Yates. Chapter 7. Enriching the Child's Sexual Response
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(Ages Five through Six)

Jacqueline won't let Daddy alone; she hugs and kisses him at the slightest provocation. She climbs on his knee and rubs back and forth. Her intent is all too clear. She keeps asking Daddy to take her to the beach or to work. When he gently refuses, she complains that Mommy never lets her do anything. She petulantly declines her favorite delicacy, Mother's chocolate chip cookies. Andrew declares that he will marry Mommy when he grows up. When asked, "What about your daddy?" he seems not to hear. The child, who is now self-possessed, wishes to possess someone else. What could be more entrancing than the parent of the opposite sex? If Daddy tickles and kisses Mommy, why not Andrew? The erotic child doesn't mince words or pass up options. The statement "I want to marry Mommy" has an unmistakable genital ring even when the child has only the foggiest concept of intercourse.

Five-year-old Herman repeatedly asks his mother, "When is Daddy going to work? Is Daddy going on a trip?" One evening Herman approaches his mother without pants, but with a full erection. Unabashed, he requests that she hold his penis. His mother asks why, and Herman states matter-of-factly that it feels good. His mother needs perspective, comfort, and a sense of humor not to blush, stammer, or reject Herman and his penis. Her response is momentous for Herman, who will never again be as vulnerable. He stakes his concept of himself as a sexual being on her reaction. Even the mild "That's not a nice thing to ask your mother" crushes Herman. His mother needs to sit, listen to Herman plight his troth, and thank him for the compliment. If she tells him that his penis is pleasing while she gently explains that some things are impossible, Herman can leave rebuffed but with penis pride intact.

When Herman decides that his mother is an impracticable choice, he sees his father in a new light. His father is powerful, and absolutely possesses his mother. Herman desperately wants to be like his father, and actively models himself after him. He casts lascivious glances at his reading teacher and the girl next door. If he can't have Mommy, perhaps... This is what Freud describes as the favorable resolution of the oedipal conflict. A little boy decides not to possess his mother but to become a man like his father. Eventually he'll find an appropriate woman. This alignment with his father militates against homosexuality and increases the child's social awareness. The oedipal period or stage is roughly between ages four and six.

During the oedipal stage, Herman needs his father more than ever. Yet he fears that his father will detect his lust for his mother. Closeness to the mother intensifies both his desire and his fright. To Herman, his father appears like a giant with a penis the size of a football. Herman feels woefully inadequate and may retreat to the garage to massage an organ which suddenly appears three sizes smaller. What Herman needs most is an empathic father. If Herman has just failed miserably in his first seduction, his father can say, "With such a good penis, the girls will really like you." After his mother rejects Herman's penis, the father can remark, "Look how big your penis is! In a few years it will be as big as mine!" When his father realizes that Herman has entertained some very nasty thoughts about him, and now is ashamed, the father comments, "I used to get awfully mad at my father too, but he understood." When Herman has learned a special skill, such as riding a bicycle, his father can endorse his potency with a statement such as, "Look at you go! A few months back that would have been impossible!" If they ride together Herman feels proud and almost as potent as his father.

If his mother is too understanding toward Herman's proposition there may be no resolution at all. Herman can feel ever on the verge of success because his mother never really says, "No." He remains afraid of his father, and uninterested in other women. His mother can say, "You have a very nice penis, but it isn't a present that a son gives his mother. Father gives me his and that's the right way. Later, you'll find a girl and give her yours."

Jacqueline's oedipal struggle is no less poignant than Herman's, although the subtle maneuvers she employs are less distressing. Jacqueline still has a problem finding her own clitoris, so she can scarcely offer it to Daddy. She offers her entire body instead. Her father perceives her as sweet and cuddly and is amused at her courtship. It's hard for Daddy to say "No" with conviction. Yet her father must set limits just as surely as the mother must with Herman. This can be done without rejecting Jacqueline's eroticism, by a statement such as "You're cute, and sexy, too, but Mommy's my sweetheart and you're my child. Someday you'll have a man to make love to you the way I make love to Mommy." The father's recognition of Jacqueline's sexuality is essential for her healthy erotic growth. Most young girls have had precious little approval from the opposite sex by the oedipal stage, whereas most boys have seen their bodies mirrored in the appreciative eyes of their mothers for years. The cues which will ease Jacqueline's entry into the adult sex role necessarily must come from her father, who represents all men. If Jacqueline knows that her father values her sexuality, then she will expect acceptance from her mate.

