Yates. Chapter 7. Enriching the Child's Sexual Response
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(Ages Two Through Four)

These are exciting years. Children are off the lap and into the backyard. There are tricycles to be pedaled, puppies to be chased, and flowers to be picked. Words are now entrancing tools which can bring fairies to the bedside or persuade Mother that the beach is better than cleaning house. The child appreciates the magic of the milk which mysteriously appears outside the door on Monday and of Daddy's voice in the telephone receiver. He expects that adults can make miracles, that trains can fly, and that children may be eaten by vacuum cleaners. The world is an elixir packed with delight, yet strangely unpredictable.

At the seashore four-year-old Trudy concocts a new sensation. She pulls open the elastic waist of her swim suit and dumps in a pail of shells and water. Add seaweed for spice. Five minutes later, she covers her legs with sand, wiggling her toes to prove they still exist. She lies on her back in the shallow water, pokes holes in the mud with a stick, and splashes her baby brother. Her father tells Trudy to put on a shirt to prevent sunburn. Trudy nods, but forgets her father's instructions as she sprinkles sand on a very dead starfish. In a half hour Trudy investigates a dozen erotic sensations. She can't select the one she likes best or relinquish any of the other joys she's discovered. She has a repertoire of genital pleasures, none of which snares her attention for long. Trudy is a healthy, erotic four-year-old.

Passive pleasuring seems lost as the child putters and bustles about the home. The enfolding arms of a mother or the silky softness of the father's chest haven't lost their charm — but there's so little time. Often a youngster's exhilaration is terminated only by collapse in bed. The sensitive parent insists on a few quiet time-outs each day. A siesta is reserved for back scratching, holding, nuzzling, and snuggling. Naptime stories in a rocking chair balance the hectic pace of the morning hours and emphasize the importance of receiving pleasure.

Rarely, a youngster becomes all too invested in passive pleasuring, to the exclusion of swings, slides, and other children. This is most often a girl from a small family who's been protected and cuddled. Elizabeth is such a youngster. One afternoon at the park her brother, Tommy, runs to his father crying and complaining that a bad boy took his tricycle. The father tells Tommy that the other boy is exactly his size. Tommy is to demand his tricycle back. Ten minutes later, Elizabeth arrives weeping. Another little girl threw sand in her face. Her father hugs her, dries her tears, and suggests that they return home. At home, Elizabeth is a pretty child who prefers to remain inside. She loves to have her hair curled and to be read fairy tales. Elizabeth can hardly be blamed for preferring the shelter of a lap to the rigors of the playground. Her balance of pleasure has already tipped precariously away from active enjoyment. She expects to be given whatever she needs later in life, she may wait for her mate to provide her with a climax, and be angry when he fails to predict her erotic needs. Little girls, as well as little boys, need to be dusted off and dispatched back into the fray to settle any reasonable problem. (Baumarind, 1972)

The gravest damage occurs when a youngster is bound closely to a sexually stimulating parent. Timothy, in Chapter 3, is such a child. Children must be free to develop erotic interests on their own, or else titillation becomes a time bomb. They need to experiment and grow outside the highly charged and necessarily frustrating relationships within the family. Children in Mangaia and other liberal cultures develop into erotically healthy adults not only because of early stimulation, but because they're free to roam the bush and experiment with one another. Children in this country need playmates and independence also.

What about the child who can't move freely beyond the family? The asthmatic must be carefully guarded against allergens and the hemophiliac against injury. An only child who lives in a rural area or a violent neighborhood is necessarily restricted. A single parent may bind a child close because of fear or loneliness. Frequent moves from place to place may prevent a youngster from establishing himself in the peer group. Such children don't need increased erotic stimulation from parents, especially after age four. The chronically ill child is a special problem. He's already amply aroused by physical ministrations such as bathing and feeding. Direct physical contact must be minimized and the child helped to be as active in his own behalf as he can. As a sick child feels more helpless, or impotent, than a well child, he needs to develop as many competencies as possible. Crafts, writing, playing an instrument, and reading are nonerotic methods of aiding potency. Parental enthusiasm about the child's independent erotic ventures is never amiss.

