Yates. Chapter 7. Enriching the Child's Sexual Response
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In the second year even the most permissive parent is faced with a grim necessity — training. The untrained five-month-old is cuddly and sweet; the untrained eighteen-month-old pulls cans off the shelf at the supermarket. When an almost-two smears food, relatives no longer smile. Bedtimes and bed rules must be observed if weary parents are to enjoy one another and a full night's rest.

Parents are between a rock and a hard place in deciding just what expectations are reasonable. Samantha's mother is an example. She's a patient, loving mommy until fourteen-month-old Samantha develops a penchant for dumping wastebaskets. Her mother places all the trash up out of reach. Samantha climbs on a chair and tumbles while grasping for a basket. She screams and displays an angry red bruise on her forehead. What should her mother do? Scold Samantha, hug her, or both?

Children this age are already aware of their parents' guilt buttons. Push a guilt button, and Christmas appears. Patrick's mother wants to leave him with a sitter so she can attend a lecture. Even though Patrick likes the sitter, he wails plaintively. Mother lugs him to class, purchasing a bag of candy to keep him quiet. Dawn is well mannered at home. In a restaurant, she bangs her water glass with the spoon. Her father removes the spoon. Dawn's lower lip grows large; she scowls and takes a deep breath. Her mother quickly lifts her from the high chair, while her father hails the waitress for a glass of milk.

A mother with an easy-to-push guilt button may become a servant to a small but imperious master. She endlessly washes, wipes, comforts, and entertains. Sometimes she reaches the end of her rope. Morris is an only child, conceived at last after a four-year, four-thousand-dollar infertility treatment. Morris developed croup and almost died at age ten months. Now Morris is chubby and active at nineteen months. His mother had been a court stenographer, but is now "only" a housewife. Her day revolves about Morris, who's regularly prammed and pampered. She forgoes the beauty parlor, because Morris pulls the magazines off the rack. His father and mother no longer attend movies because Morris squirms and whimpers. His mother has a headache by noon, but napping when Morris does seems to help. Yet by the time Morris goes to bed at night, she's once again exhausted. Invariably, she's sound asleep before the father finishes watching television.

One sunny afternoon, his mother puts Morris down for his nap and retires to her room. A soft rustle reveals that Morris is not asleep. She tiptoes in, to find Morris intently fondling his penis. "Don't do that! You go to sleep!" Her voice is unusually sharp as she turns Morris on his stomach. Silence, and then again, a soft rustle. The second time, Morris receives an unaccustomed swat on his rear. Why should this provoke his mother? She doesn't scold when she mops up spilled oatmeal, or when Morris sucks his thumb. The fact is that his mother hasn't gotten anything for herself for a long time. She's in a state of acute deprivation. She tries desperately to be a good mother, and a good mother gives all, all the time. And who gets it all? Morris, of course. At one time his mother did enjoy sex, but now Morris eclipses her eroticism. She's stuck in the myth of martyred motherhood. Small wonder that Morris's pleasuring is her last straw. It would help the whole family if his mother bundled Morris off to his grandparents for a weekend so that she and his father could refuel in bed. It would be better yet if Morris could be trained to demand less and to give himself more. More erotic pleasure for Morris would allow his mother more time for herself.

All mothers aren't like Morris's. A mother at the other extreme sees all erotic pleasures as corrupting. Food is for getting vitamins and baths are for scrubbing. Two-year-old Priscilla must eat every string bean before dessert, and she mustn't hug Daddy after work because Daddy's tired. She's too heavy for her mother's lap and too old to make messes. Last year Pris could rub her clitoris, but this year she's a big girl and big girls don't do that. "You'll get your fingers dirty," "Nice girls don't do that," and "That's not what you're supposed to use that for" carry the message. Father says, "You don't want to wear it out, do you?" Again, a mother's style reflects her own sexual frustrations, not because she's overwhelmed by Pris's demands, but because of deep-seated inhibitions in which sex and dirt, gratification and corruption, are associated. She limits her own pleasures just as she limits her child's. She trains Pris as she was trained.

Most parents operate in the middle ground between these two extremes. Their approach is rational, fairly conservative, and somewhat flexible. They avoid expecting too much, but do teach the child enough to insure their own comfort. The child is no angel, but doesn't bite other children, or put his fist in the Jell-O. He protests when left with a sitter, but is soon parading before her, pulling a toy dog on a leash. Yet even these parents often convey disapproval about sex. Embraces are muted in the toddler's presence. Clothes become more important; certain topics are avoided. If the child reaches inside the mother's blouse or fondles himself, a variety of responses deflect or restrain. "Look, it's raining outside," "Your horsie is waiting to play," or "Let's find a cookie" are common. "You don't need to do that" and "That's a no-no" are acceptably mild. Other parents prevent enjoyment by organizing the child. A plethora of activity toys surround him; a push-pull lawnmower, a miniature piano, a form board, and blocks. The day is segmented into meal time, trip time, toy time, nap time and play-with-Daddy-before-dinner time. Mother is blessed with a knack for planning, a creative imagination, and a bias against passive pleasuring.

