Yates. Chapter 7. Enriching the Child's Sexual Response
<< Infant Stimulation Revisited >>

The mother of four-month-old infant sighs, "It certainly will be nice when she can do more things." In fact, the infant under six months is doing a great deal. The brain expands at a phenomenal rate, becoming infinitely more complex as the baby makes sense out of no sense. Leboyer was the first to emphasize the importance of an early erotic experience. A gentle delivery, warmth, support — even music — can promote eroticism at any age. The infant smiles — and for good reason. Pleasant feelings differentiate later to become genital sensations and a need to be close.

How can parents help this process along at home? Most mothers and fathers instinctively handle the young infant with care. In this culture the mother serves as the primary parent, although fathers could fulfill the role just as well. Yet even concerned, responsible parents differ vastly in parenting style. One mother mechanically slaps on a fresh diaper while gossiping on the telephone, the receiver pinched precariously between shoulder and cheek. Another babbles to her three-month-old, knowing full well the baby can't understand. A third combs her infant's hair, and carefully places a bow on the topmost wisp. A fourth wraps hers like five pounds of salami and bundles him off to the sitter's. Her handling is abrupt and very firm. As she rushes toward a deadline, she may smell different also. Each of these infants receives a characteristic pattern of stimulation, and comes to perceive the world in different terms. Impersonal mothers yield children who don't get too close. Frighteningly efficient mothers may produce bumbling youngsters. Mothers who parade their best-dressed children in order to be praised rear offspring who value appearance. Mothers who are erotically involved with their infants raise sexy children.

Erotic parenting means the time and ability both to give and receive pleasure from the infant. This includes the attainment of body intimacy, which means the acceptance and enjoyment of all the infant's bodily functions and products. Sexual strivings must be recognized and encouraged, just like any other vital function. To do this the parent must first welcome the child as a sensual being. The parent who nuzzles, cuddles, and rubs not only soothes the infant and promotes an attachment but also develops the child's erotic potential. The application of delicately scented and delightfully creamy lotions to the genitals isn't just for hygiene or, as the label indicates, to protect against harmful bacteria. Lotions and oils are highly sensuous and the genital contact distinctly erotic.

What difference does it make anyway to call a spade a spade? After all, good mothers have always patted and powdered the penis and swabbed the clitoris. Haven't children always received sexual stimulation? They have indee — along with many a mixed message. One mother rubs away until an erection occurs — then she avoids the penis and pins on the diaper. A father blows bubbles in his son's navel until the ecstatic infant produces an erection. The father stops. When a six-month-old pushes her rubber ducky into her crotch, the plug is plucked from the tub and she's swept off in a towel. Genital contact is strictly in the service of hygiene, indeed an asexual concept.

The term "infant stimulation" illustrates our need to see babies as asexual beings. "Adult stimulation" immediately brings to mind erotic movies or secluded trysts. An erotic device, the vibrator, is known as a "stimulator." A thousand coital accouterments are to "enhance stimulation" and sex manuals expound on stimulation techniques. Not so "infant stimulation," which is a nationwide, well-funded program designed to promote the baby's cognitive skills. The infant is provided with toys to manipulate and crib mobiles to develop eye-hand coordination. The focus is everywhere except on the genitals. Applied to infants, "stimulation" becomes a term devoid of any erotic connotation.

Body intimacy is the key to earliest erotic development. At no time is the individual more open to feel or less inclined to censure than in infancy. The baby's whole body is a sexual organ. The joy of being held and caressed is fully appreciated in the first year of life. The kinesthetic delight of being swooped up in a parent's arms is learned and may later be revisited by making love on a swing. The free palm of the suckling infant which massages the other nipple, or a button on mother's blouse, contributes to the worldwide significance of a fingertip placed in the palm of a hand. The infant who inhales its mother's smell while lustily nursing is paving the way for what the French recognize as the greatest of all erotic enhancements — the scent of a beloved.