As the world widens, the child looks beyond his mother and father. He observes how others relate, and what effect outside events have on his parents. He makes assumptions based on scant experience and an avid imagination. With a firm belief in magic he blends the real and impossible to create theories about everyday experiences. Whenever he is anxious, fantasies sprout and flower into fantastic schemes.

One sunny afternoon in May, Aunt Figleaf pays an unexpected visit. Henrietta is stark naked, leaping about the living room after a puppy. Aunt Figleaf braces herself against the piano and informs Henrietta that she forgot to put her clothes on. "No, I didn't" is Henrietta's breezy reply as she gallops off through the dining room. Aunt Figleaf was a surgical nurse in the last world war; clean clothes and soap are to prevent disease. She delivers an unsolicited lecture to the mother about the dire consequences of germs transmitted by domestic animals. The mother listens politely because Aunt Figleaf is the father's oldest sister. Henrietta observes from the doorway, and tries to put together the puzzle. Obviously Aunt Figleaf is a powerful person and that makes her right. She certainly is upset about something — but what? Henrietta concludes that her body is bad, running after the puppy is bad, or that bodies and puppies are bad because they are dirty. She finally concludes that feeling good and being naked are dirty. Later Mother explains why Aunt Figleaf was so obsessed. Aunt Figleaf is very old, out of touch, brought up in another time. These concepts are beyond Henrietta. She extracts bits and pieces to form new theories. Aunt Figleaf is old, so is Mommy; therefore Mommy thinks it's dirty too. Aunt Figleaf has run out of touch because Henrietta is too dirty to touch. Henrietta's theories make more sense to her than her mother's reassurances. Henrietta is saved not by her mother's speech, but by her parents' wholehearted enjoyment of her nakedness.

Randy is playing in the living room one Saturday afternoon. His parents are taking a nap. Randy overhears a strange sequence of thumps and squeaks. He climbs the stairs and listens at the door. A moan? He opens the door, provoking a muffled grunt and a flurry of bedclothes. His mother's face is red and her hair a mess. She looks frightened. His father seems angry; he tells Randy to leave. His father must have been beating his mother. Randy sits on the couch and wonders why. When his mother comes down, she hurries to the kitchen without looking at Randy. His father sits down and tells Randy that Mommy and Daddy were only wrestling. Randy has a better idea.

The little boy's first trip to the barber shop is also a frightening experience. The next expedition is still pretty scary. By the tenth time it's a delightful visit to a friendly fellow with an elevator chair. Familiarity has chased away the monster; the child is comfortable again. The youngster in Mangaia who first views coitus is every bit as terrified as Randy, but then it happens every night. Not only does his mother survive, but she appears hale and hearty each morning. Now the child begins to pay close attention. That's not his mother who groans, after all. She's hugging Daddy back. The primal scene becomes an intriguing event.

This natural desensitization process exists wherever quarters are cramped or children sleep with parents. Life goes on and the child gains perspective. In our middle-class homes, children have separate bedrooms and sex is shrouded in secrecy. Children are stuck with little knowledge and a large imagination. You may need to offer reassurance until further learning is possible. "Mommy and Daddy were hugging and kissing," is a better explanation than an aggressive concept such as wrestling. Both parents need to discuss the event with the child. Because the child commonly pictures his mother as the victim, the mother needs to hug or rub Daddy, to substantiate her pleasure openly. A detailed, specific explanation is unsuitable, simply because of the child's limited understanding and florid misinterpretations. A demonstration can succeed where words fail. Gather puppets or flexible dolls, a blanket, and an inverted box to serve as a bed. Have the puppets clasp, grunt, and roll together to your enthusiastic comments. The mother handles the girl puppet to act out her agreeable participation. Urge the child to repeat the play himself while you serve as audience. Don't be surprised if the same format is reenacted later with a neighbor child. You needn't portray genital coupling unless the child observed that aspect in the flesh.

