Often a girl or boy may have a special feeling of pleasure while he or she is masturbating. This feeling is called an
orgasm, or climax. An orgasm lasts for only a few seconds, but for both boys and girls it is a very powerful feeling.
For boys and men, the orgasm usually happens during ejaculation—the release of sperm—although some boys may have orgasms without ejaculating. Girls and women can have orgasms but they do not ejaculate.
For many girls and boys, orgasms may not happen until after puberty. For others, orgasms are just not very important. They enjoy masturbating without them.
Orgasm is one of those things that a good many women worry about unnecessarily. The novelist Mary McCarthy once called this perennial anxiety “the tyranny of the orgasm.” Young girls aren’t as likely to worry about it, since most of them won’t experience it before they’re fifteen, but they will during the next five years, in one way or another. That’s too bad. There should be no problems about orgasm that healthy attitudes or good counseling can’t solve.
It’s quite natural, however, for girls to be curious about the orgasm, since in these days they read and hear so much about it. They want to know, “What’s it really like? How will I feel? How do I know when I’m having it?”
Many of the great writers of world literature have tried to answer those questions, and modern novels are full of less masterful descriptions. Doctors have long since described its clinical aspects. Sometimes specialists in sexual studies are able, in a way, to combine the clinical with the literary. One famous sex researcher, Havelock Ellis, whose Studies in the Psychology of Sex was a pioneering landmark in the field, described orgasm achieved in intercourse as a state in which “the individual, as a separate person, tends to disappear. He has become one with another person, as nearly one as the conditions of existence ever permit.”
Describing how a woman feels when she’s having orgasm, Ellis speaks of her as having a “feeling of relieved tension and agreeable repose — a moment when, as one woman expresses it, together with intense pleasure, there is, as it were, a floating up into a higher sphere . . . [After the orgasm] there is a sensation of repose and self-assurance, and often an accession of free and joyous energy. . . . She may experience a feeling of intoxication that is followed by no evil reaction.”
Such modern researchers as Masters and Johnson, whose studies of orgasm are a modern high-water mark in sex research, would never put it in such a flowery way, but their descriptions come down to the same thing, as do those of other researchers.
The whole body is involved into the action of orgasm. Respiration and heartbeat increase; a flush covers parts of the body. The climax, what we call an orgasm, seems almost like a spasm of the whole body mechanism. After that, everything calms down quickly. In males blood flows back out of the penis, which returns to normal size after being large and swollen. No matter how the orgasm is brought about, whether by masturbation, intercourse, or by some other method, what happens to the body is the same physiologically.
As a result of present-day studies, we now have a fairly comprehensive knowledge of what happens to the body during orgasm. It can be divided into four parts, of which the orgasm itself is the third.
First there is the excitement phase, beginning in females with a moistening of the vagina by its lubricating fluid and in boys and men with partial hardening, elongating of the penis. This occurs in a few to thirty seconds from the first sexual stimulation, no matter what its source may be. Stimulation of the clitoris for females or of the penis for males contributes to this phase, too, although it isn’t essential. In females, the nipples on the breasts become erect, and the breasts themselves increase in size. At the same time, the outer lips of the vulva, the labia majora, open a little, while the inner lips also tend to swell. In males, both testicles become drawn upward toward the perineum, while the skin of scrotum somewhat tense and thicken. In boys and men the erection may be partially lost and regained repeatedly during an extended excitement phase. Aside from the sex organs, this phase is also reflected in other parts of the body as the voluntary muscles tense, the pulse rate increases, blood pressure rises, and a rosy glow called the “sex flush” appears on the skin.
