Chapter X
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We've seen women who truly wanted to help their partners become more effective sexually—women who care that much. If you're one of the lucky men who has a partner who is chafing at the bit, wondering when—and if—she'll be able to help you to your goal of being multi-orgasmic, don't keep her out of your exercises.
A willing, loving partner can be very helpful, as we have shown in some of the past case histories. A woman can perform the squeeze technique as effectively as can a man, if he is comfortable having her do it, and if she wants to.
For some men, this cooperative method of working is another alternative that is most attractive. These men, who are usually strongly opposed to masturbation, do not object to this form of manual manipulation. They feel that it's more akin to "normal" sexual behavior, since the touching is being done by another. We certainly approve, especially if this technique works for them.
However, in order to clarify things, let us repeat something we've said before. The PC exercises and the masturbation exercises can both be done without a partner. It's important that a single man understand this. In fact, we suggest that the exercises specifically designed for the male be done when he's alone, even if he has a loving partner, as long as he's comfortable with masturbation. These exercises seem to be mastered far quicker when he can concentrate on them.
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What we're going to talk about now are nondemand exercises that were first introduced by Masters and Johnson. These are specifically designed to encourage a man and woman to feel comfortable together, and to encourage relaxation. Specific nondemand exercises are described and depicted in Masters and Johnson, Human Sexual Inadequacy, and in Hartman and Fithian, Treatment of Sexual Dysfunction. The former is available in most bookstores and the latter could be ordered from the address given below*.
* The Center for Marital and Sexual Studies had produced a film entitled Multi-Orgasmic Male. It was available for sale or rent for professional use only. The book Treatment of Sexual Dysfunction by William E. Hartman and Marilyn A. Fithian is also available.
Inquiries for film or book were addressed to:
Center for Marital and Sexual Studies 5199 East Pacific Coast Highway, Suite 503 Long Beach, California 90804
The Body Caress
Relaxation is the key to any kind of learning. It is even more important when your goal is to become multi-orgasmic. The exercises we will speak of next are very relaxing for both of you. You will touch each others' bodies with eyes closed, sending warm messages of love through touch alone. No talking should be done. Talking is mental; you are to communicate with your bodies, not your voices.
We suggest the following procedure:
1. Start with a "warm-up." Using your fingers, and touching very lightly, stroke your partner's body all over. Change roles every once in a while, so neither of you tires.
2. Start with the back of the body, making certain that you touch every inch of skin before your partner turns over.
3. When you caress the front of the body, don't concentrate on the genitals. Right now, you just want to share the pleasure of being touched and of touching.
4. Keep this up for at least two hours. This way each partner will have, at a minimum, a full hour of being caressed. If that seems like a long time, consider this: How long has it been since you received that much pleasure from anyone? Maybe you never have before. We all like to be petted. We want to be certain that you continue this step until you both feel very, very loved.
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After two hours of caressing, you will both be ready for the next step.
Nondemand Pleasuring
Now one of you will provide what we call "nondemand pleasuring" for from ten to fifteen minutes. At the end of that time, switch roles. If you both enjoyed what happened, repeat the process. If you want, repeat it again. Do the entire sequence of caressing and pleasuring two or three times a week. Use it as foreplay—or let it be something you do just for the pleasure it gives you both. Whatever you decide, don't let yourself get into a rut. Body caressing or nondemand pleasuring should not be locked in as foreplay. If it is, one or the other of you may find it too demanding, and hesitate to continue with it.
Basically, what we're saying is that you should be very clear about your objectives each time you start this activity. Is your goal to become multi-orgasmic? Then say that at the outset. Are you just looking for a good "opening" for sex? Put your cards on the table, and give your partner an opportunity to say no. Don't start what is supposed to be body caress or nondemand pleasuring and then accuse your partner of being a "prick teaser" if she wants to stop without having intercourse. That isn't fair.
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Nondemand Pleasuring |
The best position for you and your partner to be in when you are being pleasured is as follows:
1. She should sit on the bed with her back against the headboard. She can use a pillow behind her for extra comfort. Her legs should be separated, as far apart as is comfortable.
2. You lie on your back with your legs over hers at the thigh area, with your pelvis in what would be her lap were her legs together.
3. Close your eyes and relax.
4. Your partner should stroke your inner thighs and up over your scrotum, testicles, and penis, clear up to your navel.
5. After caressing your abdomen gently, she should move back to your knees and repeat the stroking.
6. If you feel yourself getting close to ejaculation, have your partner do the squeeze. (Remember, this is usually done with the thumb and the two fingers opposite each other, near the base of the head of your penis. She should squeeze as tightly as possible without hurting you.) This will reverse the urge to ejaculate. While she is doing this, you can also tighten your pelvic muscles. This will train you to stop the ejaculation by yourself.