There are certain exercises that enrich the experience of body intimacy — for both mother and child. These are designed for use in the first six months of life. The first exercise may be begun on the delivery table, if the mother is alert, without pain, and has chosen an empathic obstetrician. The father can also share in the experience. This is the time to claim, acknowledge, and begin to enjoy an amazing, if often perplexing, being. A Tahitian mother first sniffs her newborn, and a mother even in our aseptic culture can distinguish her infant in the nursery by smell. At first your baby's scent is mixed with yours and a smorgasbord of other odors: the amniotic fluid, perhaps meconium, and all the Zephiran and alcohols of the delivery room. Altogether, a stimulating and highly erotic mixture. After catching his scent, touch the silken skin, gaze into his eyes, and enfold the tiny form in your own natural curve. Skin-to-skin contact is highly desirable, but sometimes inconvenient in the delivery room. You may taste your infant also. He's a bit salty, and not at all unpleasant. Unfortunately, both the smell and taste of birth are soon to be swallowed forever by a sudsy ablution in the nursery. Another article may vanish also — the foreskin. Some mothers who have borne several boys have never seen an uncircumcised penis because the operation is performed before the baby leaves the delivery room. So check all the vital parts.

Occasionally, a mother finds the baby's smell unpleasant or even disgusting. This is a danger signal which, if unresolved, severely limits the pleasure she can receive from her infant. In turn, this restricts the erotic and other joys that the infant gains from her. Closeness with another is impossible if the other smells bad. If the scent seems dirty, the mother is likely confusing sex and dirt. Sometimes a new mother who is frightened, drugged, or in pain is unable to perceive anything pleasurable. Another may experience the smell as unpleasant because she isn't prepared for the dramatic and irrevocable changes which motherhood conveys. It's a favorable sign if, after a day or so, the baby begins to smell pleasant.

Mothers on the delivery table who have the chance but avoid looking at the penis or clitoris are dealing with significant sexual inhibitions. Often such mothers say, "They'd think I was crazy" or "They told me it was a girl so I didn't need to check." In truth, they're embarrassed. They can easily claim and enjoy the other ninety-five percent — but the penis? Many a new mother carefully counts fingers and toes but leaves a more valuable appendage unowned and dark within the blanket. Mothers who retreat from the sight of infant genitals need to pay close attention to the next exercise.

There's time to concentrate at the first feeding. By now, the mother is comfortable and ready to assess not only the baby, but her own reactions. Unwrap your newborn and remove the diaper. The umbilical stump may seem bloody or black, but no matter. Look at the arms, the legs, the belly, and the genitals. All deserve careful attention. The clitoris may be hidden or covered with a mucous jelly. Two fingers spread the labia to reveal the contours. The newborn girl is still affected by your hormones so that the labia are flushed and the clitoris enlarged and glistening. Can you touch it? Is it any the less important or more frightening than the rest of the body? If your little boy has an erection can you gaze at it and feel proud? Is this the same pride you feel when he roots for the nipple, connects, and lustily sucks? Aren't both faculties valuable? Does his penis match your expectations? Is it bigger or smaller than anticipated? If the penis is uncircumcised slide back the foreskin to reveal the glans. In Mangaia, the circumcised penis is described as "having no hat." In effect, when you pull back the foreskin, you remove the hat to reveal the rosy-tipped, smooth, and shiny glans. Are you reluctant to touch it? Some mothers are so frightened that they never retract the foreskin. Eventually it adheres to the glans and often becomes infected.

Parents who avoid looking at, touching, and approving of the infant's penis or clitoris are also limited in relishing and encouraging their mate's sexuality. It's not only mothers who are constrained. During the hundreds of births in which I either officiated or observed, fathers were often present in the delivery room. Not once did a father initiate the checking and claiming process, although many mothers did. Neither mothers nor fathers closely examined a baby girl's clitoris, although I suspect some mothers did so later.

