Chapter 7
<< Petting >>
Going on and Going Out
Learning About Sex with Girls and Boys

Eventually, as you start to grow up, you'll be having sexual encounters of one kind or another. So let’s talk now about all kinds of physical contact short of intercourse. What is this very common activity, anyway? Actually, it’s a way for two people to communicate. Usually it involves at least some degree of affection and emotional feeling and an interest, deep or not, in the other person. It can also be a launching stage into intercourse, although that may not occur. But since almost all intercourse does begin with this kind of mutual fondling, doing it becomes a learning experience in itself. No one who’s doing it thinks of it in such academic terms, of course. It’s simply pleasure for its own sake.

To do this with a girl is like developing a story plot, except that this story can end anywhere along the way without getting to the real end, which is intercourse. It begins when you put your arms around someone else — a hug, the oldest of human gestures. Then if nothing happens to interrupt it, the action goes from hugging to kissing to tongue kissing, to putting a hand on the breasts outside and then inside the clothing, sometimes with the mouth on the breasts at the same time. Finally, the hands of one or both people will be on the sex organs of the other outside the clothing, then inside. A boy may put his mouth on the girl’s vagina, or she may put hers on his penis, or they may do this at the same time. That usually is leading up to intercourse, although it can also occur without going as far as intercourse.

Girls tend to draw the line at some point or other during this progression I’ve described, but most people engage in all, or at least part, of this behavior before marriage or during adolescence whether intercourse occurs or not.

If you haven’t begun to do any of these things yet, you may be wondering, “Why do people do this, anyway?” There are three good reasons. The most obvious is that it’s so much fun. But there’s a big difference here between boys and girls. Boys can be aroused by thinking about sex, or seeing something sexual, before actual contact arouses them still more. Girls, however, particularly when they’re growing up, aren’t usually excited by looking at “dirty pictures” or hearing talk about sex, or even thinking about it — at least not as much or as easily as boys. Both sexes are aroused by physical contact, and they meet on that common ground. So fondling is fun for both boys and girls, and for boys especially because they’re further excited by the knowledge that the girl is aroused.

Some parts of the body are more easily stimulated than others, and naturally those are the ones both sexes want to touch. All these areas have a great many nerve endings that convey sexual excitement in a very complicated way through the brain centers that control them. Kissing, for example, is pleasurable partly because the tongue and the inner part of the lips have many nerve endings.

Red is the color that a thermal camera registers when embraces and kisses make the blood flow faster in the bodies of two people who are in love. Light red tones indicate the hottest spots, and blue the coldest. Some parts of the body, such as the genitals, nipples, earlobes, lips, and throat are more sensitive to touch than others.

There’s more to it than physiology, though. We can see that when we consider the meaning different societies attach to a kiss, that most elementary form of body contact. In some parts of the world people regard kissing as disgusting. They get just as much pleasure out of rubbing their noses together. In America kissing in public was something people didn’t do unless they were related. Now it’s common with everyone, and even in high school corridors students don’t pay much attention, if any, when boys and girls kiss each other. Motion pictures are full of kinds of kissing, much of which would never have been seen fifty years ago, but in India it is uncommon in movies made there and is deplored in American imports by some Indians. Kissing in public is rarely seen there. In fact, most of the peoples of the world don’t enjoy kissing the way we do in the Western nations, where almost everybody thinks of it as a pleasure.

Let’s consider what might happen if a girl is alone with a boy and sex is in the air.First of all, of course, there’s kissing. It comes in a good many varieties. Very young girls kiss with lips closed and rather tight. When they kiss a boy they’re out with, it may not be much different to them from the way they’d kiss anybody else. Eventually, however, if there’s sexual arousal, the lips open and move and tongues are mutually inserted in the other’s mouth.

If a girl does this with a boy, it probably means she’s sexually aroused, because otherwise she would probably find it at least messy if not distasteful.