7. After fifteen or twenty seconds of squeezing, your partner can resume the caressing, continuing it until you once more feel the need to ejaculate.
8. The object is for you to go for fifteen to twenty minutes with a good erection (50 percent or more) without needing to squeeze and without ejaculating. It may take a number of practice periods before you reach this point.
9. Once you have gone for the required period without feeling the need to ejaculate, then try to get closer to orgasm than you have before (when you first used the squeeze technique), just as we described in Chapter Eight. Your goal is to be able to let yourself have the orgasm without permitting the ejaculation.
10. Keep working on getting closer and closer to the point of "ejaculatory inevitability" until you actually "slip over" while holding back ejaculation with the squeeze and have a "dry orgasm."
11. Don't give up. Be sure that you show your partner how much you appreciate what she's doing. There's no doubt that she'll benefit when you reach your goal, but remember, she might be involved at this point only because you won't (or can't) touch yourself.
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Sexual Caress |
Working Together
When a man masturbates and uses the squeeze technique, he can tell more exactly when to squeeze. After all, he's the one feeling the body changes. When you ask your partner to do the squeezing, you have to let her know in time that you are approaching that important moment.
Her fingers will be just the opposite of yours when you do it. Her thumb will be on the frenum (underside of penis below head) and her first two fingers on either side of the coronal ridge. Or in the case of hypospadias, she can use the thumb and fingers in the same way just below the urethral opening toward the bottom of the shaft.
Now we all know that it's hard to communicate in the best of situations, so we'd better get a few things clear.
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1. Many men think they know when ejaculatory inevitability takes place, but they really don't. If you feel your partner has bad timing, consider that you might not be giving her the right cues. Be patient. You're both going to be trying to do your best. Whatever you do, don't let yourself get angry if she misses the moment and you ejaculate.
2. If this happens, take a breather and start again. But try a different technique. You'll recognize it from an earlier chapter. As soon as you are erect again, she should squeeze, holding it for the required fifteen to twenty seconds. Then she should resume the stroking. She should keep this up, gradually extending the time between squeezes, until you are going for fifteen minutes without ejaculating. (This may mean that she has "squeezed" a number of times, and has stopped you from ejaculating more than once.)
3. Now try to go longer between the squeezes. You're trying to get to where both you and your partner can recognize the changes that take place as you approach ejaculatory inevitability. When you reach that goal, you'll be close to the time when you can hold in the ejaculate by squeezing (either you, with your pelvic muscles, or your partner, with her fingers), and still have the experience of an orgasm.
4. When you're through exercising for the day (or afternoon or evening) you may, if you both wish, have intercourse. Or you can just let your erection subside. We suggest that you vary the way you end things, so there never comes a time when the exercise is tied to what follows it.
5. Remember: An erection is desirable for this exercise, but it isn't essential. Two of the men in our multi-orgasmic research were impotent.
6. Eventually, you want to be able to go for the entire fifteen-to-twenty-minute period without having to squeeze at all. That may take some time. However, it is important. Multiple orgasms take time to develop. Be patient with yourself, as well as with your partner.
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Once you learn to be multi-orgasmic, you may find that your orgasms start soon after stimulation begins. That's okay; they'll continue for longer periods, and you'll have more than one.
A few more bits of advice:
1. Don't try to work on everything at once. Begin by strengthening your PC muscles. When they're in good condition, then start learning how to stop ejaculation. Don't worry if you fail many times—and don't expect to immediately slide into having "dry" orgasms.
2. Remember that sex should be fun, even when you're learning a new skill. Take things lightly. Don't let yourself feel frustrated if you seem to be getting nowhere for a while. Set one goal, and don't move to the next until you have reached it.
3. When you can stop ejaculating almost every time, then you can move on to the next step. Set goals, but don't ever set a time limit for yourself. If you take one week or one year, it doesn't matter. You'll give up too soon if you forget to have fun along the way.
Consider the possibility that you may not be willing to exert yourself enough to ever become multi-orgasmic. We never said the path was easy. But if you try some of these exercises, both alone and with your partner, you will add variety to your sex lives. And that will be good, too. One wonderful thing about sex: There is no one "right" way to enjoy it.
Getting—and Keeping—It Up
If you've had problems getting erections, your first goal, understandably, will be to develop one. Maybe you know what your problem has been. If it's physiological, then it's probable that no amount of exercising will help. Just remember that this need not stop you from learning to be multi-orgasmic.
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Whatever the cause of impotence, it never hurts to try to get an erection, as long as you keep things in perspective. Just do the stimulation exercises regularly, two or three times a week for three weeks. If you are ever going to get an erection, there should be some signs of it by then. You might not have more than a 2 or 3 on a scale of 10, but if you have any response it means that the capability is there.
