Chapter XI
<< The Rewards Are Great >>
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Why would a man want to learn to be a better lover? What if his wife seems willing to accept what he does now? Why should he work hard to change? Why is it important to become a more caring person?

There has to be a lot in it for him, that's certain. And, of course, there is.

Caring more means sharing more. Caring means paying attention to your partner's feelings and needs. It means recognizing that your pleasure and arousal can be a source of pleasure for another. Essentially, it is expanding me-centeredness to we-centeredness. It results in great personal enjoyment. If it didn't, if there weren't rewards, few men would take the trouble to change.

So what is the reward?

The reward comes in your own personal enjoyment. Sex never was and never will be entirely physical. There are other feelings that enter into it. Good sex comes when you give up your need for personal control and flow with the sensations you have. You let yourself feel an awareness of your partner's pleasure, and that increases your own. You share a new warmth, a new feeling of value. As you give love, you receive it. You share the pleasure of sex, perhaps for the first time.
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Does it matter whether your partner is a spouse, a "one-night-stand," heterosexual or homosexual? Not at all. If you learn how to be a good lover (someone who can give love), you may find that your partner will also improve.

Recognize just what your values are. If you do not want to have sex before you marry, yet you want to be capable of showing your great love to your new wife when you do, then you must deal with the need to masturbate. You must master the skills of loving without involving a conflict with your morality. Even a man who prefers to be a virgin when he marries can follow this path.

We have found that men who "hang loose," sexually, are more apt to be willing to exert themselves to become good lovers. Those who hold personal morality as a defense against using masturbation for release or in the process of learning to be multi-orgasmic are often rigid people. They also tend to be self-critical, reproaching themselves for sins they imagine they have committed.

Do you have to be a "swinger" to free yourself from such fears and inhibitions? Not at all. Many swingers are not really comfortable with sex. Sometimes they are trying to prove that they are free of hang-ups that they actually find very confining.

If you are to achieve the most in your sex life, you must aim at becoming comfortable with your own sexuality. And that's why, throughout this book, we have repeatedly returned to the subject of masturbation. A man who is at ease when he masturbates is apt to be comfortable when he has sex with a partner.


Let Your Partner Do Her Thing, Too

This means that when she is pleasuring you, she should be allowed to do it her way.
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       1.    Accept what she does unless it's painful. If it hurts, let her know it.
       2.    Let her experiment with the use of her hands, her mouth, her breasts—any part of her body. She should have fun, too.
       3.    Never underestimate the power of your partner—or her skill at making love. Once you make it clear that you're learning, give her a chance to try new things, too. Creativity in sex is great fun.
       4.    Don't demand that your partner think of what to do next, if she finds that difficult. If she hesitates, suggest that she try some of the exercises we've described. You'll both enjoy the nondemand pleasuring exercises, or the body caressing.
       5.    Take responsibility for your own pleasure. Don't let yourself get tied into one technique. That makes sex monotonous. You want to make it—and keep it—exciting.
       6.    Let your partner know with sounds—not necessarily with words—how much you like what she's doing.
       7.    Don't try to pleasure each other at the same time until you've had some good long sessions of nondemand sex enjoyment. Mutual foreplay is not the same as alternate pleasuring.
       8.    Never put a limit on the joy that is possible when: a) You pleasure yourself; b) Your partner pleasures you; c) You mutually pleasure each other.
       9.    If you can think of any way to make your partner enjoy pleasuring you, do it. Make her comfortable. Return the pleasuring later—but don't rush to get to the place where both of you are pleasuring each other at the same time.
       10.    Pay attention to what your partner does when she pleasures you. Often she does to you what she'd like to have you do to her, but she may be too shy to ask you directly.
       11.    Be a good receiver. Giving sex pleasure loses its fun if the person who receives your gift does not show appreciation.
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Let yourself revel in your pleasure. Don't just say "that feels good," and then go on to something else. One of your goals in these exercises should be to learn to appreciate pleasure.

Even in this, there must be mutuality. You must each take responsibility for your own enjoyment. Tell each other what feels good, and then help each other make whatever is going on more pleasurable.

Albert, a recent client, talked about his girl during an early meeting. "She's terrific. But when we have sex, she expects me to do all the work. She wants me to concentrate all of my attention on her. We kiss, and when we have intercourse she moves a little. But she will never touch my genitals, and she won't get on top."

We asked if he had ever talked to her about this, and he said yes. "I've suggested that she should be more active, but she says she doesn't intend to try to be different than she is." He gestured uneasily. "I've been with other women, and they're great. They touch my penis—and even kiss it. And they get on top, and move around. If Karen doesn't change, I guess I'll have to move on. I like being with her, but sex is important, too. If I stay with her and she doesn't change, I know I'll begin looking around for someone else, and that isn't fair, either."

