Yates. Chapter 7. Enriching the Child's Sexual Response
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(Age Seven to Puberty)

Tina's mother comments, "I guess I can be thankful because Tina's never had a problem with sex; in fact, she hasn't shown any interest at all. I didn't have to tell her not to play with herself, or to watch out for certain boys."

Whenever I hear a statement like this, I know absolutely that the child does have a problem. The theory that a child isn't sexual is simply untrue. Tina has already dealt with the issue of sex, and her erotic response has already suffered. She responds to a world of sexual silence.

In a Mexican town on Saturday night, most of the locals congregate at the central hotel. Children are seated with the family, dressed in their finest clothes. Beer flows freely and the children observe as bodies gyrate, cling, or shake on the dance floor. Father strokes Mother's bottom as they dance; the mother smiles and tickles his ear. An uncle sweeps a seven-year-old miss onto the floor, whirling her off her feet as others clap. A sheepish ten-year-old boy is persuaded to dance by an older sister who obviously delights in his improvisation. The playing field is clearly marked.

In the United States, children under the age of eighteen or twenty-one are restricted from most establishments which serve alcoholic beverages. Yet almost every romantic setting also serves liquor. The bistro, dance hall, and R- or X-rated movies are shrouded in secrecy. Children aren't allowed to purchase certain magazines. Yet explicit accounts of rape and molestation are available in the newspaper, and suggestive scenes are daily fare on TV. This duplicity confuses as it titillates. When is sex acceptable? Where is the protocol, what are the rules? Children this age like games with clear definitions and explicit rules. This playing field is most disconcerting. The markers are hazy, the goalposts concealed, and the referee perplexed.

The relatively placid years between the oedipal stage and the turbulence of adolescence are called "latency." Freud dubbed this the sexless age, but we now know that this isn't the case (Rutter, 1971). Both sexes remain sexually attuned, although girls especially are ashamed and shy. Sex play does occur and steadily increases. By age thirteen, two thirds of the boys have been involved in sex play with girls. According to Kinsey, only fifteen percent of preadolescent girls have engaged in sex play with boys. Parents tend to underestimate the extent of this activity simply because children skillfully avoid discovery. Youngsters exude innocence, concoct plausible excuses, and conduct their affairs with discretion. They assume that adults detest sex play. Children who are caught pay an enormous price which can cripple their eroticism for life. The price is humiliation — a dramatic increase in shame, like finding your fly unzipped while delivering a lecture or realizing that you forgot to wear a slip under a transparent evening gown. An excruciating sensation that reddens the face and is impossible to forget. Most youngsters are ashamed about sex anyway, and are thus prone to humiliation. Once children are humiliated they may never again participate freely.

Elaine had always been a polite, eager-to-please, inhibited child. At age four a little boy persuaded her to watch him urinate. Tense and embarrassed throughout his performance, she bolted when he invited her to reciprocate. By age seven, she had made several friends and enjoyed playing games with them in the town park. Her group formed a "pee club," where each afternoon behind a clump of bushes they watched each other urinate. Unfortunately the bushes were on an embankment so that the yellow stream rolled out onto the cement court. A park custodian flailed through the bush to corner the girls against the fence. "You filthy kids! Don't you even know how to use a bathroom?" Thereafter Elaine avoided all sex play, the park, and even the friends she had enjoyed. She imagined that all the adults in the area were aware of her disgrace and fully expected that a letter would be sent to her mother. She had suffered a profound humiliation.

During latency, our customs continue to mark girls as having more to hide. An enclosed toilet is in the girls' bathroom at school, while the boys' has an open urinal. Showers are seldom required for girls' gym, but usually required for boys'. Girls are expected to be more circumspect about manners, language, and clothes which cover. Shirts are definitely not optional. Girls continue to feel ashamed.

Happily, some forces act to enhance the latency-age child's erotic development. Chief among these is the formation of groups. Children band together in clubs for pleasure and mutual support. Sex is often high on the agenda. The more inhibited talk about it, the less inhibited experiment. Boys' clubs may entice a girl specifically for sex play. Girls' clubs are aware of seduceable boys. As boys and girls grow older, an occasional mixed club is formed specifically to investigate sex.

