Yates. Chapter 7. Enriching the Child's Sexual Response
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For vulnerable teenagers, sexual gratification is really a peripheral issue to the sexual event.
-M. W. Cohen and F. B. Friedman

Eroticism isn't the central issue for today's adolescent. Sex is twisted and stretched to serve other concerns. It's used to establish individuality, to express anger, to relate to classmates, and even to commit a kind of social suicide. Erotic activity makes a fine weapon for an angry adolescent in a sexually anxious or repressive family.

Adolescence is the time between puberty and the assumption of the adult role, whether by marriage or through entering the job force. It begins with an incredible expansion — in growth, in ability to reason, and in libido. Hormone production increases enormously, yielding sexual and aggressive urges which frighten "nice" youngsters. Girls are ashamed as breasts enlarge and pubic hair sprouts. It's as if their bodies proclaim the feelings they've tried to hide. Even the mother is banished from the bedroom when the daughter decides to undress. Boys are intrigued by the relative size of each other's genitals and are forever making unfavorable comparisons.

Broader issues eclipse eroticism. The child must pull away from parents and their principles to establish a separate self. As this process begins, the youth sees the parents' values as priggish and arbitrary. The girl who kept her room reasonably neat is angry when her mother complains that it's now a total mess. The boy who was polite and responsible is moody and unpredictable. As awful as adolescence may be for parents, it holds a high potential for emotional growth and remodeling. As adolescents form a separate self, shame may lessen, allowing the sexual response to expand.

If parents are open and enthusiastic about erotic matters, their offspring are unlikely to use sex as a weapon to assert their independence. There's no point in provoking if no one gets upset anyway. In effect, this frees sex from issues which impede its development. Battles are fought in other areas while erotic growth advances in its own inimitable fashion.

A hundred years ago, the average age of becoming an adult was fourteen, whether by marriage or by entering the work force. Now a thirty-year-old graduate student may still be an "adolescent," dependent upon his parents. Adolescence not only seems interminable — it is. Without strong religious and family supports, it becomes less and less reasonable to expect young people to refrain from coitus. By the time independence is finally achieved, the prime period for sexual learning has been left far behind. The individual is less malleable and has fewer opportunities to extend his boundaries. Dysfunctions are already well entrenched.

Janet was a seventeen-year-old girl who believed her mother's warning that "boys don't respect girls who let them do anything." Janet had been courted by only a few compliant chaps who were also family friends. Activities were well defined in advance. In the back seat Janet was so worried about what might happen next that she felt little excitement. She allowed certain caresses because "he was nice enough to take me out." She was unaware of any erotic needs of her own. When Janet turned twenty-four, her eighteen-year-old sister was married. Three months later, Janet was engaged. She attempted coitus but experienced such sharp pain that she consulted a gynecologist. He informed her that she had tight muscles and needed to relax. Janet tried desperately to relax with no success. After a year of unconsummated marriage, Janet and her husband, Larry, consulted a sex therapist, who instructed Larry to gradually insert one lubricated finger and eventually two. Bit by bit, Janet became accustomed to this strange sensation. As she relaxed, she felt pleasure for the first time. Janet was desensitized with difficulty at age twenty-five, a process that would have been simpler at age fifteen.

Parents of teenagers are in a quandary. Nothing they do seems to turn out right anyway. Many become stricter because there's so much more to restrict. One parent comments, "To hell with sex education — I just hope I can get through without strangling her!" Somehow it's worse for girls to be sexually active than for boys. Parents caution, "Watch out for those smooth-talking jocks," "Boys are just out for you-know-what," "Guys have to learn to respect girls," and "Boys are more interested in sex than girls are." As parents become more upset, the comments get stronger. "Girls who play around get venereal disease," "Boys don't respect girls who give in," and "You don't want to do something that leaves you feeling dirty, do you?" are not uncommon. Further efforts range from a heart-to-heart talk to virtual imprisonment in the house. The battlefield is now well marked. Parents are less concerned about the boys. A few wild oats are expected. However, parents may worry that the youth will forget his studies once he finds out about sex or that some loose woman will trick him into a hasty marriage via pregnancy. Sex is viewed as many things other than normal and healthy.

