Yates. Chapter 7. Enriching the Child's Sexual Response
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     It is good for man not to touch woman, yet for fear of fornication, let each man have his own wife and let each woman have her own husband....But I say to the unmarried and to widows, it is good for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control, let them marry, for it is better to marry than to burn.
     — Paul, I Corinthians 7

Austere and frightening, the concept of sex as a necessary evil and abstinence as Christ-like remains basic to Christianity and to our culture. Intercourse is publicly endorsed only in the marital bed, where it can be justified by the need to procreate. Our crotchety Christian conscience condemns behavior that deviates from this ideal. Among two hundred fifty cultures surveyed, ours is one of the three most restrictive. (Murdock, 1960) Ritual abandonment, premarital freedom, and postmarital options are not uncommon in the rest of the world. One North American tribe is even said to copulate with porcupines, "by a special technique."

What happens to children when they are allowed sexual freedom? In some Oceanian and African societies, toddlers explore each other's bodies, sometimes begin intercourse by age four, and are soothed by rubbing the genitals. Children never need to be told about sex, as they have ample opportunity to observe adults. Sexual growth is a smooth continuum depending for the most part on size, aggressiveness, and glandular function. Liberal cultures, such as Polynesian Mangaia, lend perspective to our own child-rearing techniques. In Mangaia, virtually one hundred percent of women achieve orgasm. In stark contrast, on the small Irish island of Inis Beag, the female climax is unknown or thought to be abnormal.

Inis Beag

Inis Beag is a small Irish island investigated by John C. Messenger. It is the most erotically barren community ever described by anthropologists. There, three hundred and fifty people relatively isolated from the mainland have maintained a stable agrarian culture for two hundred years. The standard of living is low, the birthrate high, and the family of prime importance. There is neither electricity nor running water, and transportation is via several ass-drawn carts. Agricultural tools are rudimentary and barter remains common. There is little distinction between the life style of the wealthiest and the poorest of the islanders.

Although certain Druidic religious beliefs persist, the people are devout Catholics. The average family has seven offspring. Many mainlanders see the Catholicism of Inis Beag as an ideal not attained elsewhere. The islanders combine an overwhelming preoccupation about sin with an obsessive drive toward salvation in the world to come. Women remain at home except for church-associated activities or an occasional visit to a relative. Men attend parties and dances, play cards, and congregate at the pubs. Late marriage and celibacy are as common in Inis Beag as on the mainland. Sex is never discussed in the home and islanders are monumentally naïve and inexperienced. Boys learn some facts by talking to other boys and watching animals, but girls may not even have done that. Girls understand that they must not look directly at a male or allow themselves to be touched. Premarital sex is unknown, courtship almost nonexistent, and marriages are arranged with little concern for the feelings of the young people involved. The marital bond is primarily of economic and childbearing importance and love between partners is extremely rare. Most people are completely unprepared for the wedding night. Women endure intercourse because to refuse is a mortal sin. The husband initiates sex only in the "missionary" position. Foreplay is crude and clumsy. He quickly climaxes and falls asleep. Men believe that the loss of semen weakens and debilitates. They are unaware of, doubt the existence of, or see as deviant, the female orgasm. Messenger describes one middle-aged bachelor, a man about town who often made love to willing tourists. He is astounded when a girl responds to his fondling with a violent bodily reaction. Although he is aware that some women enjoy kissing and caressing, he can't comprehend a woman's climax.

Nudity is abhorred and there is great secrecy about urination and defecation. Even the dog caught licking its genitals inside the home is whipped and banished from the house. Chickens who defecate while setting on the nest are soon killed and eaten. Underclothes are not removed for sleep or for the sex act. Only infants are completely bathed each Saturday night. Children and adults wash from the neck upward, and the elbow and knee downward. To be caught barefooted is cause for shame, and clothing is always changed in private. Men who brave the ocean in canoes must rationalize their inability to swim. In fact they dare not bare their bodies enough to learn.

Breast-feeding is uncommon because of its sexual connotation. By late infancy, affection is demonstrated by word rather than touch. Masturbation, sex play, and "dirty" words are severely punished. From early childhood boys and girls are rigidly separated in both work and play. Even the fact of pregnancy embarrasses. Pregnancy is never discussed when children are present. Women are considered dangerous during menstruation and for months after childbirth. Children soon perceive that the "good" woman does not like sex.

Malicious gossip is rife in Inis Beag. The fear of rumor is so overwhelming that any hint of sexual desire is carefully avoided. Spying is common, promoting general distrust. A cherished memory once revealed may result in deep humiliation.

Inis Beag is the perfection of Christian morality. All eroticism is systematically constricted from an early age. Not only is premarital sex unknown and adultery rare, but the marital unit is extremely stable. The cost is great.

