Chapter IV
<< For Some, It’s Natural >>
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In the fifteen years of her work as a sex therapist, Mrs. Fithian has taken well over a thousand sex histories of functional and dysfunctional men, each one lasting from three to seven hours. Briefer histories of several thousand men have been taken during consultation by Dr. Hartman. In addition, many of the male research subjects have been interviewed extensively and their sex histories taken.

In all of these interviews, certain common factors appear. By far most of the men learned about sex when young, through contact with friends who often knew no more than they did. Also, the majority of the men interviewed said they didn't know what to expect. They had not been told about erections* and/or orgasms by parents or companions, so that in most cases, they were frightened by their first sexual experiences.
    * An erection is the stiffening or hardening of the penis caused by the flow of blood into empty chambers or cylinders in the penis called corpora cavernosa.
    When sexual arousal occurs the penis elongates and thickens. A small penis when flaccid usually increases in size more than a large flaccid penis, so that penile size tends to even out at erection.
    During the early phases of the sexual arousal process the testicles will elevate toward the body.
    As a man ages the penis may not make as extensive a swing from a flaccid to erect state.


Scared by the Power of Sex

Steve's story is typical. He was put to bed at the same time every night, whether he was sleepy or not. So, when he didn't feel like sleeping, he'd masturbate. At first, his inexperienced "playing with himself" helped him go to sleep. But then, one night, everything changed.
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"I was awake longer than usual, and as I played with myself, my penis began to swell up. I didn't know what was happening, but it did feel good, so even though I was a bit frightened, I kept it up for quite a while."

He never told any of his friends, partly because he was naturally shy, and partly because his family moved a lot, and he never felt very close to any boys his own age. "No one ever told me anything," he reports. "And though I did it again, occasionally, I didn't really know what was happening."

Then, when he was about twelve, "I ejaculated. I was really scared. I got it all over the sheets, and I can't remember what frightened me more, my fear that I had hurt myself some way or my fear of what Mom would say about the mess I'd made.

I didn't quit, even though I was scared. I figured I was already doomed, and it felt too good for me to never do it again. But after that I was more careful. I used a pillowcase the second time I ejaculated, and stuffed it down near the bottom of the laundry. I wonder now what Mom thought about all those pillowcases, but she never said anything to me about them."

In spite of his mother's evident tolerance of his act, he still was sure she would not approve of what he was doing. "I really felt guilty about it. It's strange, because no one ever told me it was bad. But, then, no one ever said it was good, either."

John, another subject, said he began masturbating when he was five. "It always felt terrific. But I still was sure it was wrong, somehow. I remember I used to do it under the covers, where no one would see."
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Then, when he was about twelve, he was "doing my usual thing when, all of a sudden, this stuff spurted out and it felt all wet." He was scared, turned on the light, and tried to decide what had happened. "I was certain that I was leaking my insides out, and that I was going to die." But there was no blood, and he could see that he hadn't urinated, so he decided to say nothing to anyone. However, he avoided masturbation for some time after that, convinced that what had happened was not good, even though it had felt fine. "I finally overheard a friend talking about masturbating, and I realized then that ejaculation was normal. So I again dared to do it. But I suppose I never quite recovered from my fright and the anxiety I felt about it. And I was always careful to keep from messing my bed again."

Sean, on the other hand, heard about ejaculation when he was very young. His erections began when he was eight, and he learned from his older friends what he could expect. "I used to worry a lot. Not because I ejaculated, but because I didn't. I never quite understood that it was quite normal for a boy of eight to have erections, but that he wouldn't ejaculate until he was close to twelve. Even without ejaculation, I had some wonderful experiences."

We know now that children under the age where ejaculation takes place often have multi-orgasmic experiences, which they enjoy very much. However, when they reach puberty and ejaculation takes place it is such a startling experience that they never again feel that their pre-ejaculation orgasms were very important.

Biologically, this is true. Certainly, a man must ejaculate if he is going to eject sperm and sire a child. But we aren't speaking of biology—or of the conditions needed for reproduction. We're speaking now of orgasm only. A peak sexual experience. And each time we have the chance to interview a man about his childhood sexual experiments, we find the same thing. He describes, in retrospect, what appears to be nonejaculatory orgasms—exactly what is needed if a man is to have repeated orgasms without tiring. What these men learned either from us or through experimenting on their own is that both kinds of orgasms are still possible. A man who learns the technique for having multiple orgasms can decide each time he has a sexual experience what he wants for himself and for his partner.
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Different Cultures—Different Expectations

In the United States, we think of a fifteen-year-old as a child. This approach is not reflected in many parts of the modern world. There are still places where a fifteen-year-old is considered a man, capable of marrying, siring children, and providing for his family. In the current Iran-Iraq war "men" in their early teens are sent into battle. In some countries boys are considered men as soon as they can ejaculate (sire children).

