Yates. Chapter 7. Enriching the Child's Sexual Response
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Child development is like building a house. The basement is the most important, especially the cornerstones of the foundation. If this is well built, the structure resists stresses and strains, withstanding most environmental forces. Conversely, a minor defect in the foundation can cause continuing or recurrent problems.

Problems that would be inconsequential in an adult can permanently cripple the fetus or infant. For instance, a virus, an X ray, or a slight oxygen deficit in the unborn child can cause abortion, stillbirth, congenital defects, retardation, symptoms of hyperactivity, or autism. (Pasamanick, 1972; Knobloch, 1975) Less than optimal oxygen in the newborn can impair the organizational and perceptual functions of the brain for the rest of the child's life. Yet these same insults are of little or no consequence in the older child or adult. The younger the organism, the more vulnerable it is.

The crucial shifts in emotional growth occur early also. We are just beginning to recognize the tremendous import of the first few months of life, when each child demonstrates a characteristic feeling state. One infant is cranky, while another is placid. Colic, circumstance, the mother's ability to respond, and heredity all contribute to this emotional attitude which eventually colors the child's outlook on life. The irritable, upset infant may later perceive the world as frustrating, unpredictable, or threatening. His mother's ability to accept his body unconditionally and accurately sense his needs must certainly mediate toward a happier view of the world. A mother who rocks, soothes, and is sensitive to the infant's needs gives him every opportunity to develop a positive feeling state.

The older infant and the child must solve a series of problems. They must learn to relate to others, control them selves, and establish independence. Certain challenges arise at certain times as a function of growth itself. For instance, the infant who can't even crawl doesn't need to control his actions. But the toddler who can pull open drawers and climb out of his crib does need to control himself. The child who is capable of attending school must emerge from the protected home environment and make friends his own age. Movement from one stage to the next depends upon the child's abilities, adequate solutions to earlier problems, and parental support and guidance.

The sex drive is part of the child. It moves through well-defined stages too. Eleven-month-old Abby is beginning to navigate. Propelling herself enthusiastically toward a toy, she hits her head on a table. An agonized wail summons her father, who cuddles and soothes her. In his embrace she feels warm and sexy. Just seven months later Abby is an opinionated woman of the world. She refuses aid and haughtily declines her father's lap. Instead, she grasps her baby pillow firmly between her thighs and rubs until satisfied. Various questions such as "Why don't girls have a penis?" or "Is it all right to marry Mommy?" are characteristic of certain ages. The child needs to resolve each issue in turn in order to realize his full erotic potential. Feelings of inadequacy, shame, or resentment interfere with a favorable solution on any level. The focus of the child's eroticism also evolves in a predictable sequence. First it's the mother's breast, then the mother's face and entire body. Later it's father, a teddy bear, and other children. Next comes the little girl down the block, a teacher, a best chum, and finally appropriate members of the opposite sex. Horizons widen as the child grows.

Impairment at any developmental level has its effect; the earlier the impairment the greater the damage. For instance, the girl who never developed an erotic interest in her mother is hampered in forming sexual attachments to her playmates, or a pleasure bond with her husband. The twelve-year-old boy with a firm erotic foundation who is secretly enamored of his teacher is only temporarily shaken when she rejects his clumsy overtures. The foundation for the adult sexual response is well established in the first six years of life.

Our cat has four kittens. One spits, claws, and scrambles up the cardboard litter box. She dashes across the kitchen floor and hides behind the refrigerator. A second kitten likes to be held and mews when he hears the children. Two others eat, sleep, and play with one another. Mama cat seems to love them all — why are they so different? Kittens and children are a heterogeneous lot, each with certain innate qualities, or temperament. The child's temperament consists of certain well-defined, relatively stable attributes which have been traced from infancy by researchers such as Stella Chess. She describes nine components to temperament such as adaptability, intensity of reaction, and distractibility. Altogether these nine elements determine whether the child will be easy or difficult to handle under most circumstances. Difficult children require skillful guidance, as any nursery school teacher can attest. Most parents do well with an easy, tractable child, while most are exasperated by a moody, resistant, difficult child. Both the child's temperament and the parents' adaptation to it influence the development of the erotic response, as the following cases illustrate.