More advanced exercises involve your reactions to your infant's secretions. The first stools are composed of meconium — gray, green, and greasy like Kipling's Limpopo River. The majority of mothers gingerly swab it away as an unpleasant but temporary necessity. Smear it, and you'll find the consistency of finger paint with a distinctive and not unpleasant odor. The breast-fed baby's stool isn't difficult to enjoy. It has a flowery scent that adds spice to the diaper change. Body intimacy with your infant is based upon an unqualified acceptance of, and communication with, all of his body and its products. The glistening modicum of saliva or the dab of mucus which slips from the baby girl's vagina are bits of a cherished being, until recently a part of you. Full acceptance of these secretions is the same as the ability to savor your mate's sexual perspiration, semen, and saliva. Reluctance or revulsion in either erotic dimension connotes problems in the other. (Rogawski, 1976) Happily, growth in one also promotes growth in the other. Many a mother who habitually avoids touching her mate's penis is able to relearn after the birth of a son, thus attaining a deeper level of body intimacy in bed. Almost every new mother becomes more comfortable as the months progress. If you begin by changing the diaper with operating room precautions, you may end by unceremoniously scraping the stool from the cloth with one hand and flipping it in the toilet.

It's true that no human mother achieves the intimacy with her infant that a mother dog accomplishes with her pups. She licks, sniffs, and lies for hours while they suckle or sleep nestled next to her skin. She often eats the placenta and routinely cleanses the genitals with her tongue. Yet the attainment of body intimacy in the human is based upon the same five senses: hearing, seeing, touching, smelling, and tasting. Of these, the latter three, the near receptors, are the most primitive and meaningful, for they entail closeness or body contact. Yet these are the ones we avoid with cribs, bottles, clothing, high chairs, and propriety — all the accouterments of civilization. Adult eroticism is defended against in the same fashion, by night clothes, deodorants, and aversions to certain forms of foreplay. The prohibitions against watching or listening to another sexually attractive individual are weak compared to the injunctions against touching, smelling, or licking that person. Yet all senses must be involved in total body intimacy. This, in fact, is the only way that the baby comes to value a profusion of stimuli. If infancy passes without an abundance of these intimate sensations, then the sexual response will be limited. Thus all forms of licking, washing, tickling, and sniffing contribute to the growth of the eroticism. The mother who achieves body intimacy also provides her child with solid acceptance. The infant comes to feel valuable, through the experience of unconditional acceptance.

Breast-feeding is a potent gratification, for both mother and child. Rhythmic sucking, scent, warmth, and closeness combine to produce the optimal erotic congress. Genital pleasure is enmeshed in the total experience. Direct genital stimulation occurs as the mother presses the child's hips against her body. Many older infants spontaneously augment this by recurrently flexing their thighs. Anticipatory squirming and wriggling against the bedclothes and the undulations of the mother's body as she breathes, heighten the effect. Erections and vaginal lubrication are common. The mother receives pleasure through the repetitive tugging at her nipple and the tingling when the milk is forcibly ejected. This erotic reciprocity cements her attachment to the baby. Yet few mothers nurse and even fewer permit themselves to savor the experience. An occasional mother will report multiple orgasms and some describe a pervasive tranquillity similar to that which follows good sex. A graduate student compares suckling to a transcendental state of acute awareness where the body's boundaries dissolve. These sensations may be frightening also.

Bottle-feeding diminishes the opportunity to smell, taste, and touch one another; the mother receives less gratification and therefore the infant is more of a burden. Attachment is sometimes impeded. Yet with forethought, a large measure of body intimacy can be achieved. Skin-to-skin contact at feeding is essential, not only for the warmth and touch but because the scent is irreplaceable. Stroking, cuddling, and time to savor each other builds mutual satisfaction. If these suggestions are followed, the bottle-fed infant forfeits little erotic pleasure, although the mother still forgoes a lot. Breastfeed if you can.

Erotic growth in the first six months is based upon passive sensual gratifications. The infant is magnificently receptive, spiritually naked, and immensely vulnerable. Stroking, rubbing, and sucking are central to his existence. He must receive a variety of pleasures if he's to become a fully receptive adult. An adult who hasn't accomplished this or who tries to defend against passive receptive longings is treated in the sex clinic by tasks designed to develop his "sensate foci." He's told to relax completely while his mate rubs, licks, strokes, and nuzzles. He relearns a developmental task of the first half year.