Excitement is succeeded by the plateau phase, although it would be hard to say where one phase stops and the next begins. Now the breathing rate increases. Pulse rate and blood pressure begin to rise. The sex flush becomes more marked and widespread, while muscle tension is heightened and in females the area around the breast nipples swells. Even more dramatic is the swelling of the tissues around the outer third of the vagina so that the diameter of the opening is reduced as much as 50 percent, enabling it to grip the penis. In pubertal and pre-pubertal males urethral sphincter contracts and muscles at the base of the penis begin a steady rhythmic contraction, while the testicles rise closer to the body. Adult men as well as adolescent boys may start to ooze turbid seminal fluid or limpid pre-ejaculatory fluid. In girls and adult women other changes continue in the uterus and vagina. The uterus itself is enlarged, doubling in size in women who have had children. The clitoris elevates, like a male’s erection, and the inner lips change in color from pink to bright red. This color change signals that an orgasm is going to occur in a minute or a little more if stimulation continues.
Orgasm itself is the third phase. There’s a feeling of intense pleasure as the outer third of the vaginal tube in females or all the erected penis in males goes into rhythmic muscular contractions, coming four-fifths of a second apart, until the intensity tapers off. In a mild orgasm, there may be only three to five contractions; in an intense one, eight to twelve. The uterus in females and the prostate gland in boys and men also contracts rhythmically, in wavelike motions, just as the uterus does during childbirth, but these contractions aren’t felt.
In adolescent boys and adult men orgasm is usually associated with ejaculation, and each ejection is associated with a wave of sexual pleasure, especially all over the penis and testicles, loins and the lower back. The first and second convulsions are usually the most intense in sensation, and produce the greatest quantity of semen. Thereafter, each contraction is associated with a diminishing volume of semen and a milder wave of pleasure.
Both in males and females of all ages other muscles may orgasmically contract in the same way as genitals, while in the rest of the body, pulse rate, blood pressure, and breathing rate reach their peaks, the sex flush is pronounced, and all the body’s muscles respond in some way. Even hands and feet contract in a spasm. Through it all, both male and female are unaware of these muscular exertions, and unless they know better, are surprised when their muscles ache next day.
When a man or a woman orgasms, that’s a big release of sexual energy, and it’s headed right at you. The better--more
advanced, aged, long and sustained--your partner’s orgasms and multiorgasmic
session are, the more high-quality energy you get.
Withdrawal from orgasmic response into multiorgasmic is commonly used by males of all ages if they don’t want to loose vigor, erection, and high levels of excitement after orgasm or ejaculation. At the height of sexual excitement, when all people are most involved and the boy wants to keep on pushing in, he feels himself coming to orgasm and always has the choice to give up to regular orgasm and ejaculation or to withdraw himself into multiorgasmic elevation. Usually and especially when a male is untrained, he’s able to withdraw from any orgasm but barely able freely to enter into pattern of multiorgasmic response when he’s literally flying from one orgasmic peak to another and is enough powerful consciously to continue his orgasmic play and joy or gently interrupt it for some time and then go on again. Multiorgasmic adolescent boys and adult males may milk their seminal fluids during multiorgasmic response, they keep their erection and vigor going on and churn their milk to dry. As a male is churning to dry, his multiorgasmic fluids are totally absorbed by the surface of the glans of penis. During multiorgasmic intercourse vaginal walls actively participate in absorption too until no semen is left.
After orgasm a kind of final resolution occurs. Muscles relax, blood pressure drops and the body slows down from its excited state. In females, swelling around the nipples subsides, giving the illusion that they are more erect than ever. This is a sure sign that a woman has really experienced orgasm. The sex flush disappears rapidly, and in many females and males a filmy sheen of perspiration appears on the body. In five or ten seconds the clitoris and the penis decrease in size, return to being flaccid and to their normal positions, but it may take five or ten minutes, or as long as a half hour, to get back to normal size. In females, the vagina relaxes, too, the uterus shrinks, and the cervix descends to its normal position. At this point, the passage through the cervix enlarges, making it easier for the sperm cells to swim into the uterus. It may be a half hour or more before a girl’s or a boy’s body returns to the state it was in before she or he was stimulated. If she’s reached the plateau stage without orgasm, it will take much longer — an hour, or even several hours.