The mother's task is to aid Jacqueline's sense of femaleness by involving her in activities in which she can feel competent. The household tasks of cooking, making beds, and washing clothes are convenient and acceptable but only if the mother herself enjoys these pursuits. This, however, is prime time to broaden the girl's concept of femininity, ameliorating the passivity which impairs the female response. If the mother habitually gets what she wants from the father by manipulation, she and Jacqueline can practice asking directly for things. Mother and daughter can form a team in competitive sports such as kickball and volleyball. "Slapjack" and "go fish" are excellent games to enhance assertion. As the mother openly savors victory, she gives Jacqueline permission to do the same. The mother and Jacqueline can learn to repair a bicycle tire, hang shelves, and change the oil in the family car. Whenever a skill is developed or a difficult task complete, her potency is enhanced. The father's support and approval confirm Jacqueline's worth as a competent female.

Clitoral recruitment is the mother's task. It's easy to compliment Jacqueline on the grace and symmetry of her body, but what accolade is there for a clitoris? If the mother still bathes Jacqueline, she begins by noting its beauty and propensity for feeling good. Now, Jacqueline needs more than this; she needs to know how her clitoris relates to other people, and how it compares to other organs. Would Daddy like it if he saw it? Does Daddy like Mommy's clitoris? Why is it tiny compared to her brother's penis? Is his penis better because it's bigger? Why doesn't her clitoris get big and stick out? Does it get bigger later? Mother replies simply and with candor. Indeed, the clitoris is smaller and will never gain the impressive stature of the penis. It's hidden and therefore harder to stimulate. Yet it holds a very special, concentrated pleasure. The mother can comment that the nicest gifts sometimes come in the smallest packages. She can indicate that her clitoris gives her as much pleasure as Daddy's penis gives him when they make love. Jacqueline may wonder if the clitoris is tucked away because it's bad or ugly. The mother can compare it to a wrapped and beribboned Christmas present to emphasize that objects are not hidden to conceal a lesser worth.

Jacqueline worries about her mother's anger also. If Jacqueline really does seduce her father, what would her mother say? If her father titillates her by wrestling, rubbing, or inviting her to ride on his back, Jacqueline's anxiety escalates. If the mother and father are cold toward one another, or if Daddy does indeed prefer a cuddly moppet to a harried housewife, Jacqueline's fantasy becomes frighteningly real. For Jacqueline's sake as well as their own, her parents need to enjoy each other.

Parents who derive emotional and sexual gratification from one another are unlikely to produce homosexual sons or daughters. (Rutter, 1971) Parents with a skewed or deficient relationship can predispose their offspring to homosexuality. (Marmor, 1965) An example is the mother who criticizes or resents the father, and depends upon the child for support. Or a mother may be overprotective and domineering, and married to a distant, weak father. The father may threaten or abuse the mother, driving the child closer to her and away from him.

Betty is an example of how the parents' relationship affects the child's sexuality. Betty's parents separated when she was four. Betty lives with her chronically depressed mother, who blames the family's sorry finances on the father, who "took what he wanted and left." Betty likes to play horsey with her little brother. She takes a piece of string and persuades him to put it in his mouth. She pulls this way and that, shouting commands. She threatens to switch him if he doesn't comply. Little brother doesn't like to play that game very much but Betty is an expert at persuasion. In kindergarten she attempts horsey again. Most other children refuse to play. This game isn't much fun for Betty either, but it serves a purpose. She feels in control, powerful for an instant. Betty identifies with her mother without ever having wished to possess her father. The mother is hurt, helpless, and angry at men. So is Betty.

Parents who act sexual outside the bedroom further the child's sexuality. Mutual displays of affection, including a pat on the fanny, are healthy. If the father grabs, and the mother says, "For heaven's sake, I'm cooking dinner!" the child assumes that mothers, or girls, don't like sex. An open, robust hankering for one another aids the child in establishing a positive attitude toward sex.

How can a single parent provide these essential ingredients? At times difficult, it's certainly not impossible. Simone was raised by her physicist father after her mother abandoned them both. An assortment of housekeepers cared for Simone until she was four, when she entered a day-care center. Father bestowed copious attention on his vivacious youngster. He recognized that Simone needed a mother, but remained generally distrustful of women. He and his secretary, Anne, had ventured upon a sporadic affair, but neither was prepared to make a commitment. When the father and Anne wished to make love, Simone was sent to visit Grandma. Simone only knew Anne as "that nice lady who gives me gum in Daddy's office."

