Martinson. Chapter 7. Enriching the Child's Sexual Response
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For nearly twenty-five years now, the attention of scholars in America (and, incidentally, most of the research money) has been concentrated on a much smaller but not inconsequential problem: child sexual abuse. I cannot help but feel that the problem is exacerbated by our concern over the naiveté of our youth, caught up as they are in a much larger political and religious issue — an issue not of their making. They are being blamed for sexual issues that are not of their making, either. For example, we use the perspective of victimology in judging sexual cases. Victimization predicates victims and perpetrators. The perpetrator is a human being who must be segregated from society or otherwise disciplined. We have begun to use this paradigm in dealing with child sexuality and have written it into the law. Behavior that I found was still treated as child sex play in Scandinavia, at least up until 1984 (Aigner and Centerwall 1984), was treated as perpetrator-victim behavior in the United States.

The following are examples of the effect of the use of the victim and perpetrator paradigm in dealing with children.
The state of Minnesota reported 1,110 cases of sexual harassment and ninety-five cases of sexual violence in its schools in 1991-92, and they were only the cases that were reported (Hotakainen 1993). It is alleged that many more were not reported.

More than 1,000 children in the city of Minneapolis alone were suspended or expelled on charges of sexual harassment (Shalit 1993). Cases such as the following were classified as sexual harassment: telling dirty jokes, spreading rumors about sexual behavior of individual girls, exposing oneself, snapping bras, wearing offensive T-shirts, and yelling sexual innuendoes during sporting events. Cases classified as sexual violence, the more serious cases, included rape, forced fondling and touching, forced oral sex, "depantsing" (removing another's pants as a joke or as punishment), and "sharking" (biting body parts, such as breasts).

Punishment for such offenses, besides expulsion, included transfer to another school, writing essays, apologizing, undergoing counseling, and serving time in detention. The attorney general of the state of Minnesota warned Minnesota children that such behavior can result in costly litigation. Minnesota is viewed as a national leader in fighting sexual harassment.

Sue Sattel, a specialist for the Minnesota Department of Education reported what she regarded as an open-and-shut case of sexual harassment involving a five-year-old boy as predator and a five-year-old girl as victim. She reported, "The boy led the girl into the art resource room. He pulled pants down. He pulled his own pants down. He jumped on top of her. And he began simulated sexual intercourse." Sattel said, "Something very, very serious is going to happen to that little boy" (Shalit 1993:13).
And she is right, for this is a sexual offense in most states. Minnesota's anti-sexual harassment law covers all children down to and including the kindergarten. A publication provided by the Minnesota Department of Education, Examples of hostile Environmental Sexual Harassment, provides a glimpse into what supervisors are looking for on the playground. Here is a partial listing:
• Sexual gestures (e.g., boys grabbing their groin when a girl passes by)
• Students "rating" other students
• Students teasing other students about body development, either over-development or under-development
• Males bragging about or indicating the size of their penis
Proponents of Minnesota law say tough penalties for offenses like these the wave of the future.

Children appear to get a sexual life naturally and unobtrusively by being alert to the many influences around them. But are these the influences that children are being alerted to? They come at an age when children are concerned about their own identity and how to relate to members of the other sex. And in their fumbling attempts to relate, they often perform badly. It is a moot question whether such behavior should be handled punitively, with more expulsion and more detention and at younger ages, or whether we should try another perspective such as teaching the art of loving and the respect for others.

As one expert on sexually victimized children wrote, "we know more about sexual deviance than we do about sexual normality ... [W]e hardly know how they come to have sexual experience at all." We have "a vast ignorant of the forces governing the development and experience of sexual behavior in general" (Finkelhor 1979:20).

How do children get a sexual life? This is a question that has not be asked seriously. As I said, they appear to get it naturally and unobtrusively by being alert to the many influences around them. But that method is not sufficient in a society where pains are taken to keep as much sexuality hidden from children as is possible. In such a society, if we want children to know about sexuality, we need to supplement natural assimilation with instruction.

Physiological, psychological, and social factors all contribute to the forming of one's sexuality. Every day of life, a child learns something about what it means to be sexual, how he or she is defined by others, how one should act, what is expected of one. In every society, children from birth are placed within a division of society according to their physiological sexual features. Hence, it is biologically determined sex, not socially defined sex, that determines one's basic sexual status; for all gender systems take their justification from physiological distinctions between female and male, and from birth on a person learns the social rules that influence and determine sexual behavior for that gender within the society. Every person a child meets throughout the day, every agency, the media, as well as institutions that have a direct stake in doing so — family, school, state, church — contribute to shaping the child's sexuality. What children have traditionally learned in U.S. society is that they are not to engage in any activity that is sexual in nature. In a classic study conducted thirty-five years ago, Sears, Maccoby, and Levine (1957) showed how mothers, the primary teachers of infants and children, follow out a path of avoidance of anything that might be thought to permit, encourage, or interpret any child activity as sexual in nature.