A commonly held myth is that sexual freedom for children and adolescents will create eventual adultery and thus destroy the integrity of the family. In fact, early license is not necessarily related to marital infidelity. The Andamanese allow their children erotic license, frequently including trial marriages. Yet they practice strict monogamy, both prohibiting and punishing adultery. (Radcliffe-Brown, 1948) The Ute Indians of Colorado and the Tahitians endorse childhood sexuality also, but expect fidelity after marriage. (Opler, 1940) Conversely, a great many cultures which value premarital virginity arrange married life with great license. (Benedict, 1955) In our country, Kinsey reports that "females who had had premarital coitus seemed to have been no more promiscuous in their extra-marital relationships than the females who had had no premarital coitus." While sexual freedom for children will not guarantee, or even foster, fidelity in marriage, neither can we conclude that children's sexual activity will cause infidelity after marriage.

Mangaia

The rich, tropical islands of the South Pacific contain several sexually permissive cultures, such as Samoa, studied by Margaret Mead, and that of Polynesian Mangaia, studied by Donald Marshall. Dr. Marshall provides us with a wealth of detailed material on this southernmost Cook Island. His data are supplemented by my own observations in Mangaia and neighboring Rarotonga.

Mangaia is located 650 miles southwest of Tahiti. Five miles wide, it is inhabited by approximately two thousand Maori. The name Mangaia means "peace." The economy depends upon the cultivation of pineapple and taro. Villages are tiny, electricity absent, and communication dependent upon one radio transmitter and one weekly freighter from Rarotonga. Mangaians, like other Polynesians, are friendly and open.

Mangaia is an island of lush vegetation, scant income, and many children. Infants are special people, rocked and indulged by all family members. Bare genitals are playfully or casually stimulated and lingual manipulation of the tiny penis is common. Girls' genitals are covered at age four or five, but boys may remain bare until puberty. Privacy is unknown, as each hut contains five to sixteen family members of all ages. Adolescent daughters often receive lovers at night and parents "bump together" so that young children may be awakened by the slapping sound of moist genitals. Although adults rarely talk to children about sex, erotic wit and innuendos are common.

At the age of three or four, children band together and explore the mysteries of the dense tropical bush. Adults encourage this as there are no poisonous snakes or other perils on the island. Fruits grow wild and water is plentiful. Sex play flourishes in the undergrowth and coital activity may begin at any time. Although adults ostensibly discourage sexual activity, its existence is widely recognized and accepted.

Children learn about sex first from one another. Even in 1977, there is no sex education in Mangaian schools. Young girls also learn from elderly women who teach by telling stories and by direct practical instruction. The young boy is taught at puberty by older males. The instruction revolves about the rite of superincision (similar to our circumcision). As the operation is painful, and performed without anesthetic, the boy may delay as long as possible. If he waits too long he may be jeered by girls or accused of having a "stinking penis." He may be knocked out by his friends and then operated on. After the superincision the youth is coached in techniques such as the kissing and sucking of breasts. He is told about lubrication and trained in methods of bringing his partner to climax several times prior to his own ejaculation. Two weeks later, when the wound is healed, a "practical exercise" is prescribed. An experienced older woman acts as mistress and tutor, fortuitously removing the scab.

Before age twenty, boys have copulated with ten or more girls, and at age eighteen they average three orgasms a night, seven nights a week. Girls feel an increase in erotic appetite about the time of their first menses, and soon become orgasmic. Contacts are arranged by the fluttering of an eyelid, or the touch of a hand. Sexual pleasure is a chief concern of both boys and girls.

Adolescence is the "golden age" of erotic pleasure without responsibility. Parents recognize and silently condone their children's vitality. As pregnancy is thought to result from making love with the same man too often, there are frequent changes of partner with a tremendous increase in sexual knowledge and awareness. In fact, girls usually do not conceive until early adulthood. Pregnancy itself often inspires the couple to marry, unless either set of parents strenuously objects. With pregnancy, marriage, and other adult responsibilities, the "golden age" of sexual freedom ends.

Divorce is rare in Mangaia, and its rarity is perhaps related to the years of trial and error which precede the wedding. Infidelity after marriage is uncommon, with two exceptions. First, the wife may always return to the man who introduced her to sexual pleasure. This custom is recognized (if not appreciated) by the husband. Second, a prolonged separation is expected to result in unfaithfulness, especially on the part of the husband. This is ascribed to the irresistible pressures of sex drive. Yet when a husband or wife returns after a long journey, neighbors say they will have to "tie a rope around the house to keep it from being shaken down." Homosexuality, group sex, orgies, fetishism, bestiality, and the use of sex devices are unknown.

Poetic terms describe the character and charm of the genitals. In Mangaia, the penis is beautiful. The clitoris is variously pictured as sharp, blunt, projecting, erect, or protruding. The woman with large hips is like a "bed with a mattress." Undulating thighs rapidly arouse the Mangaian male who relishes plenty of pelvic action. He dislikes sex with the relatively inert European woman. When told that some foreign women cannot climax, he asks, "Will it injure their health?"

