Chapter II
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To paraphrase Gertrude Stein, "Orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm." Many people feel that's true. Yet our research has convinced us that orgasms differ in intensity as well as in the satisfaction they give. A woman mated to a man who has no control over when he reaches orgasm often has this complaint, which we hear from many of our female clients: "He just wants his own pleasure. He uses me. He gets it up, puts it in, ejaculates—and it's all over. Where are all the good feelings I'm supposed to have?"

No wonder many women reject sex. No wonder the pat joke "Not tonight, Harry, I have a headache" strikes such a responsive cord in so many hearts.

Yet, is it fair to demand that a man go against what he believes is his nature? Isn't it asking a lot of a busy man, tired from a day's work, that he spend hours "giving" sexual pleasure to his wife through foreplay, when he receives little benefit from what he is doing? It would appear that both the man and the woman in such a situation have a solid basis for a knock-down, drag-out argument.

But argument is not what two people in love want. They want to increase their mutual pleasure, not defend its nonexistence.
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One husband we treated described his feelings as he built up to orgasm. “It's hard for me to take pleasure myself," he explained. "I feel almost guilty about it. I was raised where it was considered sinful." He admitted that he believed the adage "It is more blessed to give than to receive," but that sometimes he had to take his own pleasure despite his recognition that such an act was selfish.


Sex in the Modern Marriage

"If we can't work out our sexual problems, we're going to get a divorce." June, one of our clients, sat stiffly beside her husband. She was very close to tears. "We've been married a year, now, and neither one of us is satisfied sexually. We just don't know what's the matter. We love each other, and we have so much in common. We go to the same church, we both want two children, we come from the same social set. Generally, we want the same things out of life. But sex is important to us both—too important to ignore."

Their sex relationship was marred by the same inequities that affect many unions. Jim felt guilty when he sought satisfaction for himself before June was satisfied, yet he could not continue intercourse long enough to please his wife. Before she married Jim, June had dreamed of nights of ecstasy. Like many women in our society, she had read a number of books dealing with female multi-orgasm, and her expectations were high.

They always indulged in foreplay, hoping it would help June have at least one sexual climax. This often included oral contact and caressing. But Jim could continue such sex play for only a limited time before he felt a need to drive toward his own orgasm.

June and Jim are typical of many of our clients. They know enough to recognize that a problem exists. They might even realize that if they don't solve the problem in their present marriage, it will haunt them in any future relationship they may establish. But they have been unable to find guidance among their peers or their elders, either because they hesitate to ask, or because they can find no one who understands their dilemma.
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We found June and Jim to be ideal subjects. With a sound relationship in all areas other than sexual, they were willing to work together to improve their sex lives. They had the motivation, the desire, and the time.

As Jim learned how to have more than one orgasm during one sexual encounter, he was able to satisfy June without feeling "put upon," as he often had when he performed cunnilingus (oral stimulation) for a long period of time.

The breakthrough came when Jim realized that when he used the technique for developing his own multi-orgasmic potential, he did not have to consider his orgasm as putting an end to their shared sexual pleasure. Instead, with June, he built on his first orgasm, bringing them both to new "highs" that gave them more mutual enjoyment.

This couple came to the Center hoping to balance their sexual pleasure, so they could hold on to a marriage that in other ways was happy. What they learned was a new route to greater intimacy, a pathway that enhanced every aspect of their lives.


One Man Alone

Another type of person who makes an ideal "student" of multi-orgasms is the single man. He wants each sexual encounter he has to give both himself and his partner optimum pleasure. Even though he isn't involved in any specific relationship that he wants to preserve, he, too, has the motivation, the desire, and the time to explore his own capabilities for multi-orgasm.
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Many single men who have come to us for help acknowledge that they hope to marry sometime in the future. They are looking for skills that will put their sexual relationship on a sound basis at the very beginning, and are convinced that only if they prove to be superior lovers will they get the woman they want.

Follow-up of our single clients has uncovered an interesting fact. Often, after going through our sex therapy program, a man will seem to be more relaxed about sex in general. It is possible that he feels so much more secure in his sexual ability that he no longer has the need to prove himself with every woman he dates. He seems to have less fear, apprehension, and anxiety regarding sex than he had before. When he does again begin a sexual relationship with a woman, that relationship usually results in marriage.


Sex as Recreation—the New Way

Any man or woman who recognizes that sex has recreational value, besides its traditional function of procreation, should be able to accept the importance of balancing all shared sexual pleasure. We live in a world that is developing severe problems caused by overpopulation. It is patently ridiculous to suggest that the ideal cure for this is a cessation of all sex except when children are wanted. The obvious answer is for society to accept recreational sex as valuable, and to encourage individuals to learn all they can to make any sex they have as mutually pleasurable as possible.

For some people, sex has been—and will remain—a way to release tension. And this, too, is a valid use of the activity. But when the element of fun is added, as it is in recreational sex, pleasure is increased while the "tension release" value of the mating is in no way diminished. Under such circumstances, the complaint that sex is exploitive loses its validity.

And when, in the sharing of sexual fun, both partners are capable of enjoying many orgasms, all elements of exploitation disappear.
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Most people acknowledge that there are many reasons for enjoying sex. We have mentioned a few—procreation, release of tension, the expressing of affection—but there are many others that rise from the intimate relationships of men and women. Whatever the motivation that brings a male and female together, except possibly the desire for children, the sex they share can be improved when the man matches his partner in his ability to have repeated orgasms. So there are, certainly, quite a few reasons why a man would seek to become multi-orgasmic.

For us, however, only two reasons stand out as critical. First, there is the natural wish any individual has to increase his ability to have pleasure. Second, there is the role multiple orgasms play in developing intimacy. As we have said earlier, the more time spent in close contact, the greater the chance for intimacy.

Intimacy and closeness are, to be sure, far more than sexual technique. But, as is so often the case, the mastery of technique opens the door to greater unity between partners, which, until they both learned to experience the same kind of orgasmic response, was denied to them.

So the answer to the question in the title of this chapter is clear. Men certainly have reason to be interested in learning to have multiple orgasms. Such knowledge will make sex more fun for them, and turn one-sided foreplay into far more pleasurable extended intercourse.

Women have an equally selfish reason for wanting their partners to be multi-orgasmic. One woman remarked that she felt guilty when she asked her man to "give" her more than one orgasm, since he, himself, could have only one. She heard him say he enjoyed performing cunnilingus, but she could never quite believe him. When he learned to have multiple orgasms, her feelings of guilt faded, for she could see that he got as much enjoyment as she did from the long periods they spent sharing sex.
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And therein lies the basis of this entire book. As sex counselors and therapists, we want to help men and women develop intimacy in their relationships. We feel that with this pleasurable extension of the time spent in sexual union, a couple can solidify their union. They can explore the fun of togetherness—the richness of total intimacy. And in such a relationship, they can both grow.

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