A passive pleasure seldom allowed is for the infant to sleep in skin-to-skin contact with mother. Enveloped by her scent and warmed by her flesh, the baby is supremely stimulated. Instead, infants are put to sleep in cribs or cradles because the baby needs his rest, and because the mother needs time for other chores or because she might roll over and smother him. Perhaps the youngster couldn't easily be "broken" of the habit. These perils are vastly overrated. They arise from various unstated fears, especially that of an erotic involvement with the child. In many other countries, infants always sleep with mothers. They aren't smothered or emotionally warped. Older infants and children do need to individuate from mother. If they're confined and stimulated, harm can result. Not so the infant under six months, whose primary task is to receive fully a spectrum of erotic experiences. The greater the range and complexity, the greater the potential for pleasuring as an adult.

The mother or father who fears smothering the infant can still lie skin-to-skin while listening to music, reading, or simply relaxing. If sleep intervenes the partner can assist by keeping watch.

Next to smell, touch is the cardinal sense of the young infant. As with any other receptor, it's developed only through a diversity of contacts. Touch can be light or firm, tickling or teasing, prickly or tingling, soft or breezy. The infant who experiences touch as only a tight swaddle forfeits the pleasure of delicate manipulations. A fine way to start this exercise is naked, together in the sun. If climate or closeness to neighbors forbids, a fur rug or fuzzy blanket beneath a warm lamp will do. Nuzzling, mouthing, and licking constitute a basic massage, common to all mammalian parents. Tickling and teasing are distinctly human. Apes, monkeys, and some underprivileged humans add grooming and nitpicking (in the literal sense) to the basic armamentarium. Grooming, whether by tongue or washcloth, remains an excellent erotic vehicle. Follow your inspiration, providing for your own pleasure and comfort as well. Intimacy is a process of both giving and receiving. Wallowing in warmth and closeness can be delicious for both. Rub the baby's skin with a rough terry-cloth towel, or slide him across a satin comforter on his belly. Amplify these sensations with a feather duster or blow gently with the warm air of a handheld hair dryer. Eyelashes impart an exquisite tickle and suds or bubbles which pop on the tummy tease and titillate.

Some say that the delights of water are first encountered in the uterus. Perhaps so, but the uterus scarcely provides the diversity of pleasure found in the bath. Warmth, bubbles, and the texture of water all combine to yield an experience second only to nursing at the breast. The infant creates a splash with the least effort, and the greatest sexual organ of all, the skin, is stimulated all over by the towel. A peak occurs as the genitals are soaped, swabbed, and rubbed with a soft cloth. The parent's touch and smile are captured in the total imagery.

The mother who focuses on hygiene as her raison d'être sacrifices a measure of body intimacy. She tests the water temperature with her elbow, immerses the infant, scrubs, rinses, and completes the cycle by plopping her charge in a towel. The pleasure she derives stems from her own efficiency rather than from her infant. She allows her baby no time for passive pleasuring.

Many an infant-grown-up snatches a stereotyped four-minute shower, grabs a towel, and proceeds about his business. As you may suspect, a task at the sex therapy clinic is for the couple to take a leisurely bath together, soaping and rubbing one another with a soft sponge.

As the infant's whole body is a sexual organ, each area needs to develop its full erotic potential. The genitals are ordinarily stimulated, if only under the guise of hygiene. The male infant rapidly learns to anticipate penis pleasure. He parts his hips and gazes at his mother in avid anticipation as she unpins his diaper. By the time the diaper is off, his penis is erect. The female infant reveals her excitement through rapt attention and vaginal lubrication. In contrast, the mother describes the diaper change as her least entrancing chore, a necessary but unpleasant duty. This attitude is reflected in her facial expression, her voice, and the quality of her touch. The stool smells and must promptly be discarded. Another diaper must be pinned in place to avoid an "accident." These anxieties limit the experience of body intimacy, and will, in the second half year, be perceived by the infant as dissatisfaction with his genitals. The assemblyline mother who approaches diapering like Rosie the Riveter not only suppresses eroticism but conveys resentment. Her infant-grown-up may well show an affinity for the bedcovers.

Diapering is prime time for the enhancement of genital eroticism. If the mother can feel pleasure and transmit enthusiasm as she swabs and dabs, the prognosis is excellent. She has at her disposal a myriad of scented lotions, oils, and powder to expand the sensitivity of the entire genital and rectal area. Textures such as cotton, terry cloth, and Baby Wipes provide enrichment.