They believe that coitus doesn't weaken or debilitate, but that it is a sign of intrinsic strength. If the girl becomes thin, it must be due to frequent sex. Her slimness, which doesn't connote any loss of strength, becomes a public testimonial to her mate's virility. It is an insult to tell a man that he is letting his penis go to waste and "get rusty." The girl anticipates two or three orgasms to his one, via his protracted thrusting. She may achieve a "knockout," an orgasm which lasts up to an hour. She expects foreplay to be brief but skillful. If her partner prolongs foreplay, she may push him away and call him "limp penis." If he doesn't promptly initiate intercourse when they first meet, she assumes she is undesirable or that he doesn't like her. Intimacy may evolve from intercourse, but it is never a prerequisite.

Amid this erotic Eden, there exists one sizable sex dysfunction: impotence. This most likely results from the heavy burden placed on the male. He must copulate without respite or his partner will feel slighted. To conquer her, he must provide her with several orgasms to his one. His climax must be perfectly synchronized. If his partner looks at other men, his virility is questioned. Potent males who have had sex with up to seventy girls are cultural heroes. They have "won the race" and may have a phallus tattooed on their thigh or a vagina on their penis. There are no passive pleasures for the male and each contact becomes a contest. To be average in such a society is a catastrophe. A sword for some and a magic wand for others, the penis remains a captivating symbol throughout all cultures. The erect but fragile phallus is man's greatest pride and gravest peril.

Throughout all fifteen Cook Islands, Mangaians are judged the most independent and the hardest workers. In spite of nightly frolics in the bush, men toil throughout the day in the pineapple fields. Teachers don't assign children homework, as they too labor past dusk. Pleasuring in no way sabotages productivity.

In Mangaia, children routinely witness adult nudity and parental intercourse. In our society, these experiences constitute "traumas," which contribute to neuroses. Here, nudity is discouraged as overstimulating and guilt-producing. Parental intercourse is misinterpreted as "Daddy is beating Mommy." Children react with anxiety and anger. In 1976, liberal Ann Landers writes, "Nudity among brothers and sisters should not be allowed after five years of age. Coeducational bathing should be stopped also." Yet in Mangaia, in the farm commune and in the cramped quarters of the less privileged, these observations are routine and don't result in emotional problems. In Mangaia, children have the advantage of repeated, diverse observations. They soon learn that intercourse is not mortal combat but an enjoyable, mutual transaction. Children adopt a matter-of-fact attitude and begin to note details for future reference. A school principal in Mangaia tells of leaving his sow in the care of a five-year-old neighbor boy for a week. When he returned he found that his sow had come in heat. The child had recognized this and, as a matter of course, bred the sow to a boar some blocks away.

Comfort in seeing, touching, and smelling the naked body is one prerequisite for a total erotic response. In Mangaia children never have the opportunity to be uncomfortable. The result is an unqualified acceptance of all bodies as innately good. Children and adults are more receptive and less critical. Women who become obese, and most do, are no less attractive, and continue to obtain partners without difficulty. Delight in this easy acceptance is expressed by one middleaged, rotund Czechoslovakian lady who wears sundresses to town in Rarotonga. She remarks that this would have elicited criticism in any of the many other places she has lived.

In our country most children are reared by continuously clothed adults who always close the bathroom door. Raw flesh, like raw sex, is dangerous — very young children may run about the house nude simply because they are seen as asexual and not too smart at that. As soon as they become more perceptive, prohibitions emerge, flies are zipped, and panties hiked up in public. To wear too little, or the wrong attire, provokes shame and the fear of ridicule. Yet these same individuals are expected as adults to disrobe spontaneously and joyfully relish their naked partner. Alexander Rogawski comments, "Some women inhibited by strict upbringing may have a first opportunity to feel comfortable in the presence of a naked male body when they bathe their own children. This may be followed by greater comfort with their husbands, by more open exchange, and by increased ease with sexual experiences.... Parental nudity in itself is not harmful or seductive to children where it is commonplace and part of the culture." Our contradictory attitudes about nudity are but one example of our unreasonable expectations toward sex. Irrationally, we expect the "nice," fully inhibited child to turn over a new leaf and become a sensual, sexually competent adult. Ruth Benedict writes, "The adult in our culture has often failed to unlearn the wickedness or the dangerousness of sex, a lesson which was impressed upon him strongly in formative years. ... Such discontinuity involves a presumption of strain."

There are only two possible ways to change these inherent contradictions and reduce the strain. One is for grownups to minimize and constrict eroticism, becoming more like the adults in Inis Beag. The other, of course, is to promote the sexual development of children.

The Irish of Inis Beag eliminate the woman's climax and drain the joy from sex. It is a land of corsets and concealment. The master chefs of Mangaia concoct a gourmet feast seasoned with orgasms. Both societies shape the child's erotic response from early infancy. So do we.

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