The latency-age child sorely needs a sense of potency. Adults provide little direct reassurance when they assume that the child is uninterested in sex. Fortunately, other children do see each other's organs and exploits as intriguing. Indirectly, potency is affirmed through the plethora of competencies which the child now develops. He can deliver papers, make money, wash the car, and use the telephone. He feels able to deal with almost anything — even sex. Astute parents express their pride in these achievements, and thus indirectly augment potency.

In a work-oriented family, achievement itself can become the child's central focus. Jack gallops from kite-flying to garage-cleaning to ceramics between two bites of hamburger. He disdains his mother's hug as he prepares to leave for Little League. Jack also participates in sex games at the clubhouse, but not for long. Strip poker is awfully tedious, and what do you get if you win anyway?

Parents need to balance the active with the passive in their own lives if they're to help children like Jack. Leisurely meals with time to savor the food, sunbathing, listening to music, and reading for pleasure provide gratification in which all may share. Most girls and many boys enjoy a back massage. Around the dinner table questions such as "What did you get?" and "How much did you accomplish?" need to be balanced with "How did it feel?" and "How could you really enjoy it?"

When an erotic child reaches latency, his parents can no longer protect him. If he's sexually open and responsive he may meet situations for which he's ill equipped. If he speaks frankly about sex, his group leader may be shocked. If he propositions a girl, she may tell her mother. He can be ostracized from Sunday school. All parents can do is to prepare him for some contingencies and reassure him when he meets rejection. "Chuck, Marian's parents may not like you wrestling with her. Best you ask them first." When Chuck returns home crestfallen because Marian's parents said he was too old for her, he can be helped to understand that different adults may subscribe to different values. Since his sense of potency has suffered, his father can say, "We both know that your body looks good and can feel good too. In truth, Marian may be too young for you."

Most children this age like and respect their parents. Parents are in an excellent position to guide the growth of sexual responsibility, which follows the same patterns of maturation as other values. For instance, the rule "Don't hit kid sister Eunice" generalizes into "Be considerate of those who are smaller and weaker." Contingencies are added so that it becomes acceptable for a fifth-grade boy to defend himself against a large fourth-grade girl threatening him with a rock, providing there's no teacher present to whom he can appeal. The basic components of sexual responsibility are to consider the feelings of the other person and to avoid physical, social, or emotional damage. Sex for exploitation is out, as are force and dishonesty. The partner's full and judicious consent is essential. If the parents have shown consideration for one another, and for the child, he already has a basis in sexual responsibility. Now the concept can be expanded, and contingencies added.

The number and kind of restrictions which parents impose on the child's erotic activities depend on many factors. An impulsive youngster with poor judgment may need a few more rules. Parents who are sexually confused or constricted may recommend stricter limits or greater license than advisable. Some liberal parents focus on the attainment of intimacy and present sex as a means to intensify a relationship. Religious parents may be sexually comfortable but feel that coitus is best reserved for marriage. Even strong prohibitions can be tolerated without harming the sexual response, providing the child has a solid erotic foundation. The confident, unembarrassed youngster can inhibit sexual expression without damaging his potential. He needs to retain some outlet such as masturbation, and he needs the ongoing emotional support from family and church. As with Grace in Chapter 7, a vigorous erotic response is not incompatible with early abstinence.

Kinsey clearly demonstrates that religion is no deterrent to the erotic response, although the more devoted often delay their sexual activities. Religion can aid sex by clarifying expectations and defining roles. Religion provides the playing field with luminous markers, freshly painted goalposts and a decisive referee. However, when religious principles dictate punishment for early masturbation and the cultivation of shame, the erotic response must suffer. Most religions today no longer object on principle to preschool erotic behavior — "child's play." It's a small step from acceptance to encouragement.

Enhancing eroticism may superficially be confused with exploiting children sexually. Aren't the producers of child porno encouraging eroticism? Indeed they are — together with an utter lack of responsibility and gross dehumanization. The youngster is a commodity, as is sex itself. Tenderness is an unwelcome obstacle. The child forfeits his right to the gradual evolution of sexual interests and expertise. He pays dearly for his heightened erotic response.