In the past, parents, school, and church have done little to provide adequate, age-appropriate sex instruction for children. The following case indicates a child's reaction to the teachings of the church.
For a 4- or 5-year period, beginning when I was 10 years old, I became extremely aware of sex taboos via the church. I'd hear stories about God's love including God's loving decree that anyone who had had and engaged in sex was a sinner.
An overriding rationale for limiting children's access to knowledge about sexuality and the sexual practices of adults was to protect them. American society was not unlike most of the restrictive societies that maintain a public conspiracy against the acquisition of sexual knowledge by children (Ford and Beach 1951). The cult of innocence through keeping children ignorant developed and strengthened in Western society toward the end of the last century to the point that the difficulty of talking about sexuality to children appeared to be almost natural (Elias 1978/1939). The restriction may have developed in part as a defense against advances in awareness of the sexual life of children represented in theories of Sigmund Freud and others.

The cult of innocence was easiest to maintain in middle-class communities where the sexual proclivities of children were regarded as premature if not aberrant. In economically poor and overcrowded inner-city communities, childhood sexual innocence was almost impossible to maintain. As Rainwater wrote in Behind Ghetto Walls (1970), adults in a slum area had come to regard the sexual interests and activities of children as natural, if lamentable. Older children learned fully developed conceptions of sexual behavior and of its desirability through talk and observation.

Many things motivate children, even at a very early age, to gather more information than their parents think they should have about many things concerning sexuality. Examining their own body parts; noticing the differences in body parts of girls and boys; experiencing feelings in the pelvic area that they do not understand; the presence of a new puppy in the home; seeing the birth of a litter of kittens; noticing the changes in a pregnant relative or neighbor; overhearing a chance bit of conversation about some aspect of sexual life; as well as any discrepant event provokes prolonged attention leading to understanding or anxiety, can be the motivator. Children up to around eight years of age demonstrate an ease with sexual topics. They appear to respect others of their age, both boys and girls; are able to talk about sex with interest and mutual consideration; and comfortably discuss words like uterus, breasts, and penis (Brick 1985) though they do not use those Latin-derived terms unless these have been taught by adults.

Repressing sexual knowledge and experience has effects other than keeping children naive and innocent. Denying information leaves the control of children's sexuality in the hands of adults. Without names for the sexual organs and terms for sexual activity, children's fantasy tends to overrun their sexual life; they are also likely to identify the sexual organs with excretory functions.

The following two cases relate to the practice of restricting information given to children or giving words without factual information. In the first case, a ten-year-old girl related that she had been reprimanded by a parochial day school teacher for using the word sex and that she had been "morbidly afraid of falling in love" because her parents had told her that a person got pregnant only when married and in love. She concluded that at the end of her home and church "sex education" she, at age thirteen, "was a cold unemotional adolescent who valued virginity above all else. However, my inability to relate to boys was a constant source of frustration." In the second case,
I would not talk to mother about private and important matters. She had not volunteered information and I dared not ask for it. My knowledge of sex was very shallow and warped. When I began menstruating, I cried hysterically, not so much at the sight of the blood, but at the prospect of having to tell my mother.
According to the therapist Helen Kaplan (1974), restrictive upbringing is an extremely important and highly prevalent source of conflict that leads to sexual alienation and dysfunction. Children who are not instructed must rely on each other's experiences and bits of information they find.

Naming something is an essential process in relating to the object named; the name expresses the person's attitude and it determines that attitude. Once named, the object can be singled out, classified, and made available. The unnamed object is always the unknown whose relation to the person cannot be clarified (Wrage 1969). Or, as one student puts it,
The sexual education I received was very slow coming, and very impractical. I could have been spared many a thought and such if properly educated at an early age. Curiosity is one of man's biggest strengths and weaknesses. If it is satisfied quickly, one can move on. If it is not, you spend many a wasted hour in contemplation of simplicity.
From day one in the life of their child, parents are giving messages about sexuality whether or not they are conscious of it and whether or not they mean to. If they do not provide information, they still create attitudes and orientations through which information received from other sources will be filtered. Many parents attempt to hide any aspects of adult sexuality.
My parents even seemed a little embarrassed when they kissed in front of us and showed little outward expressions of love. I cannot even remember seeing them hug. This bothered me when I was growing up.
Children often test their parents regarding sexual knowledge and sometimes find their parents wanting.
I can remember asking my mother what p.g. meant and she replied "pretty girl." I was testing her. Another question that was never answered correctly was "Mommy, do you get pregnant by taking a pill?" to which her reply was "Yes."
I believe that you just can't take your parents for truth in these matters. Perchance this is what starts a basic gulf or mistrust between many parents and children: that one of the first important issues in your life you take up with parents, they tell you things which do not apply; as a matter of fact, the near opposite of what applies. How apt is a person to seek repeated counsel from those he has seen to be wrong in the past.

Sexuality educators assert that for the child to develop a healthy sexuality as he or she matures, the encouragement and/or explicit training of sexually appropriate behaviors is required. Children need to be made aware of their own sexuality; this requires that their mentors accept sexuality from a developmental perspective and encourage developmentally appropriate behavior. Children remember being warned or scolded about sex.
The first real scolding I received for touching or playing with my penis was when I was four or five years old. I was in the bathroom and my father walked in. I had worked up a soapy lather all over my crotch. He scolded me and told me not to do that again. Misunderstanding the chastisement to be not merely for playing with my genitals but for washing them too, I was afraid to wash myself for a long time.