Yet the yearling child, when given a chance, is intrigued by new erotic sensations and enthusiastically expands his repertoire. He does things because they feel great. Although he avoids activities which result in a harsh word or rough handling, he remains free of such weighty concepts as responsibility. If Aunt Figleaf is upset when he streaks naked across the living room, it's of little consequence — unless Mommy scolds or puts him to bed. The carefree toddler can still poke an inquisitive finger where it feels good. There's immense satisfaction in paddling about a puddle or dribbling peach juice off the chin.

Parents can help the child to expand his eroticism by seating him naked in a smooth-pebbled brook or a wading pool with soft rubber toys. Slides, swings, a bouncing horse, and large blow-up plastic dummies for wrestling or riding promote active stimulation. However, stick horses and sharply molded seats can painfully stifle the search for pleasure. Passive pleasuring can be enriched with back rubs, sand, sun, bubbles, a shower with Daddy, and the smell of fresh-cut grass.

Of all the tasks peculiar to the second year, potty training is the best recognized, and often the most exasperating. The potty chair brings the parent's anxieties into sharp focus. An exquisitely pleasing function must be diverted into socially acceptable channels. The child, quite rightfully, resists. Distraction won't work, and the toddler resorts to all the ploys he has tucked away to bluff parents. He's outraged, indignant, strangely dense, or utterly crushed. He remembers an urgent mission and forgets what his mother wanted anyway. He may hoard up his stool until the warm bathtub weakens his resolve. He may distract his mother and himself by pulling and patting his penis while seated on the pot.

Shame begins as a wordless concept. It stems from the toddler's perception of one part of himself as less acceptable than the rest. That part is bad, dirty, or smelly. Once established, shame is impossible to erase completely. It's the basis for the majority of problems treated in the sex clinic. Shame is the reason why it's difficult for adults to ask for certain pleasures, admit inadequacies, reveal the genitals, or even talk about sex.

The child learns to be ashamed around the time of toilet training. His parents' attitudes about control, his genitals, and the stool itself convey the concept. The anus and the genitals are somewhat distinct in a boy's mind, but a girl thinks of them as one. Thus, if diapering is a chore, the stool a stinking object to be quickly discarded, and the genitals of interest only because they must be scrubbed, the child assumes that the parent is disgusted by the whole area. The fact that adults avoid the genitals, leaving them nameless and hidden beneath clothing at all times, reinforces this theory. The child learns to keep his "privates" concealed; nothing is worse than to be "caught with your pants down."

Girls learn to be more ashamed than boys. This is related to the uncharted darkness of their anal and genital area. The clitoris is unnamed and unremarkable by any separate function such as urination. When the anus is cleansed, so are the genitals. Diapers and panties cover both, without any distinguishing aperture such as a fly. When erotic sensations arise from being wiped, rubbing against a pillow, or playing horsey, the whole area feels good. Unless the little girl has discriminated the clitoris by touch, as in the naming process, or through pleasuring, she includes her genitals in the clutter of smell, dirt, and displeasure with which she regards her stool. She confuses the odor of her stool with the smell of her genitals. As an adult, she'll continue to hide her "dirty" parts, she'll bathe daily, douche religiously, use a perfumed spray, and avoid oral sex.

Mothers communicate shame through their style of toilet training. Some commence at nine months and grimly pursue the goal of "no accidents." Others begin later, but emphasize a fast, efficient performance at the proper hour. Some solemnly examine each product for size, odor, or mushiness. Others don't train effectively and complain loudly. Some tie the toddler to the chair or punish him if he leaves. Scented sprays to cover the smell, a wrinkled nose, meticulous wiping, and hasty hand-washing accompany the effort. How can a toddler feel proud when the mother is clearly upset?

The sexually aware mother can preserve the child's enjoyment and the worth of his genitals by moderating her own reactions. She's patient, kind, and reasonably flexible. To avoid a contest of wills she delays training until the toddler's eighteen-month stubbornness wanes. She responds to the stool as an erotic product, just as she does to an erection. She smiles and comments on its pleasant characteristics. She receives the stool as warmly as she receives the child who forms it. She emphasizes the erotic rather than the hygienic component of cleansing by utilizing soft cotton, creams, and oils. She's pleased by the process. If her child is a girl, she treats the clitoris as an area distinct from the anus by naming and swabbing it separately. If her child is a boy who fondles his penis while seated on the potty chair, she observes without averting her eyes. She smiles and offers a compliment.

Anal eroticism needs to be protected too. Anal sensations intensify the adult response, providing the individual can accept and enjoy them. Tightening the muscles about the anus during coitus heightens pleasure in both sexes. Some women prefer certain positions because the penis presses back against the rectum, and in almost all positions, the woman's anus is stimulated by traction on vaginal tissues. A finger on or in the anus accentuates the climax for many men and women. Thus the mother needs to accept and convey enjoyment of the anus also. Her tissue can be soft, her touch tender, and her smile warm.