When Simone was five years old she made her father pudding for his dessert and insisted on washing the bowls. Amused, the father waited until she was asleep before he rewashed the dishes. Simone made plans for her father to take her on weekend jaunts to parks and movies. Her father complied, even though the movies she chose were a dreadful bore. One Friday evening the father and Anne planned to meet. The father was preparing Simone for a visit to her grandmother's when she burst into tears and slammed the door to her room. The father's first impulse was to follow and comfort her. Instead, he sat and stared out the window. When Simone reappeared, red-eyed but silent, he informed her that she would not be going to her grandmother's because there was someone coming whom he wished her to meet. Simone was surprised and not overly pleased that the someone was that "nice lady in Daddy's office who gives me gum." In fact, Simone was unable to remember Anne's name in spite of repeated visits over the next six months. Simone refused to make pudding, or wipe a dish, and would retreat to her room after dinner in surly silence. Anne, who was now father's fiancée, accepted this spiteful Aphrodite in good grace. She proposed a shopping expedition which Simone immediately rejected. The father decided to go shopping instead, and informed Simone that she would visit Grandma's. More tears, and Simone screamed at Anne, "You aren't my mother!"

Two days before the wedding, Simone asked if she could be the flower girl. Anne and Simone went shopping for a dress. Simone became a delightful flower girl, although she was again miffed when no one invited her to the honeymoon.

Mothers who are single parents of young boys are in a difficult position also. An uncle, a Boy Scout leader, or a male teacher may serve as role model if mother lacks a steady male friend. If the mother derives major emotional satisfaction from her son she needs to monitor her own reactions closely. She may unwittingly impede his growth by seeking his approval and emotional support. Then her son feels as if he does indeed possess his mother and thus restricts himself from outside erotic pursuits. He needs to be urged, and sometimes pushed out to club meetings and sports events while his mother remains at home. Summer camp and prolonged visits to relatives are helpful.

Some young single mothers are so bound by little money and large responsibility that they appear sexually uninterested. Sandy works long and hard as a nurse's aid to support two youngsters. By the time she beds down the children and completes her nightly chores, she's too exhausted to pleasure herself, much less seek out a man. Her aseptic existence provides her little girl with a role model of grim asceticism. If Sandy's child is to view sex positively, so must Sandy.

When a young lady or gentleman comes precariously close to living out the oedipal drama of possessing the parent of the opposite sex, the best solution is to add another warm but firm parent, or the best available substitute. Then the child can once again be a child and all are more comfortable.

Children of five and six can comprehend genital coupling. Mating animals have become an intriguing sight. Big sister and her boyfriend are fascinating too. Now youngsters can be taught the mechanics of intercourse. In addition, they need to know that the penis imparts pleasure as it enters the vagina. Making love is enjoyable. Occasionally parents do it to have a baby also. If children assume, as they're often told, that intercourse is only to have babies, they expect that it hurts because of the size discrepancy between penis and vagina. Some parents put in a plug for morality with "wait for that special someone," or "it's nice, but only after marriage." Unless children have a firm erotic base, they may construe this as "sex is dirty or bad unless you're married." This adds to their shame and is difficult to alter — before or after marriage. Whether the child knows all the correct details at this age has little meaning, as long as he understands that coitus is acceptable and pleasing. Facts are grossly overrated anyway. A bright first-grader can be trained to parrot sex facts which he can't possibly comprehend. Attitudes and expectations are best learned through casual conversation or storytelling. When a parent attaches tremendous import to being right, the insistence on correctness quashes all the eroticism in the conversations and inevitably conveys anxiety.

Sex play flourishes among less inhibited kindergarten youngsters. Graphic detail, roles, props, and complicated themes add spice to a delightful learning experience. The rule is still "do what feels good, as long as you don't get caught." Children know that sex play upsets adults. They close the bathroom door and they make good use of the treehouse. The child whose parents have encouraged eroticism soon learns from playmates that most adults frown on sex play.