The child who hasn't delivered papers, cared for younger children, mowed the lawn, or done any other meaningful work will have a problem when he enters the labor force. The youngster reared by a doting, ever helpful mother is likely to strew clothes on the floor and oversleep when in college. The child who has learned to be polite and remain silent when angry will not easily express resentment to his mate. Above all, children need to learn behavior which will serve them in good stead as adults. This concept applies to sex also. Expectations for adults and children need to match as closely as possible. In Victorian times the rigid suppression of children's sexual activities made sense, as adults were also constricted. Suppression of childhood eroticism makes less and less sense today. Now women know they are sexual beings with unsurpassed abilities and appetite. They expect a climax and hope for multiple orgasms. Now men realize that the loss of semen doesn't drain or debilitate. They understand that the more they use it, the longer it lasts, and that flabby erections are likely due to trying too hard. Both men and women see sex as a major enrichment. Yet most children learn precious little about sex except what they pick up from each other. Parents show them how not to like it. Unless there are radical changes in our parenting, the next generation will be set up for frustrations and failure, just as was the last.

Latency sex play is intense. The thrust is toward physical sensations rather than gaining knowledge or mastering anxiety. The smell, sight, and touch of other naked bodies serve as a powerful aphrodisiac. In general, sex games are played by consenting, lusty youngsters who are intrigued and titillated. Complicated formats are designed to ease the shame and share the responsibility. Group enthusiasm makes sex play hard to resist.

"Quiz show" is modeled after a famous television program. Eleanor performs for a huge imaginary prize. A trip to Europe, a sports car, or a million candy bars await her. Of course, she knows it's all for fun, and the prize provides a good excuse. Her first assignment is to stand on her head and make a face. Later she removes her panties and opens her legs. For the grand prize she must act like a movie star and clasp another contestant's small but erect penis between her thighs. Eleanor is scared and incredibly excited. She's free to leave at any time, but somehow she stays until suppertime.

Variants of "spin the bottle" are still much in evidence. Flipping coins or guessing numbers may be employed if bottles are in short supply. A closet may afford privacy for the payoff, and girls are at least as aggressive as boys. Sometimes the kiss becomes a kind of coitus — an abbreviated version, as others are waiting to spin.

"Truth, dare, and consequence" is a game played by sophisticated youngsters who apply the concept of a contractual agreement. If the child fails to tell the truth or complete the dare as contracted, then the consequences are justified. Dares are within reason, at least at first.

Larry selects "truth." Marge asks him to name the girl he likes best. Although he names a pretty fifth-grader, no one believes him and so he must pay the consequences. Larry halfheartedly objects, but the majority rules. For his consequence, he takes off his pants and dashes to a certain tree and back. The tree is in full view of a highway. With considerable skill Larry dodges behind bushes while pulling his undershirt down to cover his penis. On return he grins broadly and dives for his pants. Leslie chooses a dare. She's to bring back a flower from a nearby cemetery. She reappears in a few minutes with a golden rod. Immediately apprehended in her deception, her consequence is to demonstrate a strip show.

"Truth, dare, and consequence" is played by moral children who need a good excuse. They only agree to a nonsexual task such as "truth" or "dare." When they inevitably fail to tell the truth or complete a dare, they have a moral duty to pay the consequences. As they don't decide the consequence either, they have little responsibility in the whole matter. They're acting as good kids should, along accepted guidelines. These young innocents are of course enormously stimulated. The truths and dares are soon dispensed with and the game becomes a progression of touching, rubbing, and often genital contact. Blended with the excitement is fear, for if discovered, they must pay for their pleasure with intense humiliation. The game ends when someone imagines a footstep or when another recalls that his mother may be searching.

A latency-age boy possesses monumental erectile capacity. When ejaculation isn't present, he can progress from one orgasm to the next without needing to rest. From about age eight he notes a buildup phase which intensifies his pleasure. Ejaculations may begin as early as nine or ten. The middle-class boy may attempt vaginal penetration, but as neither he nor his partner is experienced, he usually settles for rubbing against the labia. The child of the slum may already have had coitus with multiple partners.