Ejaculation or orgasm often has a soothing effect, so that a person who is very tense may feel more relaxed after ejaculation or orgasm. After orgasm the whole body may recover quickly, especially in women and boys.
However, if a male’s or female’s body reaches a physiological point where the amount of sex he or she has is more than he/she can handle, he/she won’t be able to have an orgasm until he/she has rested for a while. This period after orgasm when a male or a female cannot experience sexual arousal no matter how much they try is called a refractory period, and it comes after resolution phase. The amount of time people will need depends on their age, sex, physical condition, and some psychological factors. For males refractory period very often may last significantly longer than for females, and for males capable to ejaculate significantly longer than for pre-adolescent boys. If they have refractory period, males of all ages are unable to achieve erection and orgasm for some period of time again, adolescent boys and adult men also are unable to repeat ejaculation. This period ends when a man will be able to become aroused again by any sort of stimulation.
Impotence is something girls don’t have to worry about, but it’s a serious problem where their sexual partners are concerned. There are three kinds of male impotence which may happen to any male.
The most common is erectile impotence, in which the male can’t get an erection when he wants one. For a younger boy that can happen if he’s frightened by something or is fearful he isn’t going to get an erection. For adult males it usually happens after ejaculation and keeps on through the all refractory period.. Orgasmic impotence happens when a male can get an erection but is unable to reach the orgasmic climax or multiorgasmic response, no matter how long he tries and wants to. For a male of any age it can happen if he’s frightened, embarrassed by something or other way emotionally disturbed. Ejaculatory impotence is less common. That happens when a male can get an erection and even orgasmic response but can’t ejaculate or eject semen, no matter how long he wants to. For a man it would happen if he had already milked a lot of his semen during long multiorgasmic session.
Impotence is usually caused by anxiety and disappears when the causes are removed. The best way to overcome impotence of any kind is to accept it as a possibility and not feel you’re no good if you can’t perform. That will reduce anxiety, and chances are you’ll be able to get an erection, orgasmize, and ejaculate in some time.
If you wants to stimulate your sex drive (and not many would think of doing it), you should get plenty of sleep, eat nourishing vegetarian food, and keep yourself in general good health. Don’t believe those myths that foods like raw oysters, eggs, or malted milk will increase your sexual interest and performance. There’s no truth in this or any related idea. But nothing has ever been found that will do it except the injection or stimulation of production of male hormones in men, and that may have dangerous side effects. Meanwhile, if a boy is in good health, he’ll most likely be able to perform sexually as close to his capacity as possible.
If a male is young, he can be restimulated quickly, and the whole process can be repeated quite soon. But as boys grow older, the time it takes to do this slowly lengthens with age, and although men are never too old to have erection and orgasm if they are physically healthy, it is a longer process in old age. Multiorgasmic males of all ages can be restimulated to the next orgasm very and very quickly, and the whole process can be repeated again and again.
Penis in flaccid state—before arousal and after orgasm,
erection before regular orgasm and after multiorgasmic session.
Orgasms vary, just like the people who have them. For some boys and girls it’s a very mild experience, not much more than a sigh; or it can go to the opposite extreme and result in a state of ecstasy where his or her body thrash about, with a momentary loss of awareness. It can last only a few seconds, or for thirty seconds and longer. In short, there’s no right or wrong way to have an orgasm.
A common misconception, argued about for decades even to the present moment, is that in females there are two kinds of orgasm, one achieved by stimulating the clitoris, therefore called a clitoral orgasm, and the other a “vaginal orgasm,” accomplished by the penis’s penetration of the vagina. The first kind was thought to be achieved by masturbation, fondling, or intercourse if the male pubic area pressed against the clitoris. This was considered by some to be an immature kind of orgasm, related to early sexual experiences. Vaginal orgasms were believed to be more mature, the ultimate sexual experience for a woman. In reality, orgasm during intercourse is brought by the conjunct stimulation of the clitoris. The clitoris is stimulated by the male area above the penis and by the penis’s action as it moves in and out of the vagina and pulls down the labia. These pulling-down thrusts create a hood of flesh over the sensitive tip of the clitoris, rubbing against it.