Karen persisted in her stand, and Albert finally left her. We understood. She refused to consider sex as a mutual thing. To her it was what her grandmother had considered it—"something a man did and a woman endured."


Multi-Orgasms During Intercourse

We'll go over a few points again. When you begin to try to transfer your multi-orgasmic ability from masturbation to intercourse, we suggest that your partner be on top. That will allow you to relax. It will also let her move more and control the depth of your thrusting. You will not improve your performance by slamming into her. Gentleness is the key to success. Gentle movements, gentle thrusts.
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If your partner is on top she can also direct the position of your penis in her vagina. She may want to have it touch her so-called "G-spot" on the top wall of her vagina, near her bladder. Some women find this particularly pleasing. This would be at what we mentioned earlier as the "twelve o'clock" position.

Remember this: Many women—your partner included—learn to accept themselves as sperm recepticals. That's all many men consider them to be. If you've read this far, you probably aren't that type of man. You want your partner to be far more. You want her to feel loved. So put the emphasis on gentleness, tenderness, and caring. Be aware of the signals she gives you. Accept the fact that she may be too hesitant to actually talk about her sexual desires. There are few situations in life where a women is used as often as in sex. And you want to stop that practice with the woman you love.

If you do that, you'll be rewarded. She will respond by paying equal attention to your responses. We find that if a man is willing to take the time to become aware of his body and its functions, he will develop a greater appreciation of his own pleasure. You can develop this skill together. You can each learn to let your body have its say. And we find that when a man does this, he seems to become multi-orgasmic so naturally that he is surprised at how easy it becomes.

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A Few Reviews

Keep yourself in good physical shape. People who are into exercising like jogging, walking, cycling, and tennis tend to do better sexually. Besides, sports are fun, too. You'll find that as you improve the condition of your body your pleasure in living increases. Most multi-orgasmic men are into some form of physical exercise on a regular basis.

Chuck is a good example of this. He is on a regular exercise regimen. He's been jogging for five years. He's twenty-eight, and he's been running five miles a day for the last three years. His body is in good shape, and he dares to ask things of it that would be impossible were he flabby and weak.

He had no difficulty developing the control of the PC muscle that is so important for multi-orgasms. So get yourself back in shape if you've let yourself go a bit. You'll be amazed at how much better you feel, and how much easier it will be for you to achieve your sexual goals.

When you're concentrating on your own responses, masturbate. Don't ask your partner to put up with hours of focusing on your needs and ignoring hers. There'll be time enough to bring someone else into your activities when you've mastered multi-orgasms and can control your erections and ejaculations. Then you can explore the joy of mutual pleasuring on an equal basis.

When you're pleasuring her, focus your thoughts and feelings on her. To help you do this, keep your attention in the here and now. Focus on your reactions and on the reactions of your partner. A good lover takes pleasure in a relationship in which he can give pleasure. If he isn't enjoying what he does, his "giving" will soon dry up.

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What's the G-Spot?

There has been a lot said lately about the G-spot, supposedly located about a full finger's length into the vagina right on the roof (or top), directly behind the pubic bone. We have not found consistent responses in our female subjects to caressing there. Some like it very much. Others find it uncomfortable. Nevertheless, since many women are curious about the spot, we suggest that you try caressing there, just to give your partner a chance to discover how she reacts.

In our studies of subjects, we have found several women who insisted they had G-spots, and who seemed to respond well to caressing there. However, we are not at all sure that they were not simply anxious to get more clinical attention by claiming to have the "latest" trigger to super sex.

We have not been able to locate any specific spot on any of our research subjects. We are continuing our investigation of this subject, and if we do find a definite spot that reacts as the Grafenberg spot is supposed to react, we will publish that information.

Vaginal Clock

Dr. Arnold Kegel reported the especially sensitive sexual spots at what might be called the four and eight o'clock points. He found that if the finger was inserted up to two joints, the fleshy tip would generally touch the most responsive point.