Let's not be too quick to condemn this view. In the early American colonies, a youth often went to work when he was nine or ten, married at fifteen (or even younger), and set up his own, independent household with a bride close to his own age, or a bit older. Life expectancy was short, not much more than twenty-five to thirty years, and so reproduction had to start early if a man was to care for his children until they could be on their own.

Each year since then, with improvements in medical care and nutrition, life expectancy has increased for both men and women. The age for starting work, for assuming family responsibilities—for accepting an adult role in society—was pushed back, first to late teens, and now into early or mid-twenties. But physically our bodies haven't altered to fit our new circumstances. "Children" of twelve are still capable of having children. Maybe, in some future time, nature will adapt to this alteration in society. Maybe then girls and boys will not mature physically until their twenties. But so far there has been no indication of such a change taking place. Girls, in fact, mature earlier now than they did in the past, since they generally have far better nutrition than their grandmothers did.
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This lag between physical and social maturity has created many problems. Once, for example, religious groups encouraged early marriage, both to comply with God's decree that they "increase and multiply," and because of St. Paul's admonition that "It is better to marry than to burn." Now, more and more religious groups recognize the need for population control, and many are accepting birth control as essential to a stable society. Although there are churches still strongly opposed to abortion, the trend toward birth control still exists.

Even in rural areas of America, where in the past large families were common, there's been a definite drop in family size. The reason is obvious. In the past, farm children were farmhands. Now machinery has supplanted child labor, and production has increased. Children have lost their value as cheap labor. So farmers, like their city brothers, have small families. In most Western countries, sex, if it is to be indulged in at all, must be enjoyed as a pleasure—with any possibility of conception carefully avoided. Children, when they come, are "wanted," not accidents. The old religion-based idea that sex must be indulged in only for the purpose of having children is no longer accepted by many people, both in and out of the church.

This change in outlook toward sex is spreading around the world, as one country after another becomes aware of the hazards of overpopulation. A country moving from primitive culture into a "modern" mechanized society may adopt birth control, abortion, or sometimes even consider homosexuality as a viable way of avoiding too high a birth rate.
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We can see the change in our acceptance of what, in the past, was considered pornographic. Books on pleasurable sex are common today. A few years ago, they would have been banned as obscene. The current trend toward renting and buying X-rated movies by couples and singles for viewing in the privacy of their own homes is further indication of acceptance of material formerly seen as pornographic.

The first result of this awareness of sex as a pleasurable recreation appeared about twenty years ago with an increased emphasis on the woman's enjoyment of the sex act. Now we have come full circle. True, a woman needs to enjoy sex. No one today would consider advocating that she should return to the old idea that sex is something a man does and a woman endures.

But neither should a woman be the only one to enjoy extended sex. One of the side effects of sex for pleasure is a growing awareness that men, too, need to receive more than a momentary surge of pleasure from sex play, if it is to be continued for any length of time.


How Does This Affect You—and Your Partner?

Like an earthquake, according to one woman. She could barely contain her enthusiasm when she talked to us.

"Hey, it's great! Before, Jack hardly got in me before he came. Now he goes long enough for me to really have a good one. It's nice for me—and for him, too. I don't feel so nervous about him anymore. I was always afraid he'd come and end everything. Now, if he does come as we're really in it, it doesn't change things, and if I feel him coming—you know, his penis kind of jerks—it turns me on more. I really dig it."

Shari, another client at our sex clinic, had listened to everything we told her and Terry, her husband, about "dry" orgasms, and their importance in developing multi-orgasmic response in a man. She was ecstatic the first time Terry had an orgasm without ejaculating.
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It happened while they were practicing the nondemand pleasuring exercise that is part of our treatment. She was using the squeeze technique to help him delay his orgasm. For them, this was the most important part of their therapy. Their otherwise happy marriage was threatened by his inability to "hold off" long enough for her to come during intercourse.

