact with the little neighbor was an insult superimposed upon countless humiliations. With time he salvaged his self-esteem by becoming a daredevil on a motorcycle. After marriage he remained closer to his cycle than to his wife. While observing the superficial requirements of marriage, he avoided any emotional investment. He derived major gratification astride his leaping, smoking Yamaha. No one would ever call him a baby again.

Karen

Karen was the only child born to a strikingly beautiful woman. Her parents lived in an expensive suburb where Karen attended a private school. Her mother disliked suburbia and had few friends; yet she made no plans to live elsewhere. At times she was resentful and jealous of her often absent husband. The mother devoted hours each day to Karen, who was her confidante. The mother's beautician did Karen's hair each week. The mother relied on Karen's good humor and vivacity to buoy her sagging spirits.

When Karen entered school she chose her girlfriends and organized a "Candyland Club" for the select few. Karen suggested a game called "Reform School" in which she somehow was always the teacher. She preached, gave assignments, and pretended to spank "bad" children. She instructed some to pull down their panties, and others to disrobe completely, so that she could "inspect." She rewarded this "good" behavior with candy treats, which were in constant supply. Karen herself never disrobed.

At age ten Karen was given a lacy nightgown and a catered birthday party by her mother. Her father was away on a business trip. Karen began to date at age thirteen, and on her return, promptly reported all happenings to her mother. They giggled and whispered far into the night. Her mother was certain that she could trust Karen because they were so close.

Karen became pregnant in her junior year of high school. She told her mother immediately, but both concealed the fact from her father until Karen was in her sixth month. Her father was enraged and blamed the mother. The mother indignantly accused him of long-term neglect and indifference. For the first time in years both parents acted together when they brought Karen for psychiatric evaluation. During my session alone with Karen she confided that she had not even liked the father of her child, that sexual relations were mildly disagreeable, and that marriage was a real "turnoff."

Karen received copious erotic stimulation from her mother. This highly charged, intimate relationship restricted Karen and impeded her normal sexual development. The boyfriends and the pregnancy served only to provide the mother with exciting material. No male was really important.

Any of these parents could have lived in your community or on your block. Concerned and responsible, they provided all the common necessities. They were functioning members of the middle class who wished their children to become happy, healthy adults. The occasional marital discord or emotional problems were not unusual or incapacitating.

These parents never threatened or punished their children's early erotic explorations. They skirted the area tactfully to avoid trauma, utilizing avoidance, distraction, and vague generalizations. Even the two parents who intensely stimulated their children did little to direct their sexual growth. Children were left to define their own sexuality, through various scraps of information augmented by fantasy. Parental lack of enthusiasm, embarrassment, and reluctance to impart information suggested that sex was different and perhaps shameful. Erroneous conclusions and gross misinterpretations were the rule. Not one parent welcomed a child's early erotic gropings as the hallmark of healthy development. There were no words of encouragement and no considered guidance.

Several families were deficient in more than one area. Meg's, Warren's, and Joe's families failed to provide an experience in intimacy, and these children suffered severe impairments. Shirley and Karen were stimulated but bound in an exclusive relationship with one parent, which limited both sexual and emotional growth. David, Herb, and Ann were reared with intimacy and encouraged toward independence. They became healthy individuals with sexual problems.

Meg and Joe experienced sexual trauma outside the home which may have intensified their difficulties. Both were acutely vulnerable because of feelings of helplessness and inadequacy before the trauma occurred. They had no basis in erotic competence or knowledge with which to interpret the events correctly. Each had already assumed from their parents' attitudes that genitals were somehow bad or dirty. Neither had had any experience which indicated that genitals could be nice and feel good. Thus there was no protective cushion to soften the emotional impact of horror and revulsion which constituted the trauma. Had these children been better equipped, the "trauma" would have shriveled to a strange or unpleasant "incident."

By not permitting or promoting healthy eroticism, we leave our children bare and blind, without protection, in a world where sex may also be used to hurt.

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