As the child becomes an unmistakably sexual being, the parents' own problems are brought into focus. Many a cold war becomes hot, and many an aging mentor acts like an idiot. For instance, the mother gives Virginia permission to date at age fourteen; the father accuses the mother of turning Virginia into a whore. As Sam and his father watch a passing Lolita, the father gives pointers on how to score and vividly describes the girl undressed. Melissa's exploits intrigue her mother, who insists on all the details. She emphatically states that Melissa wouldn't really do anything like that. Melissa's father listens in stony silence. Bernie's father risks a coronary in a frenzied effort to beat his son at tennis. Bernie's girlfriend is watching. Amy's mother is upset to learn that fifteen-year-old Amy is pregnant. Shortly thereafter, her mother also conceives and delivers within a week of Amy. Tanya's mother waits up anxiously each night for Tanya to return home. Her sleeping pattern is altered, so that she no longer has sex with Tanya's father. These problem parents bias the youth's eroticism through their own quirks and quandaries. To benefit the adolescent, they must first help themselves.

Sexual development in adolescence is divided into three stages. Early adolescence is the most turbulent. It starts with a growth spurt and the first signs of puberty. Girls begin as soon as ten, and boys two or three years later. Middle adolescence commences at about age fourteen in girls and a year or so later with boys. Late adolescence occurs at about seventeen and extends for an indefinite period.

Throughout the three stages, there are predictable changes in the kind and quality of relationships and the degree of responsibility and intimacy achieved. The initial turbulence decreases and social competencies increase. The sexual response progresses and matures through the three stages in concert with other changes. This is certainly true of the erotic child. However, the maturation of the erotic response depends upon the degree of shame, parental attitudes, and the absence of major conflicts.

Early Adolescence

Yesterday a happy and cooperative child, April is now a moody stranger. She resents drying dishes, eats everything in sight, and flagrantly misinterprets her mother's kindness. She spurns family outings and churlishly slams the door to her room. Her parents wonder what on earth has happened.

Beneath the facade of carefree bravado or callous indifference, the early adolescent is still notably dependent on his family. It's difficult to break away from bonds that mean so much. The youth who has the closest ties often presents as much difficulty or "turmoil" as the angry, ambivalent adolescent. Yet in order to achieve maturity he must establish a distinct self. This means a separate sexual self also. If the mother has been unwittingly seductive, severe behavior problems may arise, because the task of separation is doubly difficult.

Edith and Candy have been good friends since the fifth grade. At least one night out of each weekend is spent together. They giggle and whisper until two a.m. Candy has a crush on her math teacher and Edith is in love with Stevie Wonder. Edith is well aware that her parents won't let her date until she's sixteen; Candy knows that her math teacher is married. As they spin fantasies about a beloved, each is intensely aroused. Soon Edith is playacting; she's Candy's math teacher and this is their wedding night.

Edith and Candy are rehearsing for the future. Boys are still shorter, less developed, and kind of scary. But Edith and Candy are comfortable with one another. They understand each other's bodies and can knowingly create special sensations. Yet what do they dream about? Men.

Boys relate to boys more easily also. Two boys can travel together without being teased by a kid sister or questioned by parents. The approach is smooth and there's never any concern about who should pay the bill. Whether these young men will remain exclusively homosexual has been determined many years before.

If sex were condoned from childhood, early adolescent homosexual liaisons would be less important. Children's sex play would follow an uninterrupted continuum, gradually evolving into heterosexual coitus. In our culture, early adolescent homosexual liaisons involving sex play are frequent, normal and necessary. They pave the way to later heterosexual unions. Especially for girls, they provide remediation for the abysmal lack of earlier sex experience. Shame is ameliorated while sensate foci are developed. Girls learn what feels good and how to ask for it.

Parents who fear homosexuality will derive scant comfort from these statements. Yet simple observation can determine if the child is basically heterosexual. Let's look at Kent, age fourteen. His mother has just overheard Kent and his best friend, John, masturbating one another in the bedroom. Mother's alarmed, but pauses to evaluate the situation. Kent likes doing things best with Dad. He plays baseball with his younger bother, although lately he's been irritated when his little brother tags along. He has a picture of Farrah Fawcett on his wall, and he and John have several tattered issues of Stag stashed in the garage. Kent is eager to attend school parties, although he spends most of his time gathering courage rather than dancing. Fortunately for Kent, his mother decides against a confrontation.