Usually six weeks of pleasuring such as we described in the beginning of this chapter combined with at least fifty pelvic exercises a day will produce some kind of erection in a man if he's going to get one at all. He'll usually begin by experiencing some genital sensations that, as the weeks progress, will increase until he can get at least a 50 percent erection during pleasuring. That's enough for penetration. In fact, you can insert your penis into a vagina without any erection at all.
If you've never had problems getting an erection, then you can start by trying to slow down your "ejaculatory response." In our work with over a thousand cases, we've found that if a man can learn to go for fifteen to twenty minutes during masturbation or pleasuring, he can go as long as he wants to during intercourse. That period (fifteen to twenty minutes) seems to be critical. Once you've passed it, you have control. It's that simple.
Only, of course, it isn't really simple at all. It sounds far easier than it is. You'll have to practice, exert effort, and be patient. Just remember that many others have succeeded through diligent practice. And it does take practice. In modern terminology, this requires a "hands-on" repetition. It won't be enough if you mentally understand what is supposed to happen. You must experience it yourself.
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You must also believe that you can do it. You need to establish a mind set that recognizes your need for control and that doesn't question whether you will—or can— achieve your goal. Put doubts behind you. The more positive your mind set, the more sure your success.
Whether you have an easy or difficult time achieving an erection, you will probably agree that keeping it is another matter. Often, the only problem is one of mind and sensate focus. Most men have worries that often beset them when they have an erection: "Will I keep it long enough?" "Is it big enough?" "Will I function to her satisfaction?"
There are many questions that can interrupt a man's concentration of sexual pleasure. Every one serves to detract from the feelings of arousal that are necessary for an erection to remain hard. If you want to strengthen your erections, learn to concentrate your attention on the pleasure of sex. Learn to be selfish, to take pleasure for yourself as well as to give it. If you don't, you may find that you have little to give. After all, if your mind is wandering off, you can hardly please a partner.
Get involved in the sex you are having. Take pleasure in what is happening to you. This is the best reason for diligent exercise in the various techniques for extending your erection. If you have done the squeeze technique, or held your testicles down, or tightened your pelvic muscles so often that the actions are second nature to you, you'll be able to pay attention to the fun you're having, not to what you should be doing next.
And be prepared for a surprise. Most of our clients who have experienced orgasm without ejaculation have done so as a "bonus" during nondemand pleasuring. You have one advantage over most of them. You know that orgasm can take place without ejaculation. So you can watch for the signs, and be ready to appreciate it when it happens.
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A Few Reminders
Sometimes a retrograde ejaculation (when the semen goes into the bladder and is expelled when you urinate) occurs when you use the squeeze technique. It happens to some men, but not to everyone. It may happen to you during nondemand pleasuring. Like any ejaculation, it results in a temporary loss of erection. Don't be concerned; continue the pleasuring anyway.
Another thing that may be of concern to some men looks bad, and may frighten you if it happens to you. To explain it, we must back up a bit.
It isn't uncommon, during intercourse, for a small capillary to break in the penis, sometimes just as ejaculation occurs. Of course, during intercourse the penis is inside the vagina, so no one notices, since there isn't much blood. But when you're pleasuring yourself with a partner you may ejaculate "in the open," so to speak, and then that tiny bit of blood could be frightening. If it happens once, and then never again, you have no need to worry. But if there is blood in your ejaculate on a regular basis, then you should see a doctor.
Even then, don't jump to conclusions. You may simply have fragile capillaries, which would lead your doctor to suggest that you should not try for multi-orgasms—or even indulge in long-term pleasuring. If he gives you that advice, take it.
Don't let this comment turn you off trying to become multi-orgasmic. This condition is very, very rare.
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Balancing the Fun
If you're going to ask your partner to contribute to your practice, you should recognize her need for pleasure, too. We'll give you some suggestions that will equalize the pleasure for you both. Masters and Johnson have suggested one position; we have discovered another that works well. You can choose whichever one pleases your partner—and you— the most.
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1. The male sits with his back against the headboard of a bed or against the wall, his legs widely separated.
2. The woman sits with her back to him, close against his body, with her legs over his, crossing at the ankle.
3. In this position, the man reaches over his partner, caressing her from her breasts to her vagina, giving her body gentle, nondemanding pleasure.
4. As with male nondemand pleasuring, there should be no requirement that intercourse follows the caressing— but it may, occasionally, if you both want it.
We have found that some of our clients can't use this position because the woman is too tall, her buttocks may be too large, or she may be too heavy. (Or both the man and woman may be heavy.) If it works for you, that's fine. Just remember to take it easy and be gentle, slow, and light with your touch.