"Nudist party" is a liberated version of strip poker in which frolics and fantasy abound. All but the most constricted are inspired to enact themes that are common only on the analyst's couch. In one such party, a boy who unwittingly referred to his penis as a "wiener" was lavished with all the accouterments including bun, ketchup, mustard, and relish. His "wiener" remained happily erect in spite of the ketchup, which was fresh from the refrigerator. It was still too small for the bun, a fact which only increased the merriment. In another such party, girls decorated each available penis with streamers, balloons, and a painted face. In "nudist party" boys receive the lion's share of attention and a prodigious increase in penis pride.

Although most sex games are for fun, sex may occasionally be used to subjugate and degrade, as with Warren in Chapter 3. There are irresponsible children just as there are irresponsible adults. For some, sex is already a vehicle for anger and proof of power. The games employed by perverse children are simpler in design and focus upon rapid unilateral gratification.

Wrestling is a game which becomes increasingly erotic in latency. It's an excellent excuse for rubbing and holding that commonly ends in exhaustion when played by responsible children. An irresponsible child can use wrestling to coerce or debase. He chooses a smaller, weaker partner and attacks when there is little chance of rescue. The victim feels profoundly helpless, used, and abused. One such boy wrestled a weaker girl to the ground, forced a kiss, and then threw sand in her face. An eight-year-old girl subdued a smaller boy and sat on his chest while she pinned his arms with her feet. She then pulled his pants down in front of his friends and sauntered off. An irresponsible boy may use both physical and psychological pressures to violate a weaker child by forcing him to perform fellatio. The aggressor feels powerful and the victim degraded. The child who is that callous has usually led a disturbed and chaotic life. He has often been the victim of the same shoddy exploitation at the hands of an older child or adult.

"Chicken" is a sex game that is played by irresponsible children who shrewdly apply psychological pressure. Any child who refuses to cooperate is automatically a coward. The victim is a youngster with low self-esteem who doesn't feel potent enough to refuse, scream, run, or fight. "Chicken" is tasteless and unimaginative. The following example occurred in a grade-school playground.

Eddie threatened to tell the school principal that Chuck called him an "asshole." Chuck didn't remember saying that, but Eddie seemed certain. Eddie dramatized how the principal would twist Chuck's ear and expel him from school. If Chuck would join in a fun game, "chicken," then Eddie would forgive and forget. Chuck reluctantly chose to play. Eddie ordered him to scale the elm tree. Chuck couldn't even touch the bottom branch. Therefore Chuck was a "chicken" and Eddie could issue him any one command. Eddie graciously offered Chuck the choice of two alternatives. Either Chuck must persuade his five-year-old sister to play "chicken" or he must act as Eddie's servant for a whole week. Chuck would address Eddie as "master," do his homework, and suck his penis. If Chuck told his parents, Eddie would tell the principal about Chuck calling him "asshole."

Once compromised, a responsible child is subject to extortion and further indignities. Distrust, resentment, and a sense of utter helplessness result from this early form of rape. Children who feet impotent make excellent victims, unlikely to resist and easy to extort. Parents can help by boosting potency, defining healthy and unhealthy sex play, and citing some practical strategies.

As the vast majority of sex games are benign, and an important part of development, a positive approach to sex play is well warranted. Sex is a gift freely given and the child must learn how to give. Chums and classmates are the best teachers. Yet sex doesn't seem wholesome to many a harried parent attempting to raise a nice, socially acceptable offspring. Andrea's mother was a liberal until Andrea and her cousin locked the bedroom door to assure privacy. Now Andrea's mother is a Gestapo agent. Preston's cache of Penthouse magazines was discovered at spring housecleaning. His father gives Preston a lecture about not wasting brainpower and respecting women. Claude was caught making arrangements for a group sex party. His mother is too upset to deal with him. She sends him to his room to await his father.