They were six days into a two-week intensive therapy program, and had been assigned, as part of their daily exercises, to practice nondemand pleasuring. "What happened," Terry explained, "is that I was turned on by the body caressing and the quiet vagina, and I was ready to ejaculate when we started doing the pleasuring, nondemand thing. Then something strange happened. She had to squeeze me about every minute for seven or eight minutes, and I thought I'd lost it. You know, I waited too long for her to begin the squeezing." (The "quiet vagina" is practiced by inserting the penis in the vagina and then remaining completely still until the man's erection subsides. Sometimes this nonmoving form of intercourse can be continued for a long time with neither ejaculation nor loss of erection occurring.)

He had violent contractions of the pelvic muscles but he didn't ejaculate. "Not at all. I kept my full erection, and then we went on for eleven more minutes without any problem. It was great. I've never been able to take that much handling before without coming. But this time I built up again, and I had all those nice feelings of orgasm, but I didn't come then, either. I didn't ejaculate at all."

We talked about the difference between an orgasm with ejaculation and one without, and of the importance of separating the two kinds of orgasms in one's mind. Shari and Terry agreed that what he had experienced was both new to him and very exciting.
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"It was just like when he really comes," Shari explained. "But he didn't fade away, like he used to. And I had a breakthrough, too. I had a little orgasm, with him inside me. I've never had that happen before. He always quit too soon." She rated her "little orgasm" at about four on a scale of ten. Not great, certainly—but a good beginning. As they continued their practice, her response improved. He took great pleasure in his ability to have "dry" orgasms, which let him continue until she had orgasms, too. By the time their therapy was ended, she was having strong orgasms during intercourse.

There is one important point regarding Terry's problem with coming quickly. Like most men, he assumed that the only acceptable way to perform coitus was to thrust violently as soon as he entered. During therapy, and while practicing the nondemand pleasuring technique, he learned to move more slowly, allowing his excitement to build up over a longer period of time. This technique intensifies the pleasure a man has in intercourse, and gives his partner time to build up to orgasm.

It would seem, certainly, that anything that can enhance and enrich a relationship, especially if it is easily accomplished and makes sex more pleasurable, is worth the time and effort it takes to learn. Strangely enough, it is sometimes the woman who is so set in her idea of a man's role in intercourse that she makes it impossible for him to use his ability to have multiple orgasms during intercourse.

Jack, another subject of ours, talked to us at length about his multi-orgasmic pattern. When we asked him if it ever occurred when he had intercourse, he shook his head. "The women I date don't seem to like me to continue once I have an orgasm. Once I kept on after my first orgasm, and my partner got all bent out of shape. She made it clear she thought I was weird. Men just didn't behave that way. So I don't do it with partners anymore. Only when I masturbate."

He admitted that all this might change if he settled on one steady relationship. "Then I could talk it all out with her, so she'd understand."
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Possibly this attitude on the part of Jack's female partners was due to their age. Jack was in his early twenties, and the women he dated were younger. Most of them knew little about sex, other than "how to do it." All of them seemed to have definite ideas about what was going to happen. Variations from the expected seemed to frighten them.


Are Swingers Masters of Multiple Orgasms?

Early in our research, we developed contacts with a number of swingers (sometimes called "mate-swappers"), visiting with them during their "parties," and even speaking to groups of swingers on invitation. We had some expectations of our own regarding the groups as a whole. We assumed that most women swingers would be multi-orgasmic, and that the men would also be skilled at the techniques needed to extend sexual pleasure.

To our surprise, we found that our expectations were not reflected in fact. The common statement was "As soon as Harry shoots his wad, he's finished." The women, too, generally had not experienced multiple orgasms. Most participants in swinging rested between encounters until they felt stimulated by some new partner to "go at it" again.

This has changed in recent years. Now more women and men are reporting multi-orgasmic responses, either their own or a partner's.

We recently conducted research on an older subject and his fifty-five-year-old partner. Both were swingers who enjoyed sex a great deal. Both were married to spouses who showed no interest in sex. Incidentally, both felt that their marriages were basically good, and didn't want them threatened by indiscriminate "sleeping around." Swinging, for them, was the solution.
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These two met at a swinging party and found that they enjoyed the same kind of slow, multi-orgasmic sex. They soon decided that the parties were unnecessary. Instead, they began to meet at motels, where they could enjoy sex undisturbed. And, somewhere along the way, they heard of our research and decided it might be "fun" to let us test them.

Their typical pattern was to meet first at a motel for a three-to-four-hour session, and then come to the Center for further intercourse, with our nine-channel monitoring devices connected. They were ideal subjects. They functioned with limited movement, which simplified the attachment of our devices, and they were willing to talk to us during their testing, telling us what was "going on" with them. They came to us for monitoring about half-a-dozen times.

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