Tongue kissing, and any other physical contact of a sexual nature, comes under the general heading of “fondling,” the most convenient word for it. Whatever takes place is a way of communicating sexual feelings to another person, but it can’t have much, if any, meaning unless the feelings are mutual. Consequently, if a girl can’t accept the feeling a boy is trying to communicate to her, she is better off to discourage whatever’s happening. She should know, too, that a boy may be so aroused himself that he forgets about her response completely and doesn’t care whether she’s responding or not. That’s the time to cut it off — gently and diplomatically, if possible, but completely in any case.

Mutual fondling ought to involve at least some degree of affection and emotional feeling. Both the girl and the boy should be interested in and appreciate the other person. But a girl needs to understand that this is also a prelude to intercourse and almost always precedes it. We call it “foreplay.” In fondling, the implication of intercourse is always there, and a girl should be aware of this and govern herself accordingly.

Like so many aspects of early sexuality, fondling is a learning experience. It progresses from one step to another, and the progress can be stopped at any point. In its simplest form, it consists of hugging someone warmly — a universal gesture of affection that everyone needs, whether the intent is sexual or not. Hugging is the most common demonstration of affection in our society.

The next step is kissing. If a girl has never kissed a boy, she finds these first kisses a little awkward and probably not very exciting, except for the knowledge that she’s doing it. It takes sexual excitement to make her lips go soft and open up, so that tongue kissing almost inevitably follows.

From there, fondling usually proceeds to the boy’s putting a hand on a girl’s breast outside her clothing, then inside, and sometimes touching the breast with his lips. It’s only a short step from that point to putting his hand on her sex organ, and she may do that to him as well, first outside the clothing, then inside. If intercourse is going to follow, a boy may put his mouth on the girl’s sex organ, or they may do this together at the same time — what we call “69,” for obvious reasons when you study the figures.

Lips are the most obvious zone of sexual pleasure and the one most commonly employed, but there are other parts of the body that are easily stimulated sexually. Rubbing or kissing the nipples of the breast will do it. So will stroking the clitoris and the opening of the vagina. As any boy knows, the penis is very easy to stimulate. But almost any area of the body can produce sexual feelings in a particular individual. There are cases on record in which girls have achieved orgasm by rubbing the lobes of their ears.

Fondling is such a common, happy experience that it hardly needs to bejustified. It’s a pleasurable experience that not only creates exciting body sensations but may lead to orgasm. People everywhere in the world enjoy this wonderful feeling. Another advantage is that if it stops short of intercourse, there’s no danger of pregnancy unless a boy ejaculates at the opening of the vagina and the sperm work their way through the entire length of that organ and up into the uterus. The odds are long that this will happen, but it can occur. Still another advantage of fondling is that the possibility of communicating a venereal disease is remote, although infection is possible if there’s mouth-genital contact.

Another reason people like physical contact with each other, besides the fact that it’s fun, is because it’s useful as a learning experience before they’re ready for actual intercourse — although I’m sure no adolescent looks at it that way. A boy needs to know how to stimulate a girl properly, as well as how to stimulate himself, beginning with kissing and going on to the more involved techniques, as a preparation for intercourse.

Fondling may be better than intercourse itself as a learning experience for later relationships. A boy learns how to stimulate a girl, and the girl discovers what it’s like to be stimulated. Because fondling embraces such a variety of contacts, from kissing to mouth-genital behavior, it can be learned in gradual steps. Every new step can be assimilated and become part of a girl’s emotional knowledge — of herself and of boys.

But is “technique” really necessary? Doesn’t a boy learn just by doing what comes naturally? Most adults think so. The answer, however, is both yes and no. True, he learns by trial and error, according to his own personality. Techniques are best learned by not concentrating first on intercourse. Fondling each other is just the preliminary. But there’s no need to get hung up on that word “technique,” because it isn’t all that complicated or involved. Most boys have a great time while they’re learning.

Some people have argued in the past that fondling is harmful because it might fix a girl at this level and so prevent her from enjoying intercourse later, but unless there are psychological problems that prevent a girl from enjoying intercourse, there’s no truth in this. Such problems aren’t caused by fondling experiences.

Girls (parents, too) ought not to overemphasize fondling. Even in the present climate of freedom, there are still some girls who haven’t experienced fondling before they graduate from high school, although the number is probably diminishing. Many, probably most, don’t start until they’re thirteen or fourteen, but begin in their early teens. Comparatively few enter adult life without ever having done it.