Beneath the adolescent's seeming nonchalance lies vulnerability. A pimple becomes a disaster and a slip of the tongue a calamity. In a moment he can slide from a pinnacle of power to the depths of inadequacy. His perceptions waver with the tide of self-esteem. One moment his penis seems like a fine Havana cigar, and the next, like a damp cigarillo. Actions are confusing too. A girl who posts a "Keep Out" sign in red on the bathroom door so no one will see her undress sneaks off to school in a halter top in the dead of winter. Another day she goes braless beneath her brother's tee shirt, carefully hiding her nubbins under an unnecessary armful of books. She's searching for her sexual self by trying on roles and testing the reactions of others.

Although the adolescent's sense of potency can be enhanced by favorable comments about his skills or appearance, comments about the penis, the breasts, or sexual prowess are best shelved for the time being. The early adolescent is as prone to misconstrue as the five-year-old. A simple statement such as "Your penis is really growing" may be interpreted as an incestuous advance, an implication that the penis is too small, or a push toward intercourse. In the middle class, most early adolescents are totally unprepared for heterosexual coitus. Pointed comments about sex can frighten the youth and make him feel even more inadequate than he felt initially. It's also important that parents not undermine the young person's associates no matter how scruffy or obnoxious they seem. This can be accomplished without abandoning values and limits. Amy's friends use terms like "fuck" and "shit" with abandon. Mother states, "I don't like those terms and I don't want them used in my house." If Amy returns later waving the banner of free speech, her mother maintains her original principles while she reassures Amy of her intrinsic worth.

The knack of successful parenting is neither to over- nor underreact to adolescent behavior. Calmness, persistence, and patience count. Stick to your principles without shouting or striking, and without giving up, either. Reasonable rules need to be reasonably enforced. Discussions about acceptable behavior allow the youth to maintain a modicum of potency. He needs to make as many of his own decisions as possible. Regardless of how irresponsible the adolescent seems, underneath he retains the values learned in childhood. Continue to teach him by remaining strong and by caring for one another.

An early adolescent can appear much sicker than he actually is. He may have limped along with various problems for years and yet have blended in with his classmates. The surge of sexual and aggressive feelings may bring his shortcomings into sharp relief.

Fourteen-year-old Chester was such a youth. Although an excellent student, Chester was shy and had never made friends or indulged in sex play. He lived alone with his divorced mother, a responsible but mousy woman. One evening Chester left his door wide open while he lay masturbating on his bed. The apartment was tiny and Chester's room centrally located, so that his mother couldn't avoid noticing. She tried her best to pay no attention, but she was too nervous to concentrate on anything else. Finally she asked him to shut the door. Chester acted as if he didn't hear, and continued to masturbate. He repeated this performance several times each week. After a month, his mother was a nervous wreck. She consulted a male psychologist who suggested that Chester enter treatment.

The psychologist learned that Chester fully appreciated his mother's upset. Her bewilderment made him feel strong. When his therapist asked if he wanted to make love with his mother, Chester was shocked and angry. In fact, he couldn't imagine sex with anyone. Chester was dealing with the same issues as a four-year-old who plays "waterworks" or "show me." He was assessing the value of his penis. It had to be powerful if it could upset his mother like that. As Chester continued in treatment he derived a firmer sense of maleness through his therapist. He joined the ecology club, worked on the school newspaper, and gradually made friends.

Middle Adolescence

Middle adolescence begins as the youth reaches some emotional equilibrium within the family and can focus greater attention outside the home. Sports events, camping trips, and parties enable him to meet the opposite sex and gradually overcome shyness. Friends provide the encouragement and soon liaisons can be made. Formal dates seem uncomfortable while casual encounters are not. The middle adolescent of fourteen to sixteen is in a unique position, admirably suited to erotic growth. Boys can have frequent ejaculations with little respite. Both sexes have boundless energy and multiple opportunities. Pleasuring can easily be enriched when the level of shame permits. Tomorrow seems far away. Concepts such as security and commitment are not yet relevant. Sex can truly be a gift freely given, with no strings attached. Although few middle-class adolescents are comfortable enough to take full advantage, this is the second golden age of sexual growth. A host of secluded nooks await an evening's tryst. There's time to concentrate and the ingenuity to create new combinations of old sensations. Flesh is warm and soft, and smells as good as mother did. The delights of infancy can be realized once more through taste, touch, and smell. Without the yoke of solemn promises and "forever" expectations, learning proceeds swiftly.