Paying no attention is better than an inquisition, and a talk about the facts of life is a step in the right direction, but what's really needed is a discussion and an exchange of ideas. Yet a question like "Do you engage in sex play?" elicits a stare from an eight-year-old and a loud guffaw from her fourteen-year-old brother. All but the rare sensuous child are too ashamed to admit erotic interests or activities. A circuitous approach works best. "How old was the youngest girl ever to have a baby?" "What do other kids think of the sex education class?" "Suppose a law was passed to ban either sex or violence on television — which would be best?" "Do boys ever fall in love with each other?" "Can women have babies when they aren't married?" Such indirect, reasonable questions provoke a discussion which can then be channeled toward personal concerns. Avoid pressuring the child; if there's no response, try again another day. A pregnant woman on the block or a dog in heat presents additional opportunities.

Unfortunately, talks are usually held behind closed doors with the opposite sex excluded. This adds to the aura of shame and will make conversation about sex in mixed company difficult later. Sex seems too shameful or embarrassing to share. It's best if the whole family participates, as around the dinner table. This is the most effective preparation for the later sharing of sexual concerns with a mate.

Once comfort has developed, encourage the child to express his own opinion. Let him know that his theories are valuable, and as valid for him as yours are for you. Unless the youngster reveals a blatant misconception such as "kissing causes pregnancy," facts are unnecessary. Wait until he requests more detailed data, and then comment, "You can be proud that you had the courage to ask that." Give him the information he desires, honestly and simply. Brief, anecdotal accounts of your own erotic experiences give the child permission to talk about and perhaps to indulge in sex play. It helps greatly if both parents can indicate that they enjoy making love, and often, too. Most grade-school children refuse to believe that their parents would do something like that. They feel ashamed when they even think about it. They often accept sex only as a one-shot obligation to make a baby. The absence of babies is proof of parental abstinence. Children this age can comprehend and employ terms such as "intercourse," "having sex," and "making love."

If the child is not yet masturbating, he should be. Learning how is no problem, once the child is comfortable with the concept. He needs to know that you approve, and that other children and adults masturbate also. If this becomes a problem, examine your past responses closely. Gentle Spockian admonitions may have left their mark. "I'm sure you'll grow out of it," "Do what your heart knows is best," and "Well, it depends on what kind of a boy you want to be" are sophisticated put-downs. Another subtle reproach is to rationalize masturbation by relating it to a more acceptable function. Pleasuring is tolerated because Carol must learn about her body, or because Jason is nervous and needs to relax, or because the child hasn't emerged from a certain stage. Progress is equated with the relinquishment of pleasure.

Brothers and sisters may experiment with each other. Although most sibling incest doesn't cause emotional damage, there are more diverse learning experiences available in the neighborhood. If parents wish to divert the child to more acceptable outlets, this needs to be done without exacerbating shame or damaging his response. The mother usually discovers the liaison. Her first thought is to take the more responsible child aside and lay down the law. Her second thought is to protect the children by keeping their tryst secret from other children, and perhaps the father, too. Both approaches advocate secrecy and intensify shame. A family conference with all members present is the only viable solution. If either parent is judgmental or angry, a counselor may be included in the session. At first the family meeting accentuates the misery of the incestuous pair. Shock and shame rapidly subside as the children realize that specific behavior rather than dirt, blame, or badness is the issue. Their parents are neither enraged nor devastated. Quite simply, the youngsters are to redirect their sexual interests. Pleasuring with another is delightful — outside the family.

The danger of not including the whole family in a decision that affects everyone may also arise in a vacation cabin. Sleeping arrangements are condensed, and only a curtain divides the rooms. At night a child overhears his mother's hasty whisper, "Don't, Harry — this is a bad time!" or "Not now, can't you wait?" The child understands that the mother is being forced, and that the mother dislikes sex. This is more upsetting than overhearing intercourse. Parents can avoid this by renting a larger cabin, agreeing ahead of time not to make love, or by having sex and discussing it with the whole family, either before or after. One vacationing mother herded her brood out toward the playground after lunch. "Dad and I want time to make love — we'll open the front door when we're through." The children, of course, peeked through the window.

At the conclusion of latency, the erotic child has gained expertise, a sense of fairness, and consideration for his partner. He has avoided humiliation and remains both proud and potent. He feels that his parents understand and approve of his erotic activities. Sex is a comfortable topic for the whole family.

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