Another reason people like to fondle each other is that it’s a form of communication. There’s a lot of meaning in it. But it won’t be very meaningful unless it’s mutual. To show loving feelings for a girl, physically, when she isn’t able to accept them isn’t the kind of communication that will help anyone build a relationship. Most boys, after they’re aroused, get so interested in their own excitement that they forget about the girl’s response and may not even care whether she’s responding or not. In a situation like that, communication between the two isn’t possible.

Maybe it will help you to understand what happens if I point out some of the other differences between boys and girls. Girls aren’t as easily aroused as boys, and aren’t necessarily aroused by the same things. A boy can get excited just thinking about what he’d like to do with a girl, or maybe by the memory of what he’s done with her before, or even by sitting close to her. For most girls, it’s pleasant enough to have such thoughts and memories, or even to have the boy sitting very close, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s sexually stimulated. In that case, if a boy starts to fondle her, he will be much more aroused than she is, and he needs to slow down, to let her come at her own pace to his state of arousal — if she does.

Girls are much more affected by the right setting, and by what has gone on between the two before physical contact begins. A long evening of talking and feeling close to someone, enjoying a movie or a party together, and then being together in some intimate setting will much more easily prepare the way for contact. The “Okay, baby, let’s go” approach some boys use is a definite turn-off for most girls, especially if it comes early and without warning. Girls also don’t want physical contact shortly after an argument, or in a situation where they might be embarrassed, especially one where they might be discovered. All these things are much more upsetting to most girls than they are to boys. Let me say that I’m talking here about the usual girl and boy. There are a lot of exceptions, and you or your girl friend may be among them.

Many girls know without being told what these differences are, and they act accordingly, which quite often frustrates the boy. They often hesitate to begin because they know they’ll be aroused by physical contact if it goes on long enough. If boys show them erotic pictures, mistakenly thinking it’s going to excite them, they are usually not only unexcited but sometimes repelled, and the boy wastes his attempt and may even offend the girl.

A girl may not particularly like fondling when she first begins and will most likely go slowly. But as she learns to like it, progressing from one step to another, she must remember that the boy will want to go much faster than she does, and she’ll have to make him slow down. Of course, this isn’t always true. It depends a lot on the girl’s background and her emotional nature. If she does want to go slowly, however, she should explain to the boy, gently, how she feels, and if he cares enough about her as a person, he’ll respect her feelings.

It’s hard for a young and inexperienced girl to understand how much more sexually oriented boys are than she is. Since that’s so, she may often say or do provocative things that will be constantly frustrating to a boy, without understanding what she’s doing. It will be doubly frustrating if some fondling doesn’t occur. This situation can happen as a result of an unintended double meaning. For example, a girl may say at the end of an evening, “My parents are in bed. Come on in and we’ll have a good time.”

What she’s thinking of is listening to some music, perhaps, or having something to eat in the kitchen. But a boy hearing such a remark translates it instantly as “The coast is clear and we can have some sex.” When he finds out that what he thinks is an open invitation turns out to be something else, he has probably already tried to fondle the girl and is astonished to find her shocked and resisting. Astonished and no doubt angry, too, he goes home both mad and frustrated.

In another situation, after a long kiss during a fondling session, a girl may say, “I’m hot!” The boy translates this as “I’m aroused and ready to go” and accordingly tries to take the next step. He can’t believe it when he finds out she meant it literally. She’s surprised to think that anyone could misinterpret so innocent a remark. Again, girls need to remember how much more sexually oriented boys are and should exercise a little caution with their vocabularies.

A girl who feels hostile or irritated about something may sometimes deliberately let a boy get aroused and then refuse to continue. It’s her way of punishing him. I’m sure you’ll understand that using sex in this manner, as a weapon, not only is unfair but closes off any chance of establishing the kind of open communication that makes a relationship desirable.