In fact, there’s no real difference in the kind of orgasms boys and girls have, whether by masturbation, fondling, or intercourse. It simply isn’t true that if a girl or a boy has sex in one particular way — let’s say masturbation — she as well as he won’t be able to have orgasm any other way.
No matter how long it lasts or how intense it is, orgasm is an experience so specific and unique that when a boy or a girl has one, they’ll be in no doubt that they’re having it. In one way, it’s like doing something more familiar — sneezing. If you still have doubts about whether you’ve had one or not after reading the description of orgasm I’ve just given, chances are good that you haven’t.
There are several sources of orgasm. For boys and girls up to fifteen, most are produced (in those who have them) by self-masturbation. Dreams are another source, fondling is the third one and intercourse is the fourth.
Reading this, you might get the idea that everybody is engaged in some kind of sexual activity all the time, and if you’ve never masturbated or been fondled to the point of climax, you may be wondering why there’s so much fuss about orgasm. After all, it may be a pleasurable experience to be enjoyed later, but there’s no reason to get upset if you’re not having it now. That’s understandable. But there is something to be said for those who do have orgasm early. The longer a girl and a boy delays experiencing it, whatever the source, the more difficult it may be to have it in later life. A steady buildup of inhibition is likely to be taking place in the meantime.
That’s a truth some parents may not like to hear. Yet it’s a demonstrable fact that boys and girls who regularly have orgasm and exercise their multiorgasmic capacities when they’re young — that is, up to fifteen — are those who experience the least difficulty having and mastering it later on. It doesn’t matter how the orgasm comes, whether it’s from intercourse, being fondled, or masturbation. Half (1/2) the girls who’ve never known what it’s like to have an orgasm until they’re married or enter into some other relationship fail to have one during the first year of that relationship, whatever it may be. Of those who have experienced it, only one in ten (1/10) fails to have it in circumstances of regular intimacy. The same is true about multiorgasmic potential of boys. If they were not lucky to exercise their potential when they were young and relatively independent, every year after adolescence it will be harder for them to be multiorgasmic again.
Surprisingly, girls who have intercourse when they’re young but still don’t experience orgasm have just as hard a time, or harder, having it when they’re established in a regular relationship, whether it’s marriage or not. Clearly, a girl who learns what orgasm is at an early point in her adolescence is going to have a more fulfilling time later on. The same is true for boys and their multiorgasmic exercises.
We need to dispose right here of a superstition still earnestly believed by some people, that if a girl learns to have orgasms by masturbating herself or a boy learns to have multiple orgasms by masturbating himself, or having someone else do it to them, they’ll be so accustomed to this method that they’ll have trouble experiencing it in intercourse. There’s no truth whatever in this notion. In fact, it’s easier to transfer the way you achieve orgasm from one kind of sexual behavior to another than it is to have one in the first place.
Girls and multiorgasmic boys have one big advantage over boys where the orgasm is concerned. It’s their ability to have many of orgasms in succession. Well, many young untrained boys are able to have three or four in relatively quick succession, with a short interval between, however, they lose that ability progressively as they grow older. Many girls and multiorgasmic boys, on the other hand, are able to have an almost unlimited number in succession from the time of their first experience until their sexual activity ceases. That isn’t true of all of girls who didn’t have any training. There’s tremendous variation, just as there is in every other area of sexual activity. Some girls and boys are satisfied with one, while others can’t keep themselves from having many.