Middle adolescence is the last whistle-stop before issues such as constancy and commitment appear. Contacts are indeed more superficial and selfish than in adulthood. They are not as scary as when there's a real commitment. The boy or girl doesn't risk as much, is less vulnerable and freer to experiment. For instance, it's easier to learn how to argue constructively when the sky isn't about to fall on your head. Through multiple couplings, the youth appreciates what sort of partner is comfortable and what kind of relationship fulfilling. He develops social and erotic competencies as well as a sense of self. (Bryt, 1976) The adolescent who takes entire advantage of this period is unlikely ever to need a sex clinic.

The sexually anxious adolescent isn't free to experiment. A host of contingencies and hazy concerns about reputation and respect prevent him from forming multiple contacts. He's restricted to quasi-meaningful relationships that limit learning. Sixty years ago sex was acceptable only in marriage; thirty years ago an engagement provided tacit permission. Now "going steady," a watered-down commitment, is the standard rationale. Yet, any commitment is an obligation that blocks the acquisition of knowledge and experience. The "nice" middle-class adolescent is a good prospect for sex therapy in the future.

As the mistrust and overreactions of early adolescence fade, parents may again deal directly but gently with erotic issues. Although the enthusiastic youth needs no urging, his timid cousin may benefit from a brief comment: "The time when you feel comfortable is the time to begin" or "These are the years to learn all you can, so you know what's right for you" or "This is the season to explore; you can settle with just one later." The message is that sex is wholesome and that the adolescent is capable of making independent decisions. Be careful not to urge the youth who's far from ready, as this can only increase his helplessness.

Pragmatic issues must be discussed. Venereal disease and contraception head the list. Deliver useful information matter-of-factly. Types of contraception, their efficacy, and where to find them are important matters. If venereal disease has been understood as a malady that rots the sex organs, then correction, reassurance, and information about treatment are indicated. Sex and Birth Control by Lieberman and Peck and Youth and Sex: Pleasure and Responsibility by Gordon Jensen are useful supplements.

A boy needs to know that ejaculation, however frequent, is normal and doesn't debilitate or cause mental problems. Those archaic concepts are still alive in the locker room. Ejaculations may be presented as an intensely pleasurable gift, infinitely renewable. The youth needs to know that quality is more important than quantity of orgasms. He could have inferred the opposite from seeing an erotic movie where the hero fires away like a twenty-gauge shotgun into a dozen damsels. He needs to know that no man is always capable of an erection and that erections may wilt as anxiety mounts.

The girl without a firm erotic foundation has at best a fragile response. Shyness, shame, and formless apprehensions are enough to sabotage pleasure. She needs to know that an insufficient response isn't unusual, but that it does constitute a problem, for which there is definite remediation. She may need to develop her erotic response through masturbation. Only the most comfortable of mothers can impart this information without anxiety. Fortunately, instructions are available in books such as Becoming Orgasmic by Heiman, LoPiccolo, and LoPiccolo. The mother can purchase the book and offer to discuss it or to provide lubricants and mechanical devices if the girl wishes. If there's no lock on her bedroom door, get one.

For centuries, a girl's power has been to withhold favors while continuing to attract. If she yielded to temptation, her value in the flesh market would plummet. Passivity, stubborn refusal, and absence of lust contributed to her image as a "nice girl." These concepts are still very much in evidence. A girl needs to know that she possesses as strong a sex drive as a boy and that her satisfaction is equally important. She needs to assume the ultimate responsibility for her own arousal, which means finding out what pleases, and asking for it. She needs to understand that nice girls do talk about and can initiate sex, and that fantasies are both enjoyable and useful. You can support her right to decide what she wants and when she wants it. She needs practice in saying "yes," just as she needs practice in saying "no." For the latter, she should be aware that boys aren't harmed by not being able to ejaculate.

