Chapter VII
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Forgive us for repeating—but this is important.

The first thing you must do is get rid of your fears of masturbating, even if you think you don't have any. They're very deeply ingrained in most men. You've all heard at least one of these old bromides. Remember, they aren't true!

       1.    Men have only a specific amount of semen. If you waste any by masturbating, you might run out before you're old, and then you'll be impotent. Nonsense!
       2.    You'll get warts on your hands. Foolishness!
       3.    It's sinful. Wrong!
       4.    It's dirty. Hogwash!

Masturbation is a natural, normal act, performed by animals as well as humans. There is no cause for guilt. So you have to get rid of the feeling that you're doing something wrong when you touch your genitals. That's important.

Very important.

If you are to learn to be multi-orgasmic, you can't feel guilty while you're doing the exercises. You need to send signals to your brain that say "it's okay, it's really okay," until you truly feel that it is.
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Because guilt has a lot to do with the way you have sex.


Guilt Is a Bummer

Guilt often causes men to have sex as if they were late for an appointment. Women know the symptoms. As Mary put it, "It's in, out, and off to sleep. I never have a chance."

There's even an old one-liner about it. "Wham, bam, thank you ma'am."

From the very start, boys aim for quick orgasms. They feel guilty. They know it's wrong. They're afraid they'll be caught.

Dr. Wardell Pomeroy in his book Boys and Sex suggests that since most all boys masturbate, they should learn to masturbate for long periods of time so that, as adults, they can "go" longer during intercourse. An excellent suggestion. But there aren't very many parents who encourage their sons' masturbation. Even in a family where masturbation is accepted, there are no lessons given. In fact, since in such families the practice is often to say nothing about it, the results are usually the same as in families where masturbation is considered bad. The child still feels guilty when he does it. Silence isn't always golden.

Bernard was a good example of this "hands off" policy toward self-stimulation. He was "pretty heavily into masturbation" when he was a boy. "I masturbated every day. I'd either go into the bathroom and lock the door, or I'd do it at night—after I went to bed. I was real careful, though. I didn't want to ejaculate in bed, 'cause then my mother would find out. I didn't know how she'd feel about it, but I figured she'd object, and I didn't want to be hassled."

We asked how he avoided messing the bedclothes.
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"Well, I used Kleenex—lots of it. And then I had to figure out what to do with all that paper. So most of the time I did it in the shower or in the bathroom, over the toilet. One time I was standing over the toilet masturbating and I'd forgotten to lock the door. My mom came in. She didn't say anything. I was about fourteen, I guess. It really bothered me because she didn't say anything. I was a lot more careful after that."

"Why did it bother you?"

"I guess I thought it was wrong, and that she should have scolded me. I never did quite understand why she never said anything. She didn't even look surprised, and I know she saw me."

"Perhaps she felt it was all right and didn't know you had guilt feelings."

"Maybe. I never thought about it that way. I guess I just figured that anything that feels that good had to be bad." He paused, thinking. "I guess I still feel that way. You know what I mean?"

Yes, we did understand. We've had too many clients who resisted when we tried to get them to masturbate, even when they knew that masturbation would solve the sexual problem that brought them to us.

The truth is that there is tacit acceptance of masturbation among boys. But even today, as enlightened as we are sexually, we still seem to feel that adults shouldn't do it. That they shouldn't need to, especially if they have sex partners.

"Yeah, I masturbated a lot as a kid," Jerry, another client, announced. "But I don't do it now. It isn't right. I'm married. My wife wouldn't like me to. Isn't there anything else I could do? Maybe another woman?"
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We had to talk quite a while to convince him that, in our experience with men and women who function well sexually, masturbation is usually engaged in quite frequently. It doesn't take the place of intercourse—but it seems to serve to relieve tension when that is all that is needed, it helps balance things when two people have very different sex drives, it helps one partner when the other is "too tired", uninterested (not necessarily because he or she doesn't love the other, but because of some temporary, all-consuming activity that for a time makes sex secondary), or unavailable. Sometimes such a person masturbates just for fun. Because masturbation still feels good—even when one is an adult.