When I was around three or four I must have seen someone masturbating. I tried it too and felt very proud of what I had learned and the strange sensation it aroused. I excitedly showed my mother; she was shocked. She told me not to do it anymore and spanked me. Then she never mentioned it again. I was stubborn enough to continue because I enjoyed the feeling.

My friend, another girl, and I decided to ask my mother about the funny sensation we had both experienced while lying in bed at night. She gave a vague explanation, but it was nothing more than a warning not to do it again. This planted in my mind that talk about the body was bad and only had dirty connotations. I slowly became quite self-conscious about my body.

After I had bathed, my mother was examining me to see if I was clean or not. As she cleaned my navel, I had an erection. She said "Oh Gary!" and gave it a little slap. It just frightened the sexual dickens out of me.

Two experiences are fresh in my memory. When I asked my mother where the kittens came from and why they couldn't go back there again, she scolded me and said nice little girls don't ask things like that. Later I heard older kids use the word "fuck" in a dirty story. I asked my mom what the word meant. She didn't explain but rather warned me that the next time I used the word I could expect to get my mouth washed out with soap! How I made it through those years I will never know.
In homes where children cannot get satisfactory answers from the parents, an older sibling sometimes comes to the rescue.
Once our family was out for a ride and my brother, who was about 8 years old, asked, "If babies are in mother's stomachs, how do they come out?" Neither of our parents gave him a direct answer, which made me angry. I tried to explain to him the best I could. Another time he used a nasty word for sexual intercourse in talking with me. He knew what it meant, but I told him that he shouldn't use the term in public. I gave him the correct terminology for it.

In my home, I was the one who told my sisters about everything. Mother had always been overly modest. Some very informative books, which I went to on my own for answers, had straightened me out.
The greater acceptance of children as sexual beings in the last two decades and the increase in books and articles for parents of young children would be expected to improve the at-home sexual education of children (Martinson 1992). Since mothers spend the most time with young children, most reactions to at-home instruction is to something involving mother. The following cases give the flavor of some of the positive reactions of children to what they experienced about sexuality in their homes.
I think that I knew more about sex than most of the children my age. My mother informed me at an early age. She always told me things about sex in advance so I never learned anything from the other kids that I hadn't already heard. I have always respected my mother a great deal for this freedom and honesty.

I would say that 95 percent of my sex education has come from my mother. She has told me in such a beautiful way that sex hasn't become dirty and bad in my eyes. I realize how fortunate I am when I hear of girls whose mothers never told them a thing.
The next case comes close to being an ideal daughter-mother relationship as far as communication is concerned.
My mother and I have always had very good communication. We have been extremely close, and we have talked over everything about sex. I think we have helped each other tremendously in understanding each other's generation and their values.
Sex instruction on those less frequent occasions when it is given by fathers is also appreciated if it is done well.
On the way home from shopping my mother said to dad that she had forgotten to buy sanitary napkins. Naturally I asked what they were. Mom and dad looked at each other and said, "Well I think it's about time we tell her." When we got home dad showed me a book of diagrams of the female and male reproductive system. He explained what happened during menstruation and all the rest having to do with reproduction. At first I was shocked to think my parents would do such awful things. The more I asked, the more I realized that it must be a pretty natural process. I think that this matter of fact, down to earth way of explaining has always made it easier to confide in my parents. I have never had to look for information outside of the home.

My formal sex education from my father came when I was in the 5th grade. We had very little difficulty with terms and his explanations using correct terms were very easy to understand. I became aware that the male produces sperm, which are carried by semen, and that I could expect to have nocturnal emissions as I grew older. Even though he didn't go into the mechanics of masturbation, he left me with a feeling that the pressure build-up was normal and that it was nothing shameful if it was relieved. Even though much of the information was given in an unemotional technical language, I was aware that the joys of the act were a part of love and marriage. My father also explained the menstrual pattern of girls and told me that sometimes their emotional make-up is changed during their period. He stressed the feeling of love and respect for others as well as the physical and technical aspects of a sexual relationship.
Parents often receive mixed messages from child guidance authorities regarding how to deal with nudity in the family (Martinson 1992). In the following two eases, children show their appreciation of nudity as part of their at-home sexuality education.
My parents didn't feel it was necessary to shield our eyes from their bodies nor from the bodies of anyone in our family. Thus, the physical differences between the sexes were made very apparent to me at a very early age.

I was brought up with the notion that sex and bodies are something beautiful and enjoyable. I would say that my sex education began when I was a baby, if you regard naked bodies as such. Up until I was four years old, we would bathe together at least once a week: my father, mother, and my sister would have water fights in the bathtub as long as there was any water. These sessions got rarer as I and my sister grew; the bathtub simply became too crowded. It wasn't until I started school that I discovered that the genitals were something you should giggle and blush over.
Children appreciate love, respect, and values they learn as part of sexuality education at home.
My family is a person centered family. My mother would always say to me, "You are not the only one in the family. There are four others." My parents taught me very early the attitude of acceptance, respect, and desire for other people.