Boys have a short, descriptive word for a girl who enjoys getting a boy aroused and then doesn’t do anything about it, who think get him deliberately worked up and then backs off and leaves him frustrated rather than coming to orgasm. The word is “cockteaser,” accurate but ugly. It describes a kind of behavior that’s clearly unfair, one that tells us something about the personality of the girl who does it. There are several kinds of these girls. With some girls it may be unconscious behavior. Either out of inexperience or ignorance, they don’t understand what they’re doing, or what effect it’s having. They don’t know how easy it is to arouse a boy, and they’re often surprised and indignant when a boy responds aggressively to being treated that way. The only solution to this problem is information. If a girl is told what her behavior is causing, she may understand and then decide more intelligently how much physical contact they want to.

The second kind of girl tease for an entirely different reason. She knows perfectly  well what she’s doing, but she keeps on doing it out of spite, malice, resentment, or some other personal reason. Such a girl becomes an actress playing the lead role in a little drama of hostility because they don’t like males in general; her actions are inspired by deep-seated and complicated feelings. This is how she chooses this childish way to get even with males.

Then there are some who tease because other girls tell them it’s a smart thing to do, and may even show and describe in detail them how to do it. Still another category are those girls who have an urge to dominate males, and they choose this method because it’s a way of controlling boys and showing their aggression at the same time. I’m not at all sure that girls in this category can be made to change. If you encounter such a teaser, my best advice is simply to stop taking her out.

This whole business of physical contact, of fondling, is obviously not an easy matter. There’s no question that it can be exhilarating, loving, and pleasurable. If a girl resists the boy, it may add to his stimulation, but at the same time it may be extremely unfair to her if he insists, and the whole thing may end in a bad scene. Many boys simply don’t understand why girls aren’t as aroused as they are. Often a boy may not even be aware that his partner isn’t, or if he does know, he doesn’t care, and he keeps right on with what he’s trying to do, whether the girl wants it or not.

The times when a girl wants intercourse vary greatly from girl to girl, but on the average, girls are more easily aroused on the day or two before they menstruate and a little less so on the day or two following menstruation. A third likely time is during the menstrual period. This isn’t true for every girl, however. Some don’t vary much in their sexual feelings from one day or week to the next.

While there’s no harm in having intercourse with a girl who’s menstruating, many of them don’t want to have it then because they have cramps, or because they think it’s too messy, or because of social taboos. This is especially true of those who are Orthodox Jews and follow the fundamentalist teaching that intercourse during menstruation is unclean and wrong.

Some girls may like this aggressive kind of boy, but most don’t like it when he tries to force them into physical contact they don’t want. After all, it’s supposed to be a learning experience, and learning to dominate a girl physically is certainly not the way to build a satisfactory relationship of any kind. And it won’t help to make a boy happier in his future relationships with girls.

In general, whether or not girls feel like having sex depends more on the mood they’re in or the occasion. Naturally, many may not want to have sex when there’s just been a quarrel with a boy, unless it’s a part of “making up.” Sometimes, a girl is feeling upset about something, or the time and place just don’t seem right to her, and she is not likely to want to be handled, much less have intercourse a place and time won’t seem right to a girl, and she doesn’t want to have much, or any, sex play with a boy. Occasionally there may be a medical reason for a girl to avoid intercourse, or even fondling — for example, if she has an infection in her vagina or urethra.

Whatever the circumstances, when a boy does get around to fondling a girl for a long time, he’ll find himself very much aroused sexually. His penis will be erect for a long period of time, or it will be alternately erect and soft during a long period of contact. If the erection lasts for a long time, he may have what seems like an ache in the groin, or in his sex organ. Boys call this condition “stone ache” or “lover’s nuts”. A boy thinks the pain is in his testicles, but it’s much more likely to be a cramp in the muscles of the groin, where the legs join the abdomen. This condition is uncomfortable but not dangerous, it’s nothing to worry about. It goes away after orgasm occurs, or if it doesn’t happen, after a few hours.

Although, relief is easy. Many boys masturbate to the point of orgasm and even go through prolonged multiorgasmic session as soon as they can after a session with a girl that doesn’t end in orgasm, and that will relieve the ache. These days, however, there are more and more girls willing to stimulate a boy to the point of orgasm and exercise him in multiorgasm without having intercourse with him — they use this as a substitute. It can be done two ways: either he lies on or against the girl and goes through the motions of intercourse, or else she masturbates him.