Can You Overdo It?

A number of people come to us because they fear they are masturbating excessively. Yet when we question them, we find that they are quite normal, especially since most such clients have few opportunities to enjoy intercourse. If a problem exists, it can be because of the location an individual chooses when he masturbates. Obviously, public masturbation will offend others, and could lead to arrest. But the masturbation itself is not the problem.

Rex is a good example of this. Until about five years before he came to us, Rex worked as a stunt driver. His job was filled with tense moments and excitement. When he had an accident that put him in bed for some time, he missed the excitement.

Concurrently, because of the injury he had suffered, he had a lot less sex with his wife. This they both accepted.

But when he regained his health, he and his wife still did not have sex as often as they had before his accident. He came to us because of what he termed "excessive masturbation." He explained that he didn't just masturbate in the bathroom. "If I see a pretty girl when I'm driving along, I'll masturbate in my car. I'm afraid someone will see me. I've even started looking into windows of houses and masturbating while I watch a woman inside. I know that's dangerous. I have to stop it. If I ever got caught, they'd put me away and lose the keys."
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He explained that he did this ". . . about two or three times a week. It's too often. I know that. I've got to cut it out."

We know from our research that a man who masturbates two or three times a week is not being excessive, especially if he and his wife have intercourse only every week or two, as Rex and his wife now did. The problem was not how much he masturbated, but his need to combine masturbation with actual danger.

"How does it feel when you're masturbating where you might be caught? Does the adrenalin rush up, and do you feel as turned on as you used to be when you drove a car in some dangerous stunt?"

He seemed surprised at our question, but he nodded yes.

"Do you miss the stunt driving?"

"I sure do. It was a real turn-on. You know." We could see that he was already ahead of us.

"Is there any way you can get some of that excitement back into your life without risking arrest? Have you ever gone to a nudist park?"

"Yes. I liked that, and I didn't feel a need to masturbate while I was there. But my wife hated it, so that's out."

We asked more about his sex life.

"It isn't what it was twenty years ago. We aren't very close anymore, and I miss that. I don't think she cares if we ever have sex."

"Is your behavior a cry for help?" We watched him closely. "Have you ever tried to commit suicide?"

His eyes shot open. "How did you guess that? I did, about five years ago. I was in therapy for three years after that. I wouldn't try that again."
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"Not consciously. But have you thought that your risking arrest is a form of suicide? You've told us that it would be the end. That your wife would probably leave you. That you'd have to go to jail and they'd throw away the key. You know they wouldn't do that, of course. But you would have to register as a sex offender, and wherever you moved, you'd have to reregister. If there was ever a sex crime committed, you'd be contacted and questioned. Your life, at least as you know it, would be over."

He was silent for a time. "Yeah, I know. That's why I want you to help me. I don't want that to happen, but I risk it, anyway, don't I?"

Yes, we agreed, he did. We continued. "There's another possibility. Is this, maybe, a way for you to focus attention on yourself—like it was focused on you when you were a stunt driver? Maybe that is part of all this."

Again, he seemed surprised. "How did you know? It does make me feel important. I sort of picture how it would be if I was caught, with a lot of people staring at me. But I know it wouldn't be the same, and I know I'm being stupid. But I just can't stop. That's what scares me."

"Would you ever touch one of the women you watch? Would you hurt anyone?"

He appeared shocked. "Of course not! But my wife thinks I might. And I'm getting a little worried because I feel as if I'm losing control. I do it now even when I tell myself I won't."

"How would you feel about having more contact with your wife, with lots of kissing and hugging?"

He smiled for the first time. "I'd love it! You know, my wife is Catholic, and I know it hurts her when I masturbate. But she won't have sex with me. What am I supposed to do?"

"Have you considered that you might be courting disaster just to get back at her for her rejection?"

He answered quickly. "No, of course not! But if sex was good between us again. I'd probably stop all this."
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He decided that he could work on finding something to do that would give him back at least a bit of the high he used to feel when he drove stunt cars. And he recognized that if he succeeded there, he'd probably lick the problem of his masturbating in dangerous places. His problems were solved in time, but only after he found a substitute for the stunt-car excitement that he missed so much, and developed a closer, more intimate relationship with his wife.