Millions of infants in this world are reared entirely without diapers. The baby is simply suspended over the dirt by a mother who accurately reads his body cues. Genitals are subject to casual stimulation, such as rubbing against the mother's hip, licking by a friendly puppy, or tweaking by another child. Genital manipulation is often an accepted method to calm an irritable infant. Although statistics aren't available, sexual dysfunction seems far more likely in countries where diapers are employed. Certainly the parent who conceals the baby's genitals beneath a tightly pinned diaper assumes a huge responsibility. This parent becomes the infant's main source of genital pleasuring.

During the first half year, passive pleasures have dominated the scene. A feeling state has been established which will color not only the sex drive, but all other drives as well. The infant has been, and remains, monumentally egocentric, living only for himself. The division between mother and child, outside and inside, is hazy at best. Yet this has been the first golden age of eroticism, of complete and unqualified absorption in pleasuring. With the baby's ability to move about and manipulate toys, passive gratification becomes less prominent in the second half year.

During the second six months the infant develops a separate self and recognizes the parents as distinct individuals. Tears flow when the mother leaves, and there is obvious relief when she returns. The baby can now tolerate minor frustrations without appearing devastated. He can wait to be fed as long as he trusts that his mother won't forget. This favorable expectation is built upon the repetitive, predictable gratifications which the mother has provided in earlier months. Although body contact remains immensely important, the baby can wait to be picked up, rocked, or bathed. A modicum of frustration is healthy, for it helps the child to individuate. Prolonged body contact such as sleeping together is no longer necessary. The infant with a background of pleasure knows what he likes and now begins to seek that which feels good.

Elise is charged with boundless energy as she crawls about the room. She insists on the absolute possession of her mother's lap. She gives little thought to the presence of company as she snatches at her mother's blouse with obvious intent. While sucking, she grasps and releases the other nipple, rubbing the surface until it's fully erect. She's far more of a threat to her mother's sense of propriety than she was just three months before. Fortunately for her mother, Elise has other interests almost as attractive as the breast. Active pleasures like pulling pots out of the cabinet compete for the spotlight.

Since age five months Elise has bounced in a canvas swing suspended from a doorway. Now she has a walker and a rocking horse. These are her favorite toys. They keep her quiet and content for long periods. As she bounces and strains she provides herself with a genital massage. Small wonder she remains enthralled. Now she's able to construct sensation all by herself — a happy event.

Other babies discover different methods. Some little girls rub against a pillow or squeeze thighs together to create erotic feelings. The father becomes a playmate with a bouncy knee. As the world widens, passive pleasures are less enticing. A seven-month-old weans himself from the breast because he can't remain quiet long enough to nurse. He squirms and wriggles until barely satiated, then slides away to pursue the cat.

Parents can aid the acquisition of active pleasures by providing a variety of materials and the opportunity to use them. Time alone without diapers invites genital exploration. Most infants will at least feel their genitals and appear pleased. Those who miss the area in the first session are likely to discover it another time. If the mother is present when the genitals are appreciated, it's important for her to smile and demonstrate approval. Infants who neglect the penis or clitoris completely aren't failures. Each child enjoys a spectrum of unique and appropriate pleasures. More advanced exercises include the provision of large soft or fuzzy dolls and pillows of various shapes. The session can be extended to include play with mud or finger paint in the backyard or tub. If the mother can join in the smearing without concern for dirtying her hair, so much the better.

The infant in the second half year needs to develop reciprocity. In earlier months, the baby has lived within himself, with little understanding of his impact on others. Now the infant knows his mother and can actively return her attentions. A healthy reciprocity is essential for sexual and other relationships.

There are many kinds of reciprocal relationships: The mother demands and the baby acquiesces; he pleads and she nurtures; she cries and he gets angry. The kind of reciprocity which promotes wholesome sex is one of mutual give and take. These simple games for the older infant promote healthy reciprocity. The first is to blow forcefully in a hollow of the infant's skin, as below the neck, under the arm, or into the navel. This results in a flatuslike explosion and a delightful tickle. The infant is encouraged to reciprocate in kind. Don't expect too much, for this is a complicated sequence. Most infants will push or lick the parent and make a noise. Most essential is the parent's reaction — one of exaggerated delight. The infant feels proud and potent, having created pleasure in another, most important, person. Feeding one another is a game which demands the mother's mimicry for full effect. Splashing each other in the bathtub or tickling and scratching one another while lying on the bed are additional exercises. With a little imagination, you can devise a dozen other games.

