Chapter VI
<< The Solitary Player >>
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It's a touchy subject. We all remember what our parents used to say about masturbation. Even adults who consider themselves free from childhood conditioning often shy away from open discussion of what Webster's Dictionary defines as "erotic stimulation of the genital organs commonly resulting in orgasm and achieved by manual or other bodily contact exclusive of sexual intercourse, by instrumental manipulation, occasionally by sexual fantasies, or by various combinations of these agencies."

Kinsey has, for years, been the authority on sex, even in the minds of those who have never read his works. According to him, masturbation is "any sort of self stimulation which brings erotic arousal." In addition, he defines masturbation as; "deliberate self stimulation."

Many readers of his writing might feel that by using the word deliberate, he was condemning masturbation. "Deliberate" indeed! If it's deliberate, the assumption is that it must be bad! What's unfortunate about this assumption on the part of any reader is that Kinsey was a scientist. He described and studied. He did not judge.
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Ministers have a more judgmental attitude toward the act, though their definitions are similar to Kinsey's and Webster's. Summed up, they consider masturbation manual self-stimulation for a pleasurable purpose. Which purpose, when pressed, they admit is "ejaculation." They seemed to find it difficult to separate the act from their concept of it as "spilling of seed," which they claim is directly forbidden in the Bible. Even ministers who do not oppose contraception seemed opposed to masturbation.

When we pointed out the inconsistency of their attitude, they replied that "contraception isn't 100 percent effective. There still is a chance that conception can occur. But to just waste the seed—that isn't right."

We find this an interesting dichotomy. The biblical story of Onan, on which the prohibition against masturbation is based, seems to us to have other overtones.

Onan was expected to impregnate his dead brother's wife, since his brother had died without having a son. At the time, this was common cultural practice, since the high death rate (pestilence, wars, infant mortality) made every birth an important event. For his own reasons, Onan withdrew during intercourse and "spilled his seed on the ground."

For this sin, God put him to death. Why? Maybe because he refused to obey an order. Maybe because he "argued" with God. Maybe because he wanted his sons by his own wife, rather than the son he might give his older brother's wife, to be inheritors of his father's lands and fortune. Or maybe because he felt loyalty to his wife and didn't want to "spread his seed," even if it was culturally acceptable.

But times have changed. Today we have problems of over—not under—population. We are constantly being warned by ecologists and scientists studying population growth that we must cut down on the birthrate if we are to save the earth from destruction. Yet, with this new set of values, there are still many people who cling to the old rules. We are taught that masturbation is "bad," and that the best role for a woman is motherhood.
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But we are, fortunately, rational people. We can change our attitudes once we recognize that these prohibitions against masturbation are not applicable today. Unfortunately, that doesn't make them any less real to those who accept them. Sex therapists must deal with the feelings a person has about masturbation before they can use masturbation as a form of therapy.


Are We Alone?

Fortunately, we aren't. In 1972, the American Medical Association published a book called Human Sexuality. In it were several references to masturbation, all of them favorable. "Masturbation," one statement said, "is a normal part of adolescent sexual development and requires no medical management."

In another place the reference was even more permissive. "Masturbation is practiced by men and women of all ages, often as a supplement to marital coitus, and women tend to masturbate more often as they grow older."

Irwin Marcus, M.D., a psychoanalyst, remarked that "Refuting the misconceptions about masturbation that have been handed down over thousands of years, modern researchers have found that it can hardly be considered a rare, unusual, or abnormal human activity."

Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., in his book Male Sexuality, includes an entire chapter on masturbation. What's more, he defends this act in the following way: "First it is one of the best ways of enhancing your sexuality and overcoming any sexual difficulties you may be experiencing. This is especially true for men without partners. Second, masturbation as practiced by many men is not as pleasurable as it might be and, moreover, is accompanied by feelings of guilt or shame. Overcoming some of these negative feelings enables you better to enjoy your autoerotic practices."
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Jack Annon, Ph.D., in his two-volume work The Behavioral Treatment of Sexual Problems, also notes the importance of masturbation in resolving sexual problems.