In the meantime, you may wish to do a bit of experimenting yourself. If you want to try to locate the elusive G-spot, this is what you should do:

       1.    Insert the first two fingers (index and middle) of either hand gently into your partner's vagina.
       2.    Point the fleshy part of the finger upward and toward twelve o'clock.
       3.    Explore directly upward with your fingertips along a corrugated ridge that protects her urethra. This will require your pushing in as deep as you can.
       4.    Pull your hand out slowly, pressing your fingers against the front wall of her vagina until you're touching her pubic bone.
       5.    Repeat the procedure. This time keep your other hand outside her body, opposite the one inside your partner's vagina. Press downward until you can feel your fingertips "meet."
       6.    Follow your partner's directions. She may have some idea where you should touch to please her most—and that may be the magic G-spot.
       7.    Be prepared to accept the fact that your partner may be one of those women who doesn't like having this spot stimulated.
       8.    You'll find other sensitive places, too, unique to your partner, if you explore her body with the same concern and interest you showed in yourself when you were working on the masturbation exercises.
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We find that most women prefer what we call the vaginal caress. Whatever you do, don't try to prove theories. You're together for pleasure, not for scientific research. . And don't forget that any arousal is most effective after a long period of body and genital caressing and pleasuring.


Some Women Can't Take It

We were surprised when we first encountered a woman who was actually opposed to her partner's multi-orgasmic abilities. She protested when we were interviewing her and her partner before accepting them into therapy.

"Why can't he be like other men?" She seemed very upset. "I talk to the women in my bridge club and they tell me the whole thing's over in five or ten minutes. But I have to get a man who just goes on and on."

Here was the perfect example of the woman who believes that sex is a duty for a woman and a pleasure only for the man. She had never learned to relax and enjoy her body. Nor could we do much to change her. She felt "put upon" when her husband became multi-orgasmic, because he "dragged the thing out so long."
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She also seemed to feel that unless he behaved just as her friends' husbands did, he was "strange." Conformity was important to her, even in sex.

Her attitude was common among women only a generation or two ago. We realize that there is always some hangover from past ideology. But such people, in this day when human pleasure is finally being accepted as good, are pathetic throwbacks to a Victorian past. They deserve our pity, not our anger or censure.


What If You Still Aren't Multi-Orgasmic?

Some men may never reach that goal, even though they practice dutifully every day. But that doesn't mean they won't get something out of this book.

Consider this: During your practice, you've probably learned to extend your pleasure and that of your partner by being able to go longer. If you and your partner are enjoying what you're doing, that's all that matters.

Another thing: You may continue with your PC exercises because they give you more control and make you feel good. You may keep them up for months—or maybe even years. And then, one day when you've almost forgotten why you started it all, the "flip over" will occur. You'll be there. Remember, we said at the start that there is no particular time limit to this process. It can happen within a week—or it can take much much longer.

Do you have a different problem? You may have lots of orgasms in quick succession when you masturbate, but you are unable to transfer it to intercourse. Well, don't worry about that, either. Other men have had the same "problem." One, as we mentioned earlier, was certain that he'd be able to when he formed a permanent relationship with a loving partner. Others have made the transfer only after they felt very comfortable with what happened, and when they became convinced that their partners were at ease, too.
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One interesting phenomenon occurred more than once during our studies. A woman has a very strong vaginal contraction during orgasm, so strong that it is "picked up" by the recorder in her partner's anus, giving the impression that he has had an orgasm, too. Sometimes he even feels added pleasure because of the tight spasms of his partner's vagina.

In our research, it's important to know exactly what actually happened. But is it just as important to the partners who are experiencing the sex? Certainly not! What matters to them is that they are sharing pleasure.

What must always be most important to you is the pleasure you and your partner are enjoying together.


Our Subjects Give Suggestions

One of our subjects, who had had many conversations with us about multi-orgasms but who for a long time seemed unable to achieve them, told us of his eventual success. "I found that the key to it all was not to withdraw. I had an orgasm, but instead of letting that end things, I just kept on going. I think everyone could do it. It really isn't that hard." His multi-orgasms were as real as any, but he achieved them by having more orgasms after ejaculating—and recognizing that "dry orgasms" were as important to him as his first "wet" one.

Another man sang the praises of the PC muscle. Both he and his partner had strong pelvic muscles, and they tightened them when he felt the need to control ejaculation. It worked for them, and he was convinced that "anyone could do it."
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Yet another subject ejaculated, but found that he could continue intercourse (and have more orgasms later) if his partner just squeezed tightly with her PC muscle, holding for fifteen to twenty seconds. Again, he was convinced that "anyone can do that. It's fun—and easy."

Will, another subject who has his orgasms that way, does admit that his first orgasm is his best. This is the usual response we get from men who have this pattern. We have found that a man who can control his ejaculation in his earlier orgasms seems to find increased enjoyment in each subsequent orgasm. They build in intensity, just as women's multi-orgasms do.

This is the program to follow:
    1) Exercise as we've described;
    2) Accept sex and masturbation as natural pleasures;
    3) Be willing to relax and enjoy.
If you follow this advice, you'll improve your sexual satisfaction—and that of your partner—very quickly.

From then on, whatever you do will be just that much more icing on the cake.

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