Separation from the mother is scary for the older infant. The mother has always responded to his needs and soothed his misery before, but now when the door closes, all is over. He's tiny, helpless, and utterly impotent. These feelings are understandable, but if they persist they will inevitably impede his erotic response. The man who feels impotent either fulfills that role or expends enormous energy proving otherwise. The woman who feels impotent gives up easily and is afraid to explore or ask for what she needs. Thus, potency needs to be cultivated from infancy on up, every step of the way. For the infant who's first experiencing separation, games such as "Peek-a-boo" and "Bye-bye" build confidence and provide gratification. In "Bye-bye" the mother waves and pretends to leave. In seconds she reappears to scoop her babe in a giant embrace. Next it's the infant's turn, while the mother asks petulantly, "Where's my baby?" The reunion is equally joyful. "Peek-a-boo" is a simpler version, using the hands or a blanket. Again the infant's active participation is vital. For a moment, the helpless child is transformed into a magician or commanding general-an experience in potency.

Teaching the infant to swim has been in vogue for a number of years. Initially these programs were sold to the public as the stylish acquisition of an essential skill. "You, Mother, can have the only infant on the block to swim twelve feet without taking a breath." Of course these expert tadpoles lost that ability if they didn't continue to swim. They learned again at a later age. The real payoff from infant swimming has nothing to do with skill. A wet, wriggly, naked body, ecstatic in the sensuous delights of water and the defiance of gravity, is hard to resist. Make the most of it. The basic format is similar to "Bye-bye." The instructor supports the little girl some feet away, while mother holds out her arms. The infant swims to her enthusiastic embrace. The child can scarcely contain her joy; she's done something great. As she clasps her thighs about her mother's waist, clitoral impressions add to her gusto.

Can the infant receive too much stimulation through these activities? Will eroticism take over the child? Data from many cultures yields an emphatic "no." Sexual enthusiasm and activity don't lessen achievement and in some cases may enhance it. Early stimulation does provide the rich soil which, with time and continued nurturance, will produce a lush, mature eroticism.

There are, of course, pitfalls in any considerable undertaking. The exercises outlined avoid the major hazards. The child who receives intense, early stimulation to one erogenous zone, like the anus, can develop such an exclusive focus that other areas and sensations are dwarfed. Medical texts describe unusual objects inserted by adults into themselves for sexual enjoyment. Coke bottles and electric light bulbs are removed from the rectums of embarrassed patients with slippery fingers. (Haft, 1973) Most cases reveal a history of early anal manipulation. Recently admitted to the pediatric ward was a seven-year-old boy with intractable constipation since infancy. His mother had treated him at home, first with suppositories, then with daily voluminous hot water enemas, until the age of six. I asked why she had ceased giving enemas then. She replied, "It was the way he looked at me when I fixed the enema bag. He was really enjoying it."

The child's personality can be affected by exaggerated anal eroticism. As intense stimulation is imposed by the powerful mother, the child begins to prefer being passive. In the boy, this predisposes to a feminine attitude through the wish to be penetrated. As the mother is the only source of stimulation, and indeed controls the enema bag, she remains of central importance. (Kestenberg, 1976) This limits the child's ability to move into other, healthier relationships, accentuating his dependency and feelings of helplessness. Other factors can predispose to passivity also. These include chronic illness and prolonged indulgence with restriction of outside interests. A reasonable balance between the active and passive modes, and a diversity of erotic foci are essential for a healthy sexual response.

