“I know I'm supposed to hate humans, but there's something about them. They don't just survive, they discover, they create... I mean, just look at what they do with food!”
The cooking properties of semen are similar to egg whites, with the only real difference being the volumes used. Since semen is usually only available in smaller amounts, most of the recipes utilize semen for its taste, and only secondly for its smooth texture or nutrition. Most of the recipes instruct that the semen be added towards the end of the cooking process or in the final stages of making a sauce. This is so that the delicate flavors do not risk getting overwhelmed by the other ingredients or destroyed by the cooking process.
After ejaculation, the earlier part of the ejaculate typically does not coagulate, while the latter part of the ejaculated semen clots almost immediately after ejaculation, forming a sticky, jelly-like globules. So when freshly ejaculated, semen usually has a thick lumpy consistency. If a man's semen is thick, the congealing takes less time. If it is of a thin consistency, then more time is needed.
Left untouched coagulated semen then "melts" and turns more fluid. After a period typically ranging from 15-30 minutes prostate-specific antigen present in the semen causes the decoagulation of the seminal viscous consistency and lets the seminal fluids of the ejaculate to separate from the sperm.
Some semen cooks prefer using semen in its melted state while others enjoy ejaculating directly into the sauce pan or mixing bowl. The recipes in this book sometimes specify "melted" semen but using "unmelted" will not affect the taste of the final food dish.
"Toxin" is a broad classification ranging from simple irritants all the way up to excito- and neurotoxins. Most of what is found in semen are irritants at worst, and generally bacterial byproducts of things found in every human body, see probiotics. Semen is only harmful if you have specific bacterial infections, a few rare diseases, or a sexually transmitted disease. That's disgusting.
The "only" thing you could do to make it safer than fresh is to pasteurize it. Or to heat it. For example, AIDS survives being baked for 20 minutes; additionally, it can be broiled for 13, flambéed for 7, barbecued for 6, grilled for 3. But I imagine any form of pasteurization would destroy the flavor. So take care of your health and be a safe semen supplier for others. Oh, and don't use any semen from a producer you wouldn't have unprotected sex with.
Is there anything that semen should be paired with as far as food ingredients go? Sauces, butters and creams. If you eat tons of red meat, drink gallons of coffee, and smoke cigars frequently, I would probably make a Tzatziki Sauce with your semen and serve it with gyros and a Greek salad. The lemon and garlic will take care of it. I think a shot of Ouzo would round of the meal nicely. For wines, a Riesling. If you're eating your beefy, bitter, caffeinated semen raw, try pairing it with a tall glass of Spanish dry sherry for the best effect.
Chefs note: Ejaculated semen has strong anti-aphrodisiacal qualities. If a man capable to keep his full erection during and after his milking his semen becomes a strong aphrodisiac.
• Semen culinary history