Needless to say, the child who perceives Mommy as liking to touch and be touched by Daddy, and Daddy as listening attentively to Mommy is less likely to interpret aggressively any unusual event.

Nudity in the home has been controversial for at least fifty years. Parents fear overstimulation or promiscuity. They're ashamed to be seen naked and are embarrassed for the children also. "Here, pull your dress down before someone sees you!" "Remember to zip your pants." "I'm ashamed of you running around like that." This rigid insistence on clothing propagates shame. In countries where nudity is common, there's nothing to hide, and no reason to assume that one part is covered because it's ugly or dirty. Unclothed children have the opportunity for much casual genital pleasuring, as in wrestling with a chum or crawling over a friendly dog.

Clothing constitutes an emotional investment. "How do I look?" is a common request for reassurance. The staid, paunchy businessman who, for the first time, ambles through the living room bare and nonchalant evokes reactions which range from anxious giggles to plans for a state hospital commitment. Children over four may be shocked or fearful when first confronted by a naked adult. The level of shame in our society is so great that any considerable change in clothing habits is as unlikely as open intercourse. We can, however, encourage children to be comfortable with their bodies by allowing them free play sessions in the nude. Mud puddles and garden hoses are ready accessories.

"Am I male or female?" is a question which must be answered by age three. How can the child learn this? Interchangeable roles, unisex clothing, and hidden genitals are confusing. It helps if he can change the baby or distinguish male from female puppies in a litter. Bathing with a child of the opposite sex provides an easy solution. Simple tub games afford both information and erotic enrichment. These include "ding dong," "push the soap," and "tie the boat." The presence of simple props and at least one boy are required. "Ding dong" is best played by two boys. They stretch out side by side, and each peers across the water to catch sight of a surfacing penis. A quick tug is the "ding dong" for which the game is named. Boys rarely experience an erection, which would constitute a definite liability. If a girl is present, she may play also, but she has an unfair advantage. In "push the soap" an erection is profitable and girls feel hopelessly inferior. If the soap won't float, neither sex has an advantage. Girls enjoy "tie the boat," although obviously they can't play without at least one boy. Unless the player who provides the mooring happens to have an erection, the game becomes frustrating and is soon abandoned. Fortunately, neither sex can fasten an effective knot.

Toilet games enhance the pleasures of urination and defecation and provide a lesson in anatomy. In the game "show me," children perform for each other on the pot. As more of the girl's body lies hidden, she has more to reveal. Little boys are intensely interested, although no game persists for more than a few minutes at this age. In the toilet game "make a big one," the sexes are evenly matched. Needless to say, keen concentration is required. "Waterworks" is a contest which can be devastating to the little girl. Accuracy and projectile force claim victory for the male every time. Recognizing the inadequacies of her equipment, the little girl may refuse to play or retreat to her mother for solace. Boys feel incredibly proud.

Parents don't need to suggest these games. Lively children, time and permission are all that are necessary. "After your bath: go ahead and play" is permission enough for a reasonably uninhibited child. Parents do need to monitor their reactions should they surprise the children in a sex game. An exclamation, muffled remark, or hasty retreat can provoke shame. A smile, together with a statement like "Hey, that looks like fun!" should be sufficient. Parents may then exit, so as not to interfere with the children's spontaneity.

When parents are open about their bodies, issues arise which can be settled to the child's advantage. Chet is awestruck at the size of his father's member. He looks at his own and is humbled. One morning, his father enters the bathroom with an erection; Chet is crestfallen. Happily, he already knows that his penis is valuable; it feels good and his mother likes it. He's reassured when his father acknowledges that boys have smaller organs and that when Chet is a man he will have a very large penis also.

Roger hasn't developed penis pride; he needs more than a simple statement. His father adds, "That's a very fine penis you have," or, "We're lucky to have a handsome penis that feels good too." Father can engage Roger in a simple remediation to encourage penis pride. Each in turn projects a forceful stream of urine into the toilet to produce froth. His father compliments Roger and may limit the force of his own stream so that Roger's is outstanding. A capful of detergent in the bowl can add to Roger's enjoyment.