Carrie and Hank

In an effort to sustain their faltering marriage, the Andersons produced two children in three years. Helen Anderson described her first pregnancy as one continuous evacuation due to an impossible combination of morning sickness and diarrhea. Carrie was born with high forceps after twenty-six hours of hard labor. She arrived "screeching like a banshee" and stained olive green by meconium (fetal stool discharged before birth). When her father first saw her in the hospital nursery, she squalled while other babies slept. Carrie's first year was marked by intermittent colic that abated in time for teething to begin. Nothing worked for long. Helen felt helpless and exhausted. She suspected her husband, Burt, of having an affair.

When Carrie was fourteen months old she was more manageable, although still moody and easily upset. Helen and Burt were learning to communicate through marriage counseling, and Burt spent more time at home. Several months later, Helen again became pregnant. She was pleasantly surprised when her nausea abated after the first two months. At eight months she remarked that this infant was gentle compared to Carrie. Labor lasted only six hours and the birth was rapid and uncomplicated. Hank cried briefly after delivery, then yawned and blinked as he was bundled off to the nursery. Thereafter, he ate and slept at regular intervals.

The next two years were turbulent. Violent quarrels and Burt's unpredictable absences heralded the end of the marriage. When Helen upbraided Burt, Carrie ran through the house screaming, "I hate you," while Hank slept soundly in his bed. Helen and Burt finally separated when Carrie was almost five and Hank was two. Although Carrie had never been close to her father, she sobbed uncontrollably when he moved to a distant city.

Helen and the children went to live with Helen's parents. Shortly thereafter Helen was hospitalized for depression. Carrie began cruising her grandmother's house in the middle of the night. She wet the bed, picked at her food, and complained that no one liked her. Finally the grandmother sent both children to live with an aunt. The grandmother described Carrie as "a handful" but said that Hank always minded. The only time she had spoken sharply to Hank was once when she found him playing with himself.

By the time Carrie was seven, the mother had recovered from her depression, completed business college, and was employed as a secretary. She and the children were living in a comfortable bungalow near an excellent elementary school. However, Carrie disliked the school, had few friends, and refused to walk there alone. Hank skipped all the way to kindergarten, where he was in charge of feeding the hamsters. After school he visited a retired cabinetmaker who lived nearby. "Uncle Ben" repaired his toys and shared his lunch. Even after the confrontation with his grandmother, Hank continued to masturbate at night.

Burt visited the children every six months. Carrie vacillated between excitement and tears. She demanded his attention and scolded him for being late. Hank looked forward to his father's visits and placidly accepted his departure.

When Carrie was nine she was treated at a mental health center for anxiety and school phobia. The therapist discovered that Carrie had assumed that her father left the family because she was a bad girl. She tried and tried to be good, but something always went haywire. She inevitably said the wrong thing when she was upset. She had avoided any sex play because that was part of being bad. She knew that Hank did things like that, but he was "always good, anyway."

Carrie was a difficult child. Even under the best of circumstances, she would have presented problems. Her moodiness and hasty reactions contributed to continual upset. Hank's early experiences were just as frightening, but he was admirably equipped to cope with stress.

Difficult children don't always have emotional problems. The majority grow to be happy, stable individuals who understand and deal with their own uncertainties. In large part this is possible because of flexible, reasonable parents who provide both warmth and guidance to very special children.