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Vaginal Caress |
THE VAGINAL CARESS
The technique we find most successful we developed a number of years ago, when we found that many of our clients had difficulty with the back-to-chest position. Our position seems to work especially well if we're trying to help the woman achieve orgasm during intercourse. It works as follows:
1. The man sits as described in the previous technique, leaning against the wall or the head of a bed.
2. The woman lies on her back with her genitalia close to his and her legs over his legs.
3. The man then caresses the woman's body, paying special attention to the mons (pubic mound) and the clitoris. But he doesn't only touch her there. He strokes her stomach, and down to her knees as well.
4. The man can put a lubricant on his index finger and insert it into the vagina beginning with the fleshy part of his finger up, and his finger straight (unbent), under the clitoris. He should move his finger very slowly but firmly in and out. Then he should gradually and gently change the angle of contact, so he touches all walls of the vagina with the fleshy part of the fingertip, paying attention to where his partner most enjoys to be touched. The fingernails should be trimmed closely, and be clean and smooth before this is tried.
5. The woman should tell her partner if she wants a firmer or lighter touch inside her vagina. Many women have to learn to recognize vaginal pleasuring, since they've never had such stroking done before.
6. If you consider that you (the man) are sitting facing a "vaginal clock," you may think of your partner's clitoris as being twelve o'clock. Several inches inside that point is where the Grafenberg spot (G-spot) is said to be located. Some women find this area particularly sensitive to pleasure. Others dislike stimulation in this area.
7. We find that what could be called four and eight o'clock on the lower right and left walls of the vagina are often very sensitive areas in many women.
These areas are about two finger joints in depth in vagina. Nerve bundles come together at these two points, and stimulation there results in intense sexual reactions in a large number of women.
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Vaginal Clock |
If your partner is not responsive when you first try these caresses, don't despair. Many women consider their vaginas to be sexually "neutral," since they haven't been stimulated enough to develop responses.
Vaginal exercises not only produce positive sexual response and contribute to sensory perception, elimination of pain during intercourse, but also toward better bladder control, and easier expression of fecal material in the female. Both areas are important since we encounter women who are embarrassed by loss of urine during coital activities, (this is differentiated from profuse vaginal lubrication which some women experience), and the problem of constipation where the penis hits the fecal material in the lower bowel often causing discomfort for both partners as well as forcing the penis to ride high in the vagina away from any contact with the sexual segments at 4:00 and 8:00 o'clock.
We use the exercises, as we have said, to help non-orgasmic women reach orgasm during intercourse. That is the goal of the nondemand touching, too. Even if your partner has orgasms regularly, she can benefit from more caressing.
After all, who can possibly object to being touched in a loving manner?
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There is one point to remember, whichever method you choose: You're doing this to balance the pleasure she gives you during your practice periods. Alternate roles. You pleasure her for a while (about fifteen minutes) and then let her pleasure you. Repeat the pleasuring, if you wish. Just remember your reason for doing it. Everything sexual should be enjoyable—never a task you hurry to complete.
When a couple realizes that male multi-orgasm is a possibility, they seem to include it in their thoughts as they exercise. As a result, about a dozen male clients have reported becoming multi-orgasmic during treatment for other sexual problems. In our therapy we don't observe or record clients in nondemand or coitus, and thus we have no observation tapes or charts of their function, but we have had a number of them express their pleasure in their improved sexual response and lovemaking skills.
Tom is one example. He was twenty-six years old when he came to us. His wife was twenty-three. They sought out help because of Sally's frustration.
"Tom never goes more than thirty seconds during intercourse," she explained. "I love him very much, but I know it's beginning to get to me."
Tom agreed. He recognized that if he couldn't change, she would eventually get "fed up," and leave. They both had a certain feeling of desperation regarding the matter, even though she was still quite willing to put up with his quick response.
A second problem had delayed their coming to us. They were newlyweds, and the cost of therapy seemed astronomical. They left after one interview without making a commitment. A few days later, they returned and made a date for a first session.
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"We've just decided that this is something that'll affect our whole life together. Nothing's more important, no matter how much it costs." They were even willing to delay buying a new car and a house in order to get their sex life "on target."
Tom was one of our subjects who, in the course of learning the squeeze technique, found himself developing multi-orgasmic abilities. By the end of his treatment, he was going thirty minutes without ejaculating. He would have several "dry" orgasms in that period, and his wife was now having orgasms for the first time during intercourse.
We asked this couple to evaluate their treatment on a scale from 0 to 100. They both agreed that it rated a 150. "We achieved so much more than we expected," they explained, "and we feel so much closer than we did before."
They voiced feelings that some of our other clients have difficulty expressing. Sam, for example, merely mentioned his new competence in a report we requested on the success of the daily assignments we had set for him. After giving the rating for the day and the rest of the report, he added, "Oh, by the way, I had multiple orgasms today." He was a man of few words, and that was probably the longest spontaneous statement he made during his entire treatment program. He and his wife had been married about twenty years (he was forty), and he was obviously pleased, as was she, with his new ability.
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