Overemphasis on the genital focus can occur also, although these cases appear only in families with massive psychopathology. Rita is one such child. She was the firstborn of Jessie, a schizophrenic woman who had herself been beaten, abused, and abandoned in her early life. Jessie had been raped by her grandfather at age four and sexually molested by her mother's boyfriends. At age eighteen she conceived while following a group of Hell's Angels. The latter half of pregnancy was spent in a state mental hospital. She was discharged to a relative when Rita was two months old. This arrangement proved evanescent, and within four weeks Jessie was living in a tiny room, supporting herself and Rita through prostitution. From the time Rita was six months old, she and Jessie had oral sex together several times each day. Rita was removed from her mother's custody at age eighteen months. At three she was seen for psychiatric evaluation because of her insistent, well-calculated advances to any adult female. Rita's foster mother was afraid to lie down on a bed unless Rita was sound asleep.

An exclusive focus on one erogenous zone is easily avoided. By nature children have catholic tastes. The older infant and child only need the opportunity to develop their own, independent preferences.

In the second half of the first year the infant has almost all his eggs in one basket, and that basket is the mother, or whoever else is the primary caretaker. The baby is acutely aware of the mother's feelings, often reading her better than she reads herself. When the mother is upset the child assumes that he's to blame. For instance, Peggy's mother resents having her husband's brother living in the house because he drinks a half gallon of milk for breakfast and never cleans his room. After he leaves for class each morning she cleans with a vengeance, muttering to herself. Peggy assumes that her mother is angry with her. Her mother tends to avoid Peggy when she feels like that, but a distinctive smell heralds the need for a diaper change. "Yuk! What a MESS!" says mother. Now Peggy knows why her mother's so upset.

No parent on earth is always sunny and smiling. There'll always be spilt milk, crumpled fenders, and checks that bounce. There's no way to prevent your child from knowing how you feel, either. However, you can protect the child's genitals from bearing the brunt of whatever happens by making them especially good instead of especially bad. A million-dollar smile accompanied by a pat with the powder to an erect penis says that the penis has value. The next time you're out of sorts, his genitals won't appear the likely culprit.

Near the end of the first year or early in the second, the child is taught the name for toes, fingers, eyes, and nose. The penis is seldom included in the lesson, and the clitoris never. Yet all important things have names, don't they? The youngster must eventually reconcile the exquisite sensations which make the genitals significant with the fact that adults don't seem to think that genitals are important at all. Maybe they shouldn't feel good. They could be dirty or bad.

A clitoris is called a clitoris — not a vagina, a "bottom" or "down there." With a bit of insight, parents can usually manage to name the penis, but fail miserably with the clitoris. Rationalizations include "It's so small she wouldn't notice it anyway," "It's too difficult to pronounce," and "Why should she need to know about that, for heaven's sake?" Clitoris is difficult for the toddler to pronounce. It's often contracted to "clitris" or "clis." Even so, it's far more accurate than "vagina" or "gina." Introduce the term with a smile and an adjective such as "nice," "happy," or even "yummy" to convey your enjoyment. As the clitoris is tiny, the little girl may have a geographical problem in locating the nubbin in order to name it. Given a plump tummy, this is indeed a dilemma. A mirror is helpful, or a finger may be used to identify the clitoris by touch. Whether you guide the child's finger or use your own depends upon your internal comfort. If you prefer to guide the child's finger, by all means employ the same method to identify other parts of her body, thus avoiding the message that the clitoris is untouchable or dirty.

Adults with sexual problems are generally uncomfortable with their bodies. A task assigned by many therapists is for the client to stand stark naked before a three-way mirror and her mate. She points to each bodily part and describes how it seems to her — too fat, too lumpy, so-so, or plain ridiculous. She's not allowed to skip the clitoris. Her partner completes the same task. It's rare indeed for either to say something good about the genitals. The penis is too small and the clitoris ugly or smelly. The need for treatment could have been prevented by a direct, enthusiastic approach to sex in childhood. The task which is agonizing for an adult may be ecstasy for the yearling child who struts, points, and touches with eager delight. Parents may facilitate the process with suggestions, encouragement, and obvious approval. The child's body becomes beautiful, mirrored in his parents' eyes.

During the first year of life, the erotic child has captured a profusion of pleasures. He has balanced the earlier emphasis on passive enjoyment with an active search for uniquely appropriate sensations. His parents are no longer just providers of pleasure, but distinct individuals who encourage his emotional growth.

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