Other girls find out quickly that boys want to go as far as they’re permitted. Some girls use this fact as a kind of lever for bargaining, whether they do it consciously or unconsciously. If a boy has been especially attentive and taken her to an especially nice place, a girl may allow him to go further than she would otherwise. But if she feels she’s been shortchanged on an evening out, she may refuse him anything more than a goodnight kiss, if that.

I’m not in favor of this kind of emotional blackmail. It’s too manipulative for its own good. I’m sure you’ve heard a girl say, “What did he expect for a lousy hamburger and a cup of coffee?” That’s exactly the wrong attitude. Fondling with a boy isn’t an exchange of favors, giving something in proportion to what’s given to you. It’s an exchange of mutual feelings, and nothing else ought to be involved.

If the fondling goes on long enough, the girl may become as aroused as the boy and may be just as frustrated if intercourse — for whatever reason — doesn’t happen. If she’s aroused enough, she too may want to get release from sexual tension, and in that case, the boy should help her — remembering, though, that it isn’t always possible to judge the state of a girl’s arousal by his own. She may not have progressed as much as he thinks she has. It takes experience to know how close a girl may be to orgasm. The usual signs are a warm, moist skin, rapid breathing, and a tense body.

Girls who like fondling and do it to orgasm are doing themselves a favor. Generally speaking, if they have orgasm when they’re young, they’ll have an easier time making good sexual adjustments when they’re adults. Of all the ways to have orgasm, fondling to that point is probably the most helpful. If a girl is aroused sexually and doesn’t have an orgasm, however, it can leave her feeling frustrated and unsatisfied. If this experience occurs again and again, it builds up habit patterns difficult to break in later life.

Fondling without orgasm may also leave a girl with pains in her groin, just as it does with boys, and they can be very uncomfortable. About half the girls aroused during fondling have that experience, and about a third of them masturbate afterward to relieve tension — again, just as boys do. To continue fondling until orgasm occurs or to masturbate later are certainly better ways to live than to put up with frustration and uneasiness.

Fondling to the point of orgasm is much more common now than it used to be, and chances are it will continue to increase unless some kind of backlash occurs, which scarcely seems likely. For girls who aren’t ready for intercourse, it solves the problem of learning how to respond sexually to boys, which is important for them to know. Fondling and self-masturbation are probably the most acceptable kinds of sexual behavior among adolescent girls.

Girls respond to sexual stimulation in a variety of ways. Some are aroused quickly and easily. Others are slow because of various fears and inhibitions. There are a few who are never aroused at all, even as adults. Some girls permit physical contact not because they’re aroused or even want to be, but because they think a boy won’t be interested in them anymore if they don’t. Consequently the better a boy is able to judge why a girl is letting him fondle her, the better he’ll be able to decide how far he should try to go. If she responds to his kissing and touching spontaneously and eagerly, it’s a good sign she wants the physical contact as much as he does.

Since drinking became so much more common among adolescents, boys have inherited the old myth held by their fathers, too, that alcohol is the best way to stimulate a girl to sex. That’s because the boy is thinking only of himself. He knows that when he drinks, he becomes more uninhibited and amorous, more alert and sensitive stimulation and he believes (mistakenly) that he is more alert and sensitive to every kind of stimulation, so he thinks (again mistakenly) that all boys and girls can drink themselves right into a sexual situation. It is almost traditional to believe that alcohol, because it is a destroyer of inhibitions, is a producer of sexual potency. As Ogden Nash once wrote, “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”.

That may happen, but only to a limited extent. Quicker to lead people to sex, it is true, but not much help to them when they get there. It’s true that alcohol removes inhibitions — to a point. But the fact is that it’s a depressant, not a stimulant, and it takes only a drink or two to depress the higher nervous centers. Some inhibition is lost, and the illusion of being more stimulated occurs. But if you add only a little more alcohol, the lower nervous centers are also depressed, and a boy (or an adult) will then not be capable of functioning, sexually or otherwise, as well as he did before. This means that the more a boy drinks, the longer it will take him to get an erection and orgasmize, and in sufficient quantity alcohol results in impotence rather than performance. As for the girl, the more she drinks, the less likely she’ll be to want sex.Moreover, it is dangerous in the sense that people who are drunk when they get around to intercourse may forget to take the precautions they would ordinarily have taken.