Games are based upon the real experiences or observations of at least one of the participants. "Mommy and Daddy" is a classic. Two children wriggle about together, or bounce up and down on top of one another. The audience convulses with laughter, and eagerly awaits a turn. Genital coupling may not be understood by any child present, but the spirit is contagious. A variant of "Mommy and Daddy" is "big sister," a game performed by children who peeked at an opportune moment. After big sister and boyfriend have squirmed and bucked, an irate "parent" enters screaming, "You bad kids! You get out of my house!" Squeals of laughter greet this resolution. "Zoo" and "bull and cow" are played by youngsters with explicit information. The children's concept of maleness and femaleness is clearly depicted. Some "cows" act abused, others coquettishly prance away, and some compete to become bulls. Bulls may roar and charge or peevishly insist that the cow "come here right now!" Genital contact is a limited but important aspect to the play. In healthy sex play children accept as much contact as they wish, and there's never any exploitation.

A game which involves manipulation, but which rarely progresses to genital contact, is "doctor." This is easily converted to "nurse," "dentist," or "plumber" — in short, anyone who looks into anything. Commercially available doctor's sets may inspire the play but aren't usually necessary. Each orifice is examined by looking, touching, and occasionally smelling. An imaginary pill cures all ills. This game rarely proceeds smoothly, as most children are ticklish. The agile physician may need to pursue a frisky patient. If the doctor suggests a rectal temperature, the thought itself is enough to send his patient scrambling for the other side of the bed.

The middle-class child isn't into sex play just for genital stimulation. For several years, youngsters have been puzzled by parents' standoffish attitudes toward sex. Others are anxious because of the strange sounds behind a locked bedroom door, a neighbor's criticism, or their own misinterpretations. As children play at making love, the intangible becomes real and not so scary after all. For instance, Katy wobbles about on her mother's high heels, screaming at a wriggly, bouncing couple on the bed. "You dirty bobos you! I'm telling your mama!" Katy recalls feeling helpless when Aunt Figleaf lectured her. Now she's the master and those kids had better watch out.

Middle-class children rarely attempt penetration; indeed no one lies still long enough. However, middle-class youngsters who've been directly stimulated by adults, and many slum children, also, actively seek genital contact. If they've observed or participated in oral sex they may devise a game with this as the central focus. One such game is "blow the balloon," in which the initiator offers his penis like the neck of a balloon. He expands his stomach in graduated steps as his companion puffs. Of course, his partner must draw the air out also, and these "balloons" are tough to deflate. As interest in genital sex increases, the play degenerates into a simple request for pleasuring. Occasionally, an inexperienced girl will dare a boy to "kiss it." If the boy unexpectedly agrees she giggles and turns away.

Sex play is certainly healthy. Social skills are accrued and eroticism enriched. Sexual interests are focused outside the home. Both boys and girls feel potent. They're doing something new, daring, and entirely of their own design. Each other's genitals are exciting and powerful. The girl realizes that her body is desirable. The boy feels proud; his penis elicits awe. Girls and boys are dearly fascinated by one another.

In cultures where children are sexually active, sex play continues uninterrupted. Unfortunately, in our culture, there's a sharp decline in all sexual activity by the end of the oedipal phase. This is related to greater social awareness and the formation of a conscience. The child begins to live by principle rather than by "not getting caught." Many youngsters renounce in retrospect not only sex play but talking and thinking about sex. Recalling the pleasure itself is especially disturbing. Now girls are ashamed to be without a bathing-suit top, certain words are "dirty," and the bathroom door is always shut. Girls play with girls, and boys with boys. Only the erotic children blessed with sexually enthusiastic parents remain open and interested.

The degree of constriction reached at age six is a forecast of problems in the future. At this time the child's erotic foundation is complete. If there's been a paucity of sensual pleasure in infancy, a dearth of erotic relationships in the preschool years, and a high degree of shame, the child will curtail his interests and sharply limit his activity. Erotic impairment is inevitable.

Because of their sense of inadequacy and shame about the genitals, girls become more embarrassed and constricted than boys. As the years between six and puberty elapse, the majority of boys again experiment with sex, while very few girls participate. The cycle of little experience and much inhibition is initiated. Over a period of time this stunts the girl's erotic growth and accounts for the large number of married women whose erotic response is damaged or absent.

Parents who have followed the suggestions in these chapters, or who have in other ways communicated acceptance and enjoyment of sex, have promoted a solid erotic foundation. Once the child has enjoyed sex without shame throughout the preschool years, his pleasure is well entrenched and open to further enrichment. He can withstand trauma, be it Aunt Figleaf, molestation, or discovery while masturbating, without forfeiting his potential for pleasure. Although he's failed in his first seduction, he remains proud of his genitals. He's ready and willing to try again.

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