Statistics show that one or two girls out of every ten (1-2/10) have more than one orgasm. A few girls, however, perhaps three in a hundred (3/100), have more orgasms than any boy, as girls are capable of five, ten, twenty, or even fifty orgasms one right after the other. And all multiorgasmic boys can repeat their session dozens and even hundreds times a day. A next orgasm or orgasmic wave usually occurs almost immediately after the previous one, while the girl or the boy is still very much aroused and hasn’t come down from her or his previous orgasmic peak. But it can also occur after they do come down, building up to a new peak ten seconds or two-twenty-thirty minutes later. For some girls and boys these multiple orgasms may peak ten, thirty, or even fifty and more times in the course of one sex experience. In such a long series the peaks are often smaller, waves singular and shorter, but every one can be just as satisfying as it is to the woman or to the man who has only one. Moreover, with every new orgasmic wave the intensity, depth and heights of pleasure and experience are continuously increasing.
There’s nothing at all abnormal about having multiple orgasms or about wanting a great deal of sex. What people think is “abnormal” in sex is determined very much by what they think of as “normal,” and it hasn’t much to do with the actual behavior of people in general. Most women and many men could have several orgasms at a time if they really wanted to try. People believe a “nymphomaniac” is a woman who can’t be satisfied sexually, who lives in a state of constant sexual excitement and whether she has orgasm or not, wants to have more and more sex. The same condition in men who have insatiable sexual appetites and could never be satisfied was called “satyriasis.” The notion “nymphomania” was invented by males who didn’t find out and develop their own multiorgasmic capacities, and no doubt it’s an exciting fantasy for them. Just a fantasy and not a practice. Who knows, perhaps, “nymphomania” doesn’t actually exist in real life, however. There is the widest possible variation in human sexual activity and there is nothing that could be considered “too much” or “too little.” My definition of a “nymphomaniac” is a woman who has a higher rate of sexual outlet than the person who calls her that. Or, as Kinsey put it so aptly, “a nymphomaniac is someone who has more sex than you do.”
In the time of great concern about the drug culture and about breaking smoking habits or recovering from alcoholism, a new and fashionable fad has arisen claiming that sex can be addictive, too, and requires treatment. Again, there is no support in the study of human sexual behavior for such a notion. People have more or less sex for a variety of reasons, and there’s the widest possible variation among human beings all over the world. “Addiction” is in the same category as “nymphomania.”
If a girl’s sexual response is high and constant, there’s no reason for her to worry that she’s a “nymphomaniac” or an “addict.” On the contrary, she should be pleased that she is so responsive, and she’ll find that she’s closer to males in her sexual response.
Still another idea that needs rebuttal is the notion that it’s highly desirable if both partners in the sex act have orgasm and multiorgasmizing at the same time. If it happens, that’s fine, but it’s not important. The intercourse will be pleasurable in any case, under ordinary circumstances. If the partners can’t wait for each other, then the one who achieves orgasm first helps the one who’s late to come to climax. It is important, however, for the partner who hasn’t had the orgasm to have one. That may require more intercourse or fondling or both until it ripens, happens, and especially grows into multiorgasmic experience.
In the sex act itself, whether it’s fondling or intercourse, it’s still necessary for each partner to be self-centered for the time being, enough to achieve orgasm and especially multiorgasmic session. Paradoxically, that’s the very thing that will bring most pleasure to the other partner. Discovering, exploring, and exercising orgasmic and multiorgasmic responses of each other
Even if orgasm or multiorgasm isn’t achieved, it’s not the end of the world, as some people think. Either partner can get a great deal of pleasure out of sex simply from the pleasure mutually given. So even though the orgasm and especially multiorgasm is a highly enjoyable experience, it isn’t the only good feeling two people can have from sex. There’s also the feeling of closeness, the shared pleasure, the blissful intimacy of people who love each other bring women and men of any age extreme excitement, wonder, and joy.
The girl or the boy who’s never had an orgasm or multiorgasm may be disappointed if they don’t have one automatically the first time they try to achieve it by masturbation, fondling, or intercourse. It’s something like learning to play tennis, or the piano. You have to learn, through practice, how to build up to this peak, behold and overcome it, go through it and fly beyond it. To become multiorgasmic a boy or a girl learns and practice to participate in his or her orgasmic response actively, in other words to swim in their passion like as a fish in the ocean, to hold on the wave and to fly freely just as a bird in skies. It’s easier for some girls and boys than for others. Some take months or years to learn it well. Others achieve it satisfactorily the first time they try. It’s a learning process like any other, but a lot more fun.