In all drugs, there are two broad categories. One includes depressants, like alcohol, and the other is stimulants. Marijuana, for example, is a depressant. The popular belief that “pot and sex” are inseparable is as much of a delusion as the belief about alcohol. If a stimulant drug is taken, all the way from amphetamines to crack, the effect is the same, oddly enough. These drugs stimulate the individual every way but sexually and have a depressing effect on sexual behavior. Mainline drugs like heroin knock out the taker sexually, and the user is completely unable to perform under their influence, although there may be elaborate sexual fantasies that lead users to believe they actually had great sex while they were under the influence.

If I had been writing this book only fifteen years ago, drug issues would not have been relevant — and “relevant” itself would not have been a word abused out of all recognition. In little more than a decade, the drug culture, a frightening byproduct of the counterculture, has overtaken us, and in hundreds of thousands of homes today parents are struggling with the drug problem as it affects their children; it is far more important to them than the sex problems of the past ever were. The estimate is that there are six hundred thousand drug addicts in the United States alone, but no one really knows how many people are involved with drugs in one way or another. It is not “relevant” here to discuss the narcotics issue itself, but since adolescents often raise the question of sex in connection with it, parents may find it useful to know what the facts are about drugs and sex.

First, a clear differentiation must be made between the use of marijuana and other drugs. Sex does not figure in the use of hard drugs, mythology to the contrary, because these narcotics knock out the individual’s sex potential virtually completely. The intermediate drugs, like amphetamines and barbiturates, also tend to disassociate people from sex, although in lesser degree than the hard variety. These drugs don’t knock out people in the same way, but their increasing use gradually diminishes sexual potential.

Marijuana, on the other hand, has the effect of distorting time perception so that those who are high on it often have the illusion of having sex much longer than they actually do. It is an article of faith with these users that sex and marijuana are inseparable, and another mythology has grown up around that idea, but in fact continued use of marijuana turns people in upon themselves, making them more involved with themselves than with others. True, it breaks down inhibitions and makes sexual behavior easier, just as alcohol does, but unlike alcohol, it is inner-directed, not outer-directed, and in the end it often both diminishes and dilutes sex.

Boys and girls should both understand that alcohol and drugs are like crutches if a person needs them either to enhance or to get sex. If the user is able to confront himself honestly, the question must be asked once more : “Why do I need a crutch at all?” Sex exists by itself, fully and beautifully, without any artificial help. And, like drugs, alcohol is a crutch where sex is concerned.

Let’s not lose sight of the fact that when they’re growing up, most boys and girls fondle each other for the enjoyment and stimulation they get out of it. It also can’t help being a kind of preparation for adult relationships. Like all the other areas in which one person deals with another, it isn’t an act performed in a vacuum. Two people are always involved. One person’s pleasure is not the only consideration, unless that person is an utterly selfish individual who doesn’t care about anyone else.

Whenever there’s another person to be thought of, responsibility begins. Clearly it’s unfair for a girl to enjoy arousing a boy and then rejecting him, or making fun of him. In such cases, the boy should simply stop seeing her. He may think she’s unfair, but at the same time, he doesn’t have the right to force physical contact on her if she doesn’t want it.

In. any situation where fondling is involved, I think it helps if the boy remembers the differences in sexual nature. He should be considerate of his partner, allow for her slower arousal, and not force her to do something she isn’t ready for or doesn’t want to do. But if the fondling is going to lead to orgasm, he should be certain that it happens to her as well as to him — if she wants it.

Such mutual consideration raises fondling from mere physical exercise, or aggressive behavior on one side or the other, to a communication of feelings and emotions that will be an immediate and continuing source of pleasure for two people and will also be an extremely valuable preparation for a satisfying adult relationship later on.

>>