So we're not alone. Not at all. Most serious sex researchers agree that masturbation, far from being harmful, is actually one of the most valuable tools available for treating sexual problems. If you want to read more about what these and other researchers have said, read Chapter Fourteen.


So It’s Normal to Masturbate, Is It?

Yes, it is. Perfectly normal. And Kinsey was right. Almost every American boy masturbates at some time or another before he matures.

To refresh you as to what Kinsey actually learned, here are a few statistics. He found that 95 percent of all American men who had a high school education had masturbated by the time they reached twenty-one. The figure for men who attended college was a bit higher. He was talking about "deliberate self stimulation," not accidental hand-genital contact such as scratching. So the question of whether it is "good" or "bad" is moot. The fact remains that masturbation is practiced commonly by most males.

So what's the point of feeling guilty about it? There are so many reasons for masturbating, all of them valid. Some men masturbate just for the pleasure it gives them. Others do it to relieve tension, and not necessarily sexual tension, either. Some use masturbation only when they have no partner available, and others use masturbation to maintain their multi-orgasmic abilities or just to keep their sex functions operating, even when they have regular partners.
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Furthermore, men masturbate in different ways. A man accustomed to the idea that orgasm and ejaculation are synonymous will masturbate until he has an orgasm. One orgasm. Then he's through. A man who is multi-orgasmic will be accustomed to continuing his coital activity for a longer time, and so he'll use the same techniques when he masturbates that work when he has sex with a partner. If you want to become multi-orgasmic, you need to learn to do what these men do.

Are we saying what you think we are?

Absolutely! If you want to become multi-orgasmic, use masturbation as the most direct route to learning this new skill.

Is there a danger that you'll become addicted to masturbation? Not if you weren't before.

Do you consider masturbation "kid stuff?" So do a number of our clients, but when they realize how valuable it can be as a learning tool, they are glad they ignored their first reaction.

Let's analyze this once more. What is the major difference between a multi-orgasmic and a single-orgasmic man?

Nothing physical. Multi-orgasmic men aren't bigger, thinner, fatter, younger, or stronger than men who have single orgasms. The only difference is that a multi-orgasmic man continues his coital activities longer than a man who is singly-orgasmic.

That's what you're going to work toward. The ability to last—and therefore to enjoy sex (coitus)—for a longer period than you do now. It's as simple as that. Through the use of masturbation, you're going to learn to have a number of "dry" orgasms without losing your erection. This will most likely be a gradual process.

Another point to remember. You'll establish a pattern when you have multiple orgasms during masturbation. Some men find that their first orgasm comes very quickly (within a minute) after they begin to masturbate. If you are like that, don't worry that this will not fit with your partner's pattern when you share sex with her. All the men we have worked with easily learned how to go longer.

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You Already Know How to Masturbate? Don’t Be So Sure!

Who taught you how to masturbate?

No one?

Then how did you learn?

There's not much chance that it was a subject that appeared in your college curriculum. Certainly you never had a lesson on masturbation in high school or in the fifth-grade health class.

Oh, you just "kind of picked it up," when you were a kid? You did what felt good, and kept it up? .Like the men we talked about earlier in this book?

That's certainly a lot better than not learning at all. But there are certain skills that would make your masturbation more effective. That's what you'll learn here.

We are convinced that masturbation has an important role in every person's life, whether married or not. And this is why.

It all comes back to a discussion of sex in general. What is sex, after all? What are we saying to a partner when we have intercourse?

Oh, you tell her you think she's beautiful. You say you love her. Sounds great. But is that what your actions are saying?

Jeannie, a client of ours, was very open about her reactions to the reason for much of the sex she had with her husband. "I love to have intercourse with Joe—most of the time. I know he loves me, and it's a wonderful way of showing it. But there are times . . ."

Joe looked surprised. This was one of our "together sessions," when some of the problems a couple faces are talked out.

Jeannie continued, not looking at her husband. "When he uses me to get rid of the tensions from his job. I've had it. I feel used . . ." her voice dropped, ". . . and abused."
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We could see that Joe was still in shock. So we concentrated on Jeannie. "How would you feel about him masturbating at a time like that?"

"I wish he would." Jeannie looked up now, directly at Joe. "He's ruining our relationship."