Even though there is not a "blubbery" show of affection between my parents, it has always been very obvious that they were very much in love. I was especially aware that this relationship was indeed a happy and desirable one.

I was brought up in a family which did not set limits and make decisions for me. My parents always explained their values and standards but have not imposed them on me. I have set my own standards and adhere more strictly to them than I would were they imposed. I respect my parents a great deal for allowing me the right of individual choice and decision. Because of this, I have freedom of communication with them. Never have I felt the "generation gap".
Historically, children in America got the bulk of their sexual information, such as it was, through associating with their peers. The following are reactions to sex "instruction" from peers.
One day one of my girl friends told me what one of the words meant, that is, how babies were made. She made the situation seem very horrible, and I felt very sick about it. She teased me because we were four children in my family and she was the only child in hers, which meant my parents were much worse than hers.

About the age of eight, I was walking with a friend who all of a sudden blurted out, "You know, when your penis gets hard, that means you want a mate." I was rather taken aback by this statement because I saw no connection between a hard penis and getting married.

It was in the locker room that I first began to pick up things about sex. I would hear older boys (9th graders) talking about a specific girl and someone would ask "Does she give?" I would ask myself "Give what?" When I finally figured it out, with the help of a few friends, I still thought that you urinated in her vagina.

During sixth grade a group consisting of me, another girl, and three boys met in the hall during breaks to discuss sex and related topics. One boy in particular always had a sexual "fact" or two to impart to us, such as how far a penis had to go into a girl to get her pregnant. We didn't giggle or squirm during these discussions. We were inquisitive but not embarrassed.
Many parents assert that they are ill equipped to give sex information to their children because they are confused as to what they ought to teach diem, at what age they ought to teach them, and how they ought to teach. Help for parents is becoming more available. In the last decade, a number of books of guidance for parents have become available, books written by sexuality educators and therapists. Most parents want their children to have sexuality education in school. In the United States, twenty-two states require it and twenty-four states encourage it, yet only an estimated 10 percent of children receive comprehensive school-based sexuality education (Scales 1986). Fewer than one in six of the state curricula provide young people with a comprehensive base of information and education on sexuality before they leave the twelfth grade. Most sexuality education programs in the schools do not begin until the junior or senior high school years, and few of them address sexual issues comprehensively.

Parents in a high socioeconomic suburb of an eastern U.S. city were asked to rank their preferences regarding the inclusion of a number of topics in a sexuality education program for sixth graders (Silverstein and Buck 1986). A number of sensitive topics were included. The approval rates they received are as follows: child molestation, 81 percent; sexual attraction, 80 percent; intercourse, 79 percent; venereal disease, 74 percent; rape, 73 percent; birth control, 71 percent; exhibitionism, 71 percent; masturbation, 66 percent; abortion, 63 percent; homosexuality, 63 percent; and pornography, 56 percent. Thirty-two percent approved of including the advantages of premarital sex, but a larger percentage (69%) supported the inclusion of the disadvantages of premarital sex. Comments of parents focused on the need to include responsibility for behavior and moral issues regarding sexual intimacy. Several noted that it was not the nature of the topic that they disagreed with but the age at which it is appropriate to discuss sexuality.

Croft and Asmussen (1992) attempted to identify the ideal time for the introduction of various sexual topics, using a community survey in a predominantly middle-class, Midwestern metropolitan area. Of thirty-four topics mentioned, mothers believed that all of them needed to be initiated prior to high school graduation, and mothers, along with the family life educators, agreed that twenty-one of the thirty-four topics ideally should be introduced in the elementary school grades rather than in higher grades. These included reducing fear and guilt regarding sexuality; how sexuality development affects personal growth and development; information on male and female genitalia; biology of human growth, reproduction, and birth; development of interpersonal skills with the opposite sex; encouraging students to talk with parents regarding sexuality; correct physiologic myths; biological changes at puberty and lifespan development; pubertal experiences similar for peers; and AIDS education. Mothers and educators also thought the following subjects, which were never introduced in the school, should be introduced in middle school: information about abnormal sexual development; abortion information and abortion's effects on the body; integrating family values into discussions; and contraceptive information. Both also agreed that the topics of venereal disease, sexually transmitted disease, and abstinence, which were already introduced at the middle school level should continue to be offered there.

The aforementioned studies show clearly that there is parental support for comprehensive sexuality education beginning as early as the elementary grades."

A task force of leading health, education, and sexuality professionals developed Guidelines for Sexuality Education: Kindergarten-12th Grade (1991). The task force spelled out what it regarded as appropriate developmental messages that should first be discussed at each of four stages of development-ages five through eight, nine through twelve, twelve through fifteen, and fifteen through eighteen.