The healthy two-year-old child strips for pleasure and only gradually learns to remain clothed except at certain times. The older preschooler, commonly a girl, may strip because she's anxious. At three and a half, Nancy has a hypothesis. Like any other scientist she seeks confirmation through an extensive and varied experimental approach. She drops her pants in the park, wanders bottomless out of the public toilet, and streaks across the yard. When company is present she invariably enters naked. Averted eyes and her mother's scowl affirm her suspicions. An occasional laugh puzzles her, but the weight of evidence clearly indicates that her genitals are powerfully bad.

Nancy's hypothesis began when mother taught her to wipe from front to back and insisted that she change her underpants when they were stained. Some months later, Nancy saw her cousin Jack urinate. Cousin Jack didn't even use toilet tissue. Nancy asked her mother why, and her mother replied, "Boys don't have to worry." Nancy thought girls were dirty because only girls needed to use toilet paper. If Nancy had held her genitals in high esteem before these minor incidents, no such hypothesis would have been necessary.

The genitals should have been named before age two, but now the child needs to understand more about what they mean. To explain the clitoris is especially awkward for parents because it's the only organ whose sole business is sexual pleasure. Parents have used the term "vagina" because that has an explainable function: It's the passage through which babies are born. The penis is even easier because it's an unparalleled device for shooting urine in the pot. The older child may be told that it also carries semen or plants a seed. The message parents avoid at all cost is that the primary use for genitals is to feel good. Aesthetics are also omitted from the lesson. "Does it look good?" is a common concern for all of us, including the preschool child. To declare that a girl is special because she can have babies is helpful, but how will she know her clitoris is pretty? A young lady who thinks she has a dirty bottom which smells bad isn't benefited by knowing that her uterus will function well someday. Parents can say simply and directly, "That's your clitoris. It's very pretty and it gives you good feelings." The boy may be told, "This is your penis, it's handsome, it shoots urine a long way, and it feels great when you touch it."

Preschool children are less intrigued by copulating animals than they will be in a few years. The dog's genitals, however, are fascinating. Youngsters may poke or tease for curiosity and pleasure. Babies' genitals are charming also. The child may rub or kiss them to see what happens. Although terribly upsetting to parents, this is only an experiment, unless the child has been exploited sexually by adults or older peers.

Girls this age may receive their first intense arousal when licked by a friendly puppy. Loose-fitting panties and the puppy's natural bent may surprise and please. Unless the child is sorely constricted, isolated, or depressed, this is but a happy event which contributes to her overall eroticism. A catastrophe can occur if the little girl and puppy are caught enjoying one another. If the parents are disgusted or angry, or if they dispose of the dog, the child's eroticism can be severely damaged.

A good nursery school provides sex education. Other children and animals are the teachers. However, not all nursery schools are alike, and more than a few consistently frustrate the development of eroticism. Descriptive brochures rarely mention sex. The best way to find out is to visit the school and talk to the teachers. Look for shared bathroom facilities, the presence of pets such as rabbits or guinea pigs of both sexes, and tree houses, forts, or other small enclosures. The proportion of free time available and the teacher's ability to be frank and open in discussing sex are important. Ask questions such as "What do you do if Johnny pulls down Mary's panties?" and "What happens if a child watches the rabbits copulate?" If the teacher is comfortable in responding to these questions, she may be able to field your child's.

Happy Days preschool supplies its children with finger paint, sand, and clay for a free play period early in the morning. By the end of the hour the room can scarcely be recognized. Next comes a cleanup in which all participate. Then children sit in a circle while the teacher displays each child's work of art. Teachers smile and clap while the children nudge and giggle. Milk and cookies follow, and youngsters are reminded to use the toilet. For the next ten minutes there's a watch-and-wait line inside the bathroom. The teacher enters only when a child requests help, as with a zipper. A cage of hamsters sits on the playroom floor and outside is a rabbit pen.