Well, we live primarily in a goal-oriented society. Whether that is right or wrong is another matter, but it is plain to anyone who observes our national life that most people are strongly motivated toward some kind of goal and are struggling hard to get there. To many people, making a lot of money is the goal, and what happens along the way is so incidental that people or things not related to the struggle are given short shrift. In our sexual lives, the goal is orgasm, and we measure success or failure by whether it is achieved and how often it is achieved.
If we were process-oriented, goals would not be so important, for it is what happens during the process that determines the quality of life. The process of getting from the beginning of making love to the final orgasm or to the last multiorgasmic session, if it takes place, is the essence of what sex is all about. It is extremely important, I think, to remember that this process is not only sexual but affectional.
To illustrate, here is the man who begins to think, on the way home, about having sex with his wife that night. He is goal-oriented toward the ultimate orgasm. As soon as he gets home, he begins the process that will lead him to that end, giving his wife seductive caresses and passionate kisses instead of the usual more perfunctory salutes, letting her know by his actions that he expects to have intercourse with her as soon as they go to bed that night.
He may think of himself as a great lover, but unwittingly he is eroding his relationship with his wife, because on the following night he will come home expecting to be fed, play with the children for a time, look at television, and go to bed at the usual time. The caresses and kisses are not for that night; they were for last night, or some other night in the future. But if he had been process-oriented instead, these displays of affection would be an end in themselves and they would take place every morning, day, evening, and night, whether they led to intercourse or not. These things people do to make their marriages emotionally easier, avoid tensions, and consequently give their children a healthier family life. My patients find one of these remedies so startling that it invariably brings them upright in their chairs, especially if they are men.
“I think you ought to have sex every night, seven nights a week,” I tell them, and watch for the reaction.
“But that’s impossible. Doctor,” most of the men protest, while the women are more likely to raise an incredulous, or skeptical, eyebrow.
Then I explain that we are not talking about sex in the same way. It is the old obstacle of goal orientation. Tell people to have sex every night, and even most women will join the men in thinking you mean intercourse leading to orgasm. But that is not the only kind of sex people can have with each other. Cuddling, caressing, kissing, touching are sexual acts in themselves, and even if they go on for no more than five minutes, they bring a man and a woman close together and renew their sexual feelings for each other. Sometimes that is enough. When people are first married, they may fondly believe that they will never get enough of each other sexually, and many do have intercourse every night for several years. But does sex between people have to stop simply because complete intercourse is not possible or desired every time the two come together? Not at all. The relationship, and the marriage, can be kept very much alive indefinitely if couples can be together physically every night for a lit-tie while, whether intercourse results or not.
This procedure is not difficult for many of my patients. Once they understand the idea, they accept it enthusiastically, and report that it works well. Sometimes, however, in marriages where people have grown far apart or have never really come together, it is necessary to go back to the beginning, so that they can learn how to become more affectionate with each other. These cases also include the individuals who find it hard to show affection, even though the man does love his wife, and the wife reciprocates and is ready to respond.
What I advise these people often repels them at first, because it seems to reduce something that should be warm and spontaneous to a mechanistic level. Nevertheless, I say to these men (it is usually the male), “Keep reminding yourself. Say to yourself, ‘It has been twenty minutes since I touched my wife. I will go and touch her.’” If that seems like giving instructions to a robot to perform a robotlike act, let me say that for a man who habitually gives his wife no more than a perfunctory good-morning or good-night kiss, he is taking a large step.
Now, when he is with her, he reminds himself to show her some mark of physical affection at frequent intervals — touching, caressing, kissing — until it becomes easier and easier, less and less mechanical, more and more spontaneous, until at last he learns to demonstrate affection without thinking about it at all, simply because he has learned how to break through his own inhibitions and make contact with another human being.