Some of the topics that the task force recommended be discussed with children in early elementary school, ages five through eight, and upper elementary school, ages nine through twelve, include the following:
     Body Parts and Functions
     • Each body part has a correct name and a specific function. (5-8)
     • Boys and men have a penis, scrotum, and testicles. (5-8)
     • Girls and women have a vulva, clitoris, vagina, uterus, and ovaries. (5-8)
     • Like other body parts, the genitals need care. (5-8)
     • Individual bodies are different-sizes, shapes, and colors. (5-8)
     • Male and female bodies are equally special. (5-8)
     • There are no jobs that are only for boys or only for girls. (5-8)

     • At puberty, boys begin to ejaculate and girls begin to menstruate. (9-12)
     • Early adolescents often feel uncomfortable, clumsy, and/or self-conscious because of the rapid changes in their bodies. (9-12)
     • During puberty, many people begin to develop sexual and romantic feelings. (9-12)
     • Human beings have a natural physical response to sexual stimulation. (9-12)
     • Children are not ready for sexual intercourse. (9-12)
     • All people are sexual beings. Exploring feelings about sexuality is common. (9-12)
     • Masturbation is often the first way a person experiences sexual pleasure. (9-12)
     • Masturbation does not cause physical or mental harm. (9-12)

     Touch
     • Both girls and boys have body parts that feel good when touched. (5-8)
     • Boys and girls may discover that their bodies feel good when touched. (5-8)
     • Some boys and girls masturbate. Others do not. (5-8)
     • Masturbation should be done in a private place. (5-8)
     • Everyone, including children, has the right to tell others not to touch their body
     • when they don't want to be touched. (5-8)
     • No adult should touch a child's sexual parts except for health reasons. (5-8)
     • Sexual abuse occurs when an older, stronger, or more powerful person looks at or touches a child's genitals for no legitimate reason. (5-8)
     • If unwanted or uncomfortable touching happens, the child should tell a trusted adult. (5-8)
     • If a stranger tries to get a child to go with him/her, the child should leave quickly and tell a parent or other adult. (5-8)
     • A child is never at fault if an adult touches him/her in a way that is wrong or uncomfortable. (5-8)
     • Most adults and adolescents would never abuse children. (5-8)
     • Both boys and girls can be sexually abused. (5-8)

     • Sexual abuse is most often committed by someone known to the child. (9-12)

     Appearance, Friendship, Dating, Commitment
     • People can have many friends. (5-8)
     • There are different kinds of friends. (5-8)
     • Friends are either male or female. (5-8)
     • When two teenagers or unmarried adults spend their leisure time with one another, it is often called dating. (5-8)
     • Teenagers and adults often have several romantic relationships. (5-8)
     • Before people commit, they should be friends, spend time together, and get to know one another well. (5-8)
     • During puberty many people begin to develop sexual and romantic feelings. (5-8)
     • Love means having deep and warm feelings about one's self and others. (5-8)

     • It is not known why a person has a particular sexual orientation. (9-12)
     • A bisexual person is attracted to men and women. (9-12)
     • Homosexual, heterosexual, and bisexual people are alike except for their sexual attraction. (9-12)
     • Homosexual love relationships can be as fulfilling as heterosexual relationships. (9-12)
     • Gay men and lesbians can form families by adopting children or having their own. (9-12)
     • The value of a person is not determined by their appearance. (9-12)
     • Many skills are needed to begin, continue, and end friendships. (9-12)
     • Friendships are necessary for most people to feel good about themselves. (9-12)
     • Liking yourself enhances loving relationships. (9-12)
     • Teenagers and adults often have several romantic relationships. (9-12)

     Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs), Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV), Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome (AIDS)
     • People who have not engaged in certain behaviors do not have STD/HIV. (5-8)
     • A small number of children are born with HIV from an infected mother. (5-8)
     • A person cannot become infected with HIV by being around or touching someone who has AIDS. (5-8)

     • To have AIDS means that HIV has done enough damage to the body that serious diseases have been acquired. (9-12)

     Parenting
     • Sexual intercourse occurs when a man and a woman place the penis inside the vagina. (5-8)
     • Intercourse is a pleasurable activity for most adults. (5-8)
     • People are able to have babies only after they have reached puberty. (5-8)
     • Reproduction requires both a man and a woman. (5-8)
     • People can have children whether they are married or unmarried. (5-8)
     • Not all men and women decide to have children. (5-8)
     • All children should be wanted. (5-8)
     • When a woman is pregnant, the fetus grows inside her body in her uterus. (5-8)
     • Smoking, drinking alcohol, and using other drugs can hurt a fetus before it is born (5-8)
     • Babies usually come out of a woman's body through an opening called the vagina. (5-8)
     • Some babies are born by an operation called a Cesarean Section. (5-8)
     • Parenting is an adult job. (5-8)
     • Parenting can be a wonderful experience. (5-8)
     • Parenting is a lot of work. (5-8)
     • Divorce is usually difficult for parents and for children. (5-8)
     • After a divorce, parents and children continue their lives in a new way and usually become happy again. (5-8)