Three blocks away is the Serendipity nursery school. Each morning children manipulate form boards, hook together alphabet letters shaped like jungle animals, and learn to use scissors. Those who master simple sums or who can tie a shoelace are pinned with a large gold star. Teachers demonstrate the proper use of toys, including a computerlike device which rewards youngsters for matching colors correctly. The children are developing "school readiness." Boys and girls are sent separately to the bathroom. The younger ones are accompanied by a teacher who supervises the use of toilet paper and the washing of hands. The child who pulls too much toilet paper off the roll is politely but firmly discouraged. Although the school has no pets, children are taken on weekly trips to farms, museums, a tomato paste factory, and a fish hatchery.

The Serendipity nursery readies children better for school while Happy Days prepares them better for bed. Overemphasis on achievement necessarily causes underemphasis on eroticism. In Serendipity, performance anxiety is hailed as a sign of success. Children graduate with a list of priorities and a series of well-practiced techniques. Youngsters who attend Happy Days learn to enjoy life while they expand their erotic interests.

At home and at preschool, the child poses questions which would confound a professor. A four-year-old queries, "Do mosquitoes got a penis?" He isn't interested in anatomical structure or the mechanics of intercourse. He has just looked closely at a mosquito for the first time and wonders if the stinger could be a penis. The three-year-old who asks her pregnant mother where babies come from wonders if the infant could drop in the toilet to be flushed away. A four-year-old who was circumcised a few months before is angry and upset when his mother prepares for the birth of a new baby. Again and again he asks why she must go to the hospital. She reassures him that he may visit her, and that Daddy will stay home from work to care for him. When she's ready to leave, he clings to her leg and sobs. He thinks his mother will be circumcised too. A three-year-old tells her mother to stop having babies. She remembers an Irish setter who gave birth to fourteen puppies, several of which eventually starved. The parent who sticks to the facts often misses the point.

There's no substitute for listening to the child and sorting through his magical confusion and illogical connections. Yet the reason why the youngster is anxious about sex and intent upon building theories is that there's precious little real information available. The deficit is not of facts, which are largely incomprehensible at this age anyway, but in feelings, attitudes, and expectations. A most effective tool for conveying these intangibles is sorely neglected — the fable or folktale. The Eastern Apache Indian tribes spin folk tales to children about the coyote who possesses an immense penis. This picturesque trickster is thwarted in his erotic exploits through his own blunders. Young and old of both sexes sit back, laugh, and joke about the human foibles of the coyote. The tale is both instructive and reassuring. Adult enthusiasm for sexual themes and approval or disapproval of various expressions of eroticism are evident. (Opler, 1975)

Parents can create their own fables or include erotic elements in stories already on the shelf. Thus the Grinch can steal a curvaceous maid along with Christmas, Dorothy may woo the Cowardly Lion, and Jack can fetch more than a pail of water. Unexpurgated myths and fairy tales may be resurrected in the service of eroticism, although only the simpler stories and fables are suitable for preschoolers. Occasionally a modern tale such as Millicent the Monster by Mary Lystad is distinctly erotic. Millicent threatens the boy next door while straddling a large tree limb, insults her mother, makes faces at motorists, stands on her head to reveal her underpants, and rides astride a rocking horse. The ending is moral without presenting sex or assertion as shameful or dirty. While reading aloud a story such as Millicent, parents can stress the pleasure in erotic activity, and embellish or enlarge upon sexual themes. Open discussion can then be encouraged.

Stories also provide a foundation in sexual responsibility. Values such as consideration for others, honesty, and accountability are clearly conveyed. Children this age don't just listen to stories, they live stories, so that part of each tale becomes a part of the child.

The erotic preschooler has a conviction of maleness or femaleness based upon real data. He views his genitals as pretty, pleasing, and presentable. Simple sex games are enjoyed without shame. His erotic interests are now largely independent of his parents. As he expands his friendships in the future, he will find many additional opportunities.

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