Most parents paddle upstream in order to accept these concepts which contradict so many traditional values. The occasional comfortable parent is less upset by the intense but evanescent liaisons of the adolescent. It's as if the youth has been granted a season's pass to an amusement park. A pass is a very special award; the season is brief and will soon be over. This is a special dispensation in the service of knowledge. His mistakes are allowed and his sexuality accepted.

Acknowledgment of sexual behavior in adolescence doesn't mean that responsibility is dead. The responsible child retains some consideration for the partner throughout adolescence and returns to full accountability as an adult. In order to learn efficiently the youth must be self-serving in his relationships. Free and fickle, he gathers the nectar and avoids the consequences. Oddly enough, this inconstancy becomes the basis for later commitment. The experience gained through multiple relationships enables him to know who he is and what he stands for. He emerges with a coherent self. For the first time he has something real to commit to another. (Erickson, 1968)

Erotic movies are ostensibly forbidden and therefore more intriguing to the teenager. Entrance is easy, and the experience entertaining to say the least. Although some material can be upsetting, the eroticism rarely is. These movies are less attractive to girls than to boys simply because they're made by men, for men. Men are portrayed as infinitely potent and women as receptacles entranced by the proficiency of the penis. Heroines savor the taste of semen as they would a cheese fondue. When adolescents attend pornographic films, the result is an immediate arousal. Intercourse or masturbation is more likely in the hours which follow. Perverse scenes aren't imitated unless the tendency already exists. Repeated exposure to erotic movies dulls the appetite and lessens the effect.

Pornographic films are also an adjunct to sex therapy. Inhibited adults view scenes of masturbation, homosexuality, and coitus in technicolor. This facilitates communication and aids in the exploration and acceptance of erotic needs. Fantasies inspired by the films may be used to promote or intensify an orgasm. Adolescents who sneak into adult movies partake of the same process.

Males have traditionally been easily aroused at the sight of a nude woman. Yet only a minority of women are excited when they see a naked man. A number report mild revulsion on viewing a penis, which reflects a longstanding inhibition of their sexual response. However, women are changing. Dr. Seymour Fisher states that: "...not only are many women highly aroused by visual stimuli (some women reach a level of arousal that few men attain) but also that the main differences between the two sexes are small and almost nonexistent in the most recent samples studied. ... I would suggest that the small differences which now are detected will disappear as soon as it is more socially acceptable for women to be 'turned on' by visual sexual stimuli, and also to admit it freely."

Still, many girls touch a penis as if they could catch poison ivy. Even at the varsity swim meet they avoid glancing below the waist. The less constricted describe the penis as small or large but never as impressive or handsome. Yet the girl who can delight in the sight of the male organ will enjoy her mate's, thus adding to the pleasure of both. How can a parent facilitate this? A mother can aid the adolescent girl by demonstrating active appreciation. She can glowingly appraise a graceful Greek youth, sans fig leaf, at the museum of ancient history, or an eloquent etching from The Joy of Sex. The purchase of a painting, certain posters, or even a subscription to Playgirl can carry the message.

When the second golden age is over, the erotic adolescent has the knowledge and the expertise. He's comfortable with his own sexuality. He knows what he is, what he wants, and in good measure how to get it.

Late Adolescence

As the late teen contemplates further school or vocational aspirations, the character of his relationships changes. Trial and error is no longer necessary. The hectic pace slows and values are reassessed. Mutual interests, satisfaction, and cooperation come to mean more than the partner's worth in the flesh market. Selfishness yields to loyalty and sharing. These changes are possible only because the youth's identity has crystallized. His path is clear and his goals defined. A commitment can be made and intimacy is at hand.

Very few adolescents make a lasting commitment at the age of seventeen, and intimacy is a process that evolves at least into the early twenties. A number never progress beyond mid-adolescence, but continue to form self-serving liaisons as adults. They choose a partner for status, as a window display, or for security. Through marriage they may gain a servant, a bank account, or a mechanical aid to masturbation.

To the sexually astute older adolescent, parents are no longer the givers of allowance or takers of privileges. They're separate people with distinct erotic needs and interests. The mature erotic adolescent expects parents to be sexually active, and encourages their eroticism.

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