     • There are ways to have genital intercourse without causing pregnancy. (9-12)
     • Sexual intercourse provides pleasure. (9-12)
     • When a man and woman want to have sexual intercourse without having a child, they can use contraceptives to prevent pregnancy. (9-12)
     • A legal abortion is very safe. (9-12)
     • A pregnant woman who does not want a child or an abortion can place her baby for adoption when it is born. (9-12)
     • People who decide to have children need to provide for them. (9-12)
     • Men and women have important parental responsibilities. (9-12)
     • Drugs may affect one's future ability to have healthy children. (9-12)

     Values
     • Different religions may teach similar or different values. (5-8)

     • Some religions teach that contraception is desirable; others do not approve of contraception. (9-12)
     • Decisions about having children are based on religious beliefs, cultural traditions, income, and personal wishes. (9-12)
     • Abortion is legal in the United States. (9-12)
     • Some people believe abortion is morally wrong; others believe a woman has a right to choose abortion. (9-12)
Sexuality education outside the home for young children is at present only in the early stages of development and implementation. A model for helping early childhood educators develop policies and programs for children's sexual learning has been field-tested in a number of childhood programs by The Center for Family Life Education (Planned Parenthood of Greater Northern New Jersey).

To develop and initiate a kindergarten through high school sexuality education program, it is important that both parents and teachers be informed about and have an opportunity to discuss sexuality as a developing human capacity that begins at birth and continues. This must be done as a beginning phase of a developmental stage in a community or school program of sexuality education, during which the appropriate goals are identified for each grade level (Croft and Asmussen 1992). Parents, teachers, and others in the community would all need a voice in deciding at what age topics in Guidelines for Sexuality Education: Kindergarten-12th Grade should be introduced in the curriculum and how they should be taught.

In the United States, all states at present either require or recommend HIV and AIDS education, and all states stress sexual abstinence; but only eleven states provide balanced information on safer sex and abstinence. Abstinence has been the primary emphasis for as long as sex education has been offered in the schools. There is concern today that emphasizing mainly abstinence and the negative outcomes of sexual activity-pregnancy, HIV /AIDS, and STDs-gives children an unbalanced perspective on human sexuality; we must also fear the fear of sex. More parents and educators are speaking out in favor of a balanced perspective within the context of an accepting and positive view of human sexuality. To date only three states present HIV/AIDS information within a context that emphasizes both the positive and negative consequences of sexual activity (Britten, de Mauro, and Gambrell 1992), and only five states acknowledge sexuality as a natural part of life and include information on the range of sexual activities and behaviors. Seven of the eleven states providing balanced information on safer sex and abstinence discuss low-risk, non-coital sexual activity.

Sexual intercourse is now normative behavior for American high school students since 54 percent of ninth through twelfth graders and 72 percent of high school seniors have had sexual intercourse (Haffner 1992). We are slowly learning what Sweden, with a much longer history of sex education in the schools, learned some years ago — namely, that telling youth that they should postpone their sexual debut was not enough. Something had to be done to educate about sexual responsibility for those who were or soon could be expected to be sexually active. Since the majority of students in the United States experience sexual intercourse prior to graduating from high school despite the traditional stress on abstinence in sexuality education programs, it is important to include condom information as a preventative measure. This information is given in thirty-seven states. But only five states provide practical information on condom use, such as how to obtain, use, and dispose of condoms (Britten, de Mauro, and Gambrell 1992). Condom instruction appears to be having some effect in the United States, since there has been a positive change in condom utilization among young people (Haffner 1992).

Carefully planned and developed curricula require teachers who are convinced of the importance of sexuality education and who feel competent regarding their own preparation. They also need to feel confident that they have the support of school officials and the community. Before attempting sexuality education, all teachers need opportunities to examine their own learning, experience, and values regarding sexuality, and they need practice using "teachable moments." In the following two cases, the teachers were not prepared to deal sympathetically and sensitively with drawings made by young children.
As a teacher's aid I worked with a woman who was competent and firm with her second graders. Each day we did art projects to help them develop their imagination. One day they were to draw and color the thing that most impressed them about where they lived. At the end of class the teacher called upon several kids to show their pictures in front of the class. I will never forget the one boy and his picture. He lived on a farm and drew a picture of a cow giving birth. The teacher asked him to explain the blob in the comer and he said it was the afterbirth. A few of the "more worldly" pupils giggled and the others followed along, but didn't understand. The teacher got so embarrassed that she was very harsh with the boy and made him put his head on his desk.

As a young teacher teaching first grade, I had my pupils working on "season" windows. I asked one boy who was working on the "Spring" window what he had drawn that was spring to him. He told and showed a picture of a "little boy and his penis peeing into the wind outside." My first reaction was a smile and a laugh and a thought that it was pretty natural and original. Then a click went off in my head that I was supposed to be a teacher — should a teacher approve of that? or should a teacher react? None of the children were reacting silly toward it, but I unfortunately decided to interpret his drawing as "dirty" or "naughty." So I said something like, "Tom, do you think you should be drawing things like that?" Immediately after, I realized how silly I sounded. Tom possessed the healthy attitude, whereas I was affected by the "traditional" viewpoint. 
Sexual educators have been under attack in communities across the United States for providing sex education to children. In 1990, two states rescinded their mandates for sexual education in response to opposition groups. A large part of the current controversy centers around the changing focus of school sexuality education that has taken place within the last decade (Scales 1986).