Preschool children invest their stool with character — nice, mean, powerful, angry, stubborn, and so forth. (Anthony, 1972) Children ascribe the same qualities to the stool that they assign to the anal and genital areas. It's easy to find out how a child feels by asking. Let him know that you can feel friendly toward both the producer and the product.

Occasionally a child enamored of his own products will decorate himself or a wall with astutely smeared feces. Is a parent supposed to encourage that too? Hardly. Encourage eroticism and preserve pleasure, but not at the expense of creating an "enfant terrible." This can be labeled unacceptable behavior without demeaning the stool nor the child's intrinsic worth. "Your poop is lovely, but it does not belong on the wall. Here, help me put it back in the pot." The production of flatus, or letting wind, can also be gently curtailed without evoking shame if the parents have first demonstrated their acceptance and enjoyment of this natural function.

Shame is transmitted to children at an age when words are less important than actions. Because of this, the sex therapy clinics must utilize actions rather than words to relieve shame. Assignments include disrobing under a bright light, swimming together nude, demonstrating methods of selfpleasuring to one another, and an exploration of each other's genitals. This last exercise includes the internal examination of the wife by her husband, in the presence of one or more therapists. An examining table with stirrups and a speculum are provided. These tasks cause the clients profound embarrassment, and the therapist must support the couple every step of the way. Once a task is complete, the clients experience tremendous relief, and increased comfort and intimacy. As shame diminishes, sex improves.

Another sexual dysfunction, performance anxiety, is rooted in our early attempts to educate children, such as toilet training. Performance anxieties are the fears which men experience concerning erection and ejaculation. Will it get hard enough? Can I hold that erection? Can I delay orgasm long enough to satisfy my mate? Will I ejaculate? Once these anxieties intervene, the joy in sex dwindles. The production itself is so important that passive, receptive pleasuring is impossible. The child's first pressured performance is on the potty chair. Mothers who focus on the rapid production of "enough" stool at the appointed hour are emphasizing performance. "Now it's time to do your business"; "Do a good job." Goodness is equated with compliance and achievement. The child learns to please his mother by producing a proper stool. Later, he pleases his mate by producing a proper orgasm. Performance anxiety can be prevented through a relaxed attitude toward all early training including the potty chair. Slipups are expectable. In addition, parents can emphasize passive pleasures such as rocking and back rubbing, and the erotic rather than hygienic component of toilet training.

Transitional objects, like Linus's baby blanket, or a dirty teddy bear, have erotic significance, whether they be sucked, stroked, held, or used for masturbation. Like the stool, they're somehow part of the child's view of himself. They must be treated with concern. One father wrinkles his nose and pries a grubby blanket loose from Alice, an indignant two-year-old. An incident for Daddy, an insult for Alice. Her blanket is her comfort and pleasure. If it's dirty, so is Alice. If Daddy dislikes it, he objects to her also and the pleasures she receives from her blanket. Daddy needs to talk nicely to the blanket and to Alice before he gently removes the tattered remnant and dunks it in the washing machine.

A diaper is an effective deterrent to masturbation. Once it is removed, there's little to prevent the hand from rubbing, kneading, or stroking. Many a toddler seizes this opportunity to pleasure himself at bedtime or when there's little else to do. Yet Spock and others warn of "excessive masturbation" caused by anxiety or conflict. How much is too much? "Excessive masturbation" is rare, but it does occur. Most unusual at two, it remains uncommon at five. A more descriptive term would be "compulsive masturbation," which connotes the driven and singularly joyless quality of this activity. Other signs of an emotional disturbance are present, as with Peter and Faith in Chapter 3. The child is never satisfied, and uses every opportunity to continue. If restrained, he becomes more anxious and will find a way in spite of parental wrath. Parents often wonder if the child has an irritation or an itch, for the genitals are red and raw from such prolonged rubbing. Pinworms and urethritis are rarely implicated. Compulsive masturbation can be easily recognized as there's no real pleasure involved. Sex has become an expression of anxiety or anger.

Healthy masturbation doesn't interfere with activities such as taking a walk with Daddy or climbing the stairs. It accompanies relaxation, inactivity, and passive pleasuring such as taking a bath or listening while Mother reads a story. It's easily validated by a nod or a smile. Occasionally, youngsters will stroke or finger the genitals at times and in places which are inappropriate, as while riding on a train or swinging in the park. This may be viewed as similar to eating chicken with the fingers — delightful at home, but perhaps poor manners in company. A tactful "not now, wait until later," accompanied if necessary by removing the child's hand, are not amiss as long as the child already knows that you accept and enjoy his eroticism. The child who isn't certain of your feelings needs clarification and extra reassurance.

The erotic toddler is enthusiastic and spontaneous. He searches for pleasure with confidence, but already needs a few guidelines. He asks for what he wants, but doesn't expect gratification every time. His behavior is acceptable, but far from perfect. He remains proud of both his body and its products.

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