Now we turned to Joe. "How do you feel about masturbating?"

He grimaced. "Well." He snorted. "I got married so I wouldn't have to do that anymore."

"You heard what Jeannie said. She feels you're ruining the relationship by having sex whenever you want to, without any concern for how she feels about it." We turned back to Jeannie. "Is that right?"

She nodded.

Joe's voice was stronger this time. "It's her duty."

We ignored his remark. "Do you want her to get so fed up she leaves you?"

He looked directly at us this time. "That isn't what she said. And no. Of course I don't want her to leave me. She won't, either. We love each other."

"Then why are you here?" He didn't answer, so we continued. "She insisted that you come. You already told us that. And do you think she'd have made this kind of a fuss if this wasn't important to her? She wants some things changed, doesn't she?"

He mumbled assent.

"We didn't hear Jeannie say she doesn't want to have sex with you. What we heard was that she feels there's a problem that's big enough to cause trouble between you two if it isn't solved. She said you made her feel used and abused. Can you expect that she'll want to stay with you if you keep on using and abusing her?"

Again, the mumbled sound. Was he agreeing?

"What's she's saying is that she wants you to love her —not screw her."
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Jeannie came to life. "That's right!" She faced Joe squarely. "When you come home from work with all your problems, I want you to talk them out with me. But all you do is jack off on me. You aren't even thinking of me at all. It makes me feel bad."

In one form or another, this conversation is repeated often in our consultation room. Closeness in marriage is built with more than just sex. Sex is part of it. An important part, that is true. But a word must be said here for an understanding of the other aspects of a relationship. If a man expects to use intercourse to relieve tension that would better be relieved if he talked a problem out—or masturbated —then he is abusing the act. And he's abusing his wife at the same time.

Sex at its best is an act of love. Keep it that. Use masturbation to relieve tension.

Are we saying, then, that it isn't the responsibility of a wife to meet all of her husband's sex needs?

That's it! Exactly. So what you learn in this book you will probably use many times again, even if you're married, and even if your wife loves you very much. There will be times when you're better off using your hand instead of her.

So now we're back to the same old question: How did most men learn to masturbate? If what we hear is valid at all, most men learn to masturbate as boys, and they learn from other boys. A big boy in the block teaches younger ones. "You move your hand up and down on your prick, and after a while some juice shoots out and it feels good." And that's the extent of the lesson. Orgasms and ejaculation are the same thing. That's what most boys learn.

But we have presented cases where this was not what a boy learned, and they lead us to believe that most of these small boys who listen to their older companion learn something else beside the "right way" to masturbate. They learn to ignore their own experiences. They learn to discount the many times when they continued to "jack off," reaching peak after peak, all without ejaculation. They learn that this experience doesn't count because "that isn't the way it should be done."
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Why are we so sure of this? Because, generally speaking, the subjects we studied who continued their multiorgasmic masturbation into maturity somehow managed to miss the "back alley" lessons in "jacking off" that are so common in our society.

Jim is a good example. As a boy, he learned to masturbate in the shower. He ran water on his penis, and it got hard. When he got old enough, he ejaculated under the shower. He continued this method of masturbating all through high school and college. When he found himself in a gang of boys, talking about masturbation, he could carry his part without ever realizing that they were talking about two different techniques. Jim just never developed a response pattern that was effective when he tried intercourse.

When Jim married, he couldn't get an erection with his partner unless they were in the shower. He had to be taught —as an adult—how to masturbate by copying the up-and-down motion that simulated coitus.

Saul is another man who didn't learn to masturbate by conventional means. He masturbated by lying face down and moving his body so his penis rubbed against the sheet. He, too, had to learn a new pattern of response before he was capable of "normal" sexual intercourse with a partner. His problem? He could get an erection without any difficulty. But coitus did not put enough pressure on his penis, so he couldn't reach a climax.

So you can see that the way a boy learns to masturbate can affect his ability to have intercourse when he becomes a man. If that's so, you can see that how you masturbate now can also affect whether you will eventually be able to have multi-orgasms during coitus. The way you do it is important, and we provide specific instructions in Chapter Eight.

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