Yates. Chapter 7. Enriching the Child's Sexual Response
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The sexual response is learned, beginning in earliest childhood. Parents can aid its development immensely by accepting and encouraging eroticism. The principles are explicit and easily grasped. The goals are the prevention of sexual dysfunctions and the enhancement of pleasure.

Some parents won't wish to change anything. Others have closed this book already, with a sense of mild revulsion. If you feel that encouraging eroticism is immoral, unwholesome, or against religious principles, this book is not for you. If you're certain that sex can erode the family, take over the child, or limit his achievement, then read no further.

If you elect not to change one whit, this doesn't make you a bad parent. The existing system is time-tested and safe. Sexual dysfunction is presumably not the worst that can happen. Should your child change faster than society itself, he may encounter stress. Both you and your child can be criticized. The decision isn't easy. Whatever the answer, it must come from within. The most important determinant is your assessment of your own sexuality, and whether you wish to give your child a richer erotic experience.

If parents disagree about the approach, and can't resolve their differences constructively, then eroticism can become a battleground and the child a weapon. Then the child perceives sex either as a source of power over others or as a liability. Either way, distortions occur, and the child loses. Attitudes of housekeepers, baby-sitters, grandparents, and others are important. Even the neighborhood is significant. A liberal college community is more conducive to change than a small midwestern town. Yet important strides may be taken in even the most rigid setting. A father's stated approval of his son's penis or a mother's playful caress as she bathes her baby is unlikely to evoke criticism anywhere.

The first steps are taken gingerly. It's hard enough to be open about sex with a mate even when sex is an approved item on the marital agenda. With a small and impartial observer there are no guidelines and no way to predict his reaction. It's downright scary. A positive remark about the genitals or a pat and a smile are enough for a start. Most likely little Jenny will flash a disarming grin as she trots off about her business. Perhaps an opportunity will present itself when least expected. Todd's mother recounted a shopping trip with her four-year-old son. She glanced down to find Todd pushing at his crotch with a look of utter exasperation. A short while later he repeated the performance. She asked him if he enjoyed doing that. In a grumpy voice Todd complained that his "peter" kept coming up when he didn't want it to. Mother smiled and said that his penis had a "special magic" to stand up and feel good. Todd's eyes grew large as he stared at his crotch with new respect.

With my training in child psychiatry completed, I embarked on a number of court evaluations. One of the first cases involved a five-year-old girl who was suspected of having been molested by a sixteen-year-old neighbor. I felt anxious, as I had never before initiated a conversation about sex with a child. My patient, Erica, arrived with her mother in tow. She was a totally charming little girl, eager to play and quite willing to talk. If left to her own devices she would have spent the entire session feeding the baby doll or painting bright and gooey designs on large sheets of paper. Her play revealed nothing about a molestation and she met my initial queries with indifference. Obviously, I was the one interested in sex, not she. Or perhaps Erica was cloaking her fear, using her enthusiasm with finger paint to avoid discussing some terrible event. My questions became more specific. Suddenly I realized that Erica couldn't understand me — her words were different. With minimal urging, she taught me her vocabulary. Urination was, "s...s...s," defecation was "ca...ca" and the vagina was a nebulous cavity ensconced between the "belly button" and the "push hole." This talk about anatomy inspired Erica. She described a large bowel movement she had produced that morning. With obvious relish, she placed a baby doll on a potty chair and scolded him for going "poop" in his pants. The baby doll was her baby brother. This was normal play for a five-year-old, and I was tempted to conclude that molestation had not occurred. After all, wouldn't Erica be more upset if something had really happened? I was about to end the session when I happened to think that any police officer could have questioned Erica more thoroughly. Made bold by self-criticism, I took brush in hand and drew a male figure in profile, complete with a large, protruding phallus. Erica watched intently. "Did you ever see one like this?" I asked. "That looks like Tommy's 'squirt dickie' when he tickles me," was her reply. The rest was easy. It was a nice "squirt dickie," it only felt good, and Tommy always stopped when she wished. Tommy told her not to tell Mommy because Mommy would be mad. When I commented that her mommy and the police were worried, she said she had told Tommy not to do that anymore. I reassured her that feeling good was nice, but that it was right not to worry Mommy too. Later in my report I indicated that Erica and Tommy had been involved in normal, noncoercive sex play, and that Erica showed no sign of emotional damage.

Far from having been frightened or upset by my inquiry, Erica was relieved that someone understood and disappointed that she wouldn't see me again. Had I dealt with my own embarrassment earlier in the session, I would have had time to discuss other important matters, such as Erica's perception of her own genitals, and how she felt about her brother's penis.

Shame about sex takes several years to develop. Preschool children are usually relieved when an adult will talk about sex, as long as the adult doesn't have a hidden agenda. The willingness to share affords great comfort and encourages the child to explore his feelings and perceptions further. Older, school-age children are more suspicious. They wonder why the adult is suddenly interested. Perhaps they were seen experimenting with a friend in the bush or spied upon while looking at dirty pictures. What's the parent after, anyway? School-age children need reassurance and a matter-of-fact, casual approach. Special techniques will be described later.

The first attempt at really talking about sex may seem earthshaking to you but can be pleasurable and comforting for your child. Be prepared for some startling misconceptions. My first session with my own children was a revelation. My six-year-old thought that babies resulted from kissing. My five-year-old wondered if boys have to pull on their penis in order to start the stream of urine. My sophisticated ten-year-old had once assumed that girls had a retractable penis they pushed out at will, like a bowel movement. At first, the parent learns more than the child.

Parents who have been raised in sexually repressive homes may sense acute anxiety when they speak about eroticism. This can be inadvertently communicated to children by a slight frown, phrases rapidly repeated, a higher-pitched voice, or an insistence on learning the correct facts about sex. Children perceive the parents' ambivalence accurately and attempt to guess the reason. This then becomes a source of additional misinterpretations. Parents with this difficulty need to resolve their own anxieties in order to deal constructively with their children. Either individual therapy or the new sex therapies may alleviate the problem and enabled a more positive approach.

Most of the chapters that follow recommend certain approaches or tasks designed to develop eroticism in the child. Some may seem distasteful or disgusting. No one exercise, or even series of exercises, is essential to the erotic health of the child. Elect only those suggestions which are comfortable for you. The others are valuable in initiating the rethinking and exploration of your own perceptions. Your attitude toward children's sex is crucial, and like it or not, you communicate that attitude to your children every day.

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