Prior to that time, sexuality education had focused largely on helping people avoid the negative consequences of sexual decisions that could lead to contracting sexual diseases, unplanned, unwanted pregnancies, school dropouts, early marriage, and a life of poverty. Currently sexuality education deals with these issues but also views sexuality in a positive light.

It is argued that a major purpose of public schooling must be to teach children how to reason, to question, and to accept responsibility — how to think, more than what to think; that public education has an obligation to present a wide variety of ideas that reflect the perspectives of the entire community and address the needs of all pupils (Sedway 1992).

On the other hand, there are groups, often referred to as far right or religious right groups, who promote a narrower curriculum that eliminates the discussion of controversial topics (such as birth control, HIV/AIDS, abortion) and focuses exclusively on a program of sexual education that fosters sexual abstinence as the only behavior that can or should be supported both for practical and moral reasons.

Though this approach may have the singular support of certain conservative groups, sex-for-procreation that devalues other forms of sexual behavior (such as engaging in alternatives to sexual intercourse for pleasure) also have support in U.S. society.

Barriers to comprehensive sexuality education for children and youth grow out of the conflict between those who believe that the next generation should be fully and completely educated on human sexuality and those who do not. A history of repression of open, rational discussion of sexuality has left U.S. society more uncomfortable with the subject of human sexuality than are some other societies. As a result, we are inclined to define human sexuality only in terms of sexual intercourse and school sex education as intervention to prevent the negative consequences of sexual intercourse from occurring too early in life.

In other words, we have not distinguished between developing sexuality and reproductive sexuality in our school-based sexuality education. Age-appropriate sexuality education deals with developing sexuality; it has less to do with reproduction. School administrators are reluctant to sponsor sexuality education programs partly out of a desire to avoid religious and political conflict, though studies show that only 1 to 3 percent of parents have refused to have their children participate in such education (Scales 1980).

Professionals are also confused about the rapid change in sexual values and lifestyles and how they should proceed in the face of the changes. Due to our failure to perceive the need for sexuality programs and services, we do not have a pool of teachers prepared and comfortable to teach the material. In those states where teachers are mandated by law to teach sexuality education, the teachers usually lack the necessary training and often teach it without confidence or enthusiasm (Krueger 1991).

Focusing on sexuality education, rather than sex education, may appear to the reader to be only a semantic change. But sexuality education broadens the scope, emphasizing that sex focuses attention on behaviors and activities that comprehensive education hopes to postpone. All children in school are developing sexually. They need to have their attention focused on that development. On the other hand, introducing contraceptive instruction comes none too soon since an estimated 30 percent of sexually active adolescents become pregnant during their teen years. Approximately 600,000 of the pregnancies in the United States annually are unintended pregnancies of single female teenagers.

Sexually transmitted diseases — gonorrhea, chlamydia, herpes, and cervical cancer — are occurring at high levels in the United States, and adolescents are both the recipients and transmitters of these infections (Fisher 1990). American adolescents, even preadolescents, have been allowed substantial freedom of action but without enough information and guidance in dealing with the powerful sexual feelings that commonly arise around, or even before, puberty.

Teenage pregnancies are far more common in countries that restrict or delay sexuality education (such as the United States, New Zealand, and Thailand) than in countries with previously high rates — Sweden and Denmark, for example — that have introduced early and comprehensive sexuality education in schools and have seen ten years of dramatic decreases in the rates of teen pregnancies. Goldman and Goldman's (1982) interview study with children in the English-speaking countries of Australia, Great Britain, and North America, as well as Sweden, found that Swedish children were consistently better informed for their ages, were less inhibited about discussing sexuality, and were better prepared for their adolescent and adult years than were their peers in the English-speaking countries. The responses of the Swedish children provided strong evidence that children have the intellectual capacity to deal responsibly with sexual information if they have been informed rather than uninformed or misinformed. Because the sexuality of children and youth is a developing sexuality, their sexuality education must also be ongoing. One or two "facts of life" talks will not suffice.

All states provide parents with the option to excuse their children from this instruction — this despite fear of the spread of HIV/AIDS. Few parents exercise this choice.

It is important not only that parents be informed about the sexual topics being covered during the school year — they need also to be encouraged to facilitate family discussion about sexuality in the home, for only in the home can such education be integrated into the family's value system. Parents may welcome being directed to educational materials that will increase their knowledge of children's developing sexuality as a way of improving their "askability" in discussions with their children.

Goldman and Goldman provided a "natural experiment" on the need for sexual education in their book Children's Sexual Thinking (1982). The were two Australian educators looking for the best in sexual education materials and methods. They hit on an ingenious method of determining the value of sexual education programs by interviewing a sample of five- to fifteen-year-olds in four countries — Australia, England, Sweden, and the United States.

Children's sexual thinking is not confined to thinking about sexual intercourse. It embraces a much broader universe of experiences than that and Goldman and Goldman used the broadest meaning of sexuality planning in completing their research.