Michelle

Michelle was the third of five children. Her mother waggishly described her as a "holy terror" from the time of birth. At age eighteen months she was impossible. Rambunctious and obstinate, she was gleeful or grumpy. Reasonable discipline provoked fits of screaming. Her mother finally controlled her either by diverting her attention or by holding Michelle immobile on her lap. Although the mother toilet-trained the other children at thirteen months she delayed Michelle's training until age two. Then Michelle understood easily but complied only sporadically. At age twenty-six months Michelle produced a large bowel movement while sitting on the lap of the vice-president of her father's company. Although her mother was furious, she merely apologized and whisked Michelle off to the toilet.

Finally toilet-trained at two and a half, Michelle was placed with a baby-sitter four days a week while her mother studied at a nearby university. Mrs. Grey, the sitter, had been well recommended. Her house was tranquil and neat, even when she cared for six active preschool youngsters. She insisted that the children pick up their toys, learn their manners, and speak quietly without interrupting adults. After several weeks at Mrs. Grey's, Michelle listened closely to her mother's instructions also. Yet she seemed sullen and irritable. Mother spoke to other parents who employed Mrs. Grey. They reported many benefits and no emotional problems.

After two months, Michelle was worse. She seldom smiled and no longer asked to be taken to the park. Mother decided to visit Mrs. Grey's for a half-day session. Within the first hour it was evident that Mrs. Grey had a mission to train children correctly. She adhered to a rigid schedule and was quick to cite any infraction. Her voice revealed intense anger at an insubordinate child. Obedient children were plied with cookies, stories, and play materials, while disobedient youngsters sat in the corner.

Over coffee, Mrs. Grey listed her child-rearing principles. Any improper behavior was due to the parents' laziness or stupidity. Michelle had "come around" pretty well and Mrs. Grey gave pointers on how to maintain that improvement at home. No child in her charge had ever shown any interest in sex except one little boy from a "dirty family." Since his mother was divorced, he must have been seeing "bad things" at night, which caused him to cradle his crotch whenever Mrs. Grey sat him in the comer. The more Mrs. Grey scolded him, the firmer his grip became. Finally, she told his mother to take him elsewhere — her only failure in fifteen years.

Michelle was transferred to a day-care center. After two weeks she was so enthusiastic that she forgot to kiss her mother good-bye. She was again an impulsive, distractible, but often delightful child. At home she once more played with the older children and tested every household rule.

When company arrived, Michelle knew that her parents couldn't pay much heed to her. Her favorite trick was to wander nude through the living room. She delighted in the guests' bemused stares and her parents' embarrassment. Expecting that Michelle would grow out of it, her mother paid no attention. Michelle undressed faster, more frequently, and embellished her performance with grotesque postures, protruding her bottom toward the guests. Exasperated beyond permissiveness, her father marched Michelle to the bedroom and forbade her reentrance until she was both clothed and polite. A subdued Michelle reappeared in time for dinner. Several days later her mother suggested a Saturday morning play session where Michelle and a four-year-old neighbor boy could romp naked in the backyard under the lawn sprinkler and smear one another with mud. When the two were utterly exhausted she hosed them down and returned their clothes.

Although Michelle had made good progress in kindergarten, her teacher wondered if she were mature enough for first grade. She promoted Michelle on the strength of the first-grade teacher who had dealt successfully with other difficult children. Michelle did surprisingly well. Although still moody and easily upset, she was in the top reading group and had several close friends.

Michelle was a difficult child blessed with sensible parents, who individualized their approach to suit Michelle's temperament. Michelle required greater patience and empathy than the other children. Her parents adjusted their expectations and protected her from situations which she was unable to handle. They helped her to control her own behavior without forfeiting spontaneity or pleasure.

Difficult children are likely to have problems, including sexual conflicts. Even easy children encounter major hurdles such as illness, divorce, or irresponsible parenting. Some teachers are rigid and some children hyperactive. Some parents are trauma for children, and some children are trauma for parents. How can the sex drive survive? If, in spite of all vicissitudes, the child perceives his genitals as pretty and pleasing in the first six years of life, his sexual response will remain healthy in spite of other, sometimes serious, emotional problems.

The next four chapters are devoted to developing the child's erotic foundation.

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