The child is a sexual thinker from birth. Children constantly seek for information by whatever ingenious method they can. Their interest in exploring sexual topics increases as their age increases, until they feel that they have a fairly complete set of answers. If they do not get answers, they invent them.

Goldman and Goldman found that children in the United States were receiving the least and the latest sexual education, while in Sweden sexual education was provided to children from the first grade, age seven and on. Here we have our "natural experiment" — one country with the least and the latest sexual education, another country with the earliest sexual education. What differences did Goldman and Goldman find between children in the two countries?

Goldman and Goldman found Swedish children to be capable of understanding complex biological concepts much earlier than had been believed. They were two or more years ahead in sexual knowledge and understanding. In the United States children were retarded in their sexual knowledge three or more years — the most retarded of all four countries. The authors were convinced that the American children were inadequately prepared for sexual adulthood. For example, American children gave nonsexual responses to parent roles in procreation. Such answers were strongly in evidence up to and including eleven years of age. Many older children knew the facts of sexual joining, but few could put the facts together to make a satisfactory explanation, even by age fifteen. (Only an estimated 10 percent of American high school students receive comprehensive sex education before they graduate from high school today.)

At the same time, the home was the most cited major source of sex information for children, in the person of the mother. Could it be that silence in the school is matched by silence in the home as well? I suspect that it is. The Sears, Maccoby, and Levine study done in New England (1957) bears this out. One can only be amazed by the ingenious means mothers utilized to thwart the attempts of their young children to engage in sex play and to ask sex questions. Not one parent was completely free and open in the discussion of sex. One reason why parents were not open was the fear that any attention called to the subject of sex might awaken the child to erotic activity.

Parents in the Berges study (1991) never brought up the subject of orgasm with their children. They did not believe that their children had any understanding of what orgasm was. Nor is orgasm a topic commonly discussed in books on sex education prepared for parents of children in U.S. society (Martinson 1992).

Beginning in the 1800s, U.S. society built a wall around children to protect their innocence and to protect them from their own sexual inclinations. Keeping children sexually innocent became firmly established and has continued to be a feature of American culture. This means that teenagers have to look elsewhere for their final sexual instruction. Their peers are major source. They learn from their peers what passion is. They learn joy, the fear, the excitement in sexuality. They learn about orgasm. They learn the status that sexuality can bring.

Engaging in premarital sexual intercourse has become statistically normative for American youth. Fifty-four percent of ninth through twelfth graders and 72 percent of high school seniors have had sexual intercourse (Haffner 1992). An estimated 30 percent of sexually active adolescents become pregnant. Even among those girls in the lowest age categories (fifteen to seventeen), 4 percent have had more than ten different partners. Sexually transmitted diseases — gonorrhea, chlamydia, herpes, and cervical cancer — are occurring at high levels in the United States, and adolescents are both the recipients and the transmitters of these infections (Fisher 1990).

Sweden took another course. It introduced sex education in 1942 and made it compulsory in 1956. After studying its program in the late 1970s, Sweden reduced the age at which each topic was offered. Between the age of seven and ten, Swedish pupils learned the difference between the sexes, where babies come from, the father's role in conception, development before birth, the process of birth, and many other topics.

The Swedes we still not satisfied with their program and introduced a more difficult subject of sex education — namely, teaching children the art of loving. They reason that sexuality is not a bad habit to be discarded. Sex education is important for a happy life. Sex is not a secret in Sweden. Sex education is a total open program based on faith in young people. And the young people responded. They understand about sexuality at an early age. The rate sexual intercourse is not down (Schwartz 1993), but the rates of venereal disease and abortion are. Sweden's abortion rates are lower than the late figures for Australia, the United States, and England and Wales (Gold and Goldman 1982).

I do not know what the outcome of the American program will be. Premarital sexual intercourse is a moral issue for some adults, and this part of the problem. Sexual education has focused, grudgingly I would say, on helping young people avoid the negative consequences of bad decision that could lead to contracting sexually transmitted diseases, unplanned and unwanted pregnancies, school dropouts, early marriage, and a life of poverty.

However, there is a new view, almost in the spirit of the Swedes, that sees sexuality as a matter of health, not illness, and tries to help people accept and enjoy their overall mental and social health and well-being. It is argue that a major source of public schooling should be to teach children how reason, to question, and to accept responsibility — to teach them how to think, more than what to think.

Public education has an obligation to present a variety of ideas that reflect the perspectives of the entire community and to address the needs of all pupils, starting in kindergarten (Sedway 1992). They have introduced a K-12 curriculum. On the other side, there are groups (often referred to as the far right or religious right) who promote a narrower curriculum that eliminates the discussion of controversial topics (such as birth control, AIDS, and abortion) and focuses almost exclusively on sexual abstinence as the only behavior that can be supported for moral or practical reasons. These groups also are introducing curricula, and they are small but fervent and zealous. We can say as Udry (1993:109) did about sex research that it "is not a battle between the forces of good and evil ... nor is it a battle based on some misunderstanding that can be made to go away by more communication. On the contrary. It is a genuine and legitimate political battle between two groups and the population who hold diametrically opposed policy views." It is too soon to say which side will win.

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