Several other cases of "excessive" masturbation have similar themes. In them, the masturbation was only a side issue. Despite the belief on the part of the client that he was masturbating excessively, he was actually doing it only a couple of times a week.

Only one man in our acquaintance, Jake, could possibly be termed an excessive masturbator. He did it seven to ten times a day—so often that it interfered with his job and with his relationships with others. He wasn't in therapy when we knew him, nor do we know whether he ever sought therapy. What we do know is that the dynamics of his life were similar to those of Rex.

Rex had a wife who worked, who paid little attention to him, and who disapproved of his masturbating. However, he did not have the problem. Jake had, since he confined his activity to his own home. In his case, he seemed to get what he wanted. He masturbated this much to get his wife's attention—and he succeeded. After they began to communicate again, his need for therapy vanished.

Occasionally, a couple will come in because the wife complains that her husband prefers masturbation to having sex with her. Sometimes, this is the result of the wife being too demanding of her husband, so that he begins to feel that he can't live up to her expectations. He finally reaches the conclusion that it's easier for him to masturbate than it is for him to try to please her.
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You will notice that none of the problems we have mentioned were really problems of masturbation. They were social problems, focusing on masturbation. Sometimes masturbation served as a solution to the problem. Sometimes it aggravated the problem. But in itself, the self-stimulation was not wrong. At least it enabled the individual to keep up his sexual function while he worked at finding a solution to his social difficulties.

We conclude that any time intercourse is enjoyed less than two or three times a week, it is to be expected that masturbation will be needed to keep the body in "sexual condition." The old adage "use it or lose it" certainly applies here, possibly more than in any other human activity.


What About Just Finding Another Woman?

Some men are so strongly opposed to masturbation that they honestly believe they're better off if they find another woman. Adultery or fornication, in other words, is better than that horrible act of self-stimulation. Such men find partners who will accept them for sex, but with whom they never form emotional relationships. If sex with their wives would become more frequent, they'd never "go outside" again. Incidentally, don't jump to the conclusion that women involved in such "outside" relationships are always victims. There are women who want a purely sexual relationship, too. Some are married, and like the men they "use," they just need more sex. This isn't a behavior pattern that is found only in males.

Bud, another of our clients, is a good example of this type. He talked a great deal about his wife and children and what a great family he had. There was only one problem, he said: His wife just wasn't interested in sex. They had been married for fifteen years, and for the last five years, he had had an "outside" sex partner.

This woman worked in his office. About once a week he'd go to her house, they'd have dinner together, and then they'd have sex. He never spent much time with her, since they had very little in common. "Sally's someone to have sex with once in a while. She doesn't have a steady boyfriend, so it's good for her, too."
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We asked if he'd consider divorcing his wife to marry Sally.

"Oh, no. Neither of us want that. If I could get things going with my wife again, I wouldn't see Sally again. She'd understand. I know if she found someone who gave her good sex and who had more interests that matched hers, we wouldn't see each other again, either. But I don't really know what I'd do if that happened. I might not be so lucky with the next woman I found. I know Sally will never do anything to jeopardize my marriage. And if I found another woman who liked the same things I do, that would be bad, too."

We asked why he pursued this relationship when he knew it wasn't going anywhere.

"Because I know I can't hurt Sally. We both just want the sex. I'd feel guilty if I thought I was hurting her."

We asked why he didn't just masturbate. After all, in a way, that was all he was doing with Sally, except that they were using each other to do it.

He looked surprised. "I can't do that. It's not right." Then he smiled. "Funny, isn't it? I'm willing to cheat on my wife with another woman, but I won't masturbate. I feel too guilty for that."

So it is with many men. The guilt runs deep. But there are people who accept masturbation as natural, and who include it as an important part of their sex lives.
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One common belief is that only a woman is frustrated when the duration of sex is short. But we have had men come to us because, even though they ejaculate and have orgasm, they still feel unsatisfied. Sometimes, such a man has sex more than once a day, attempting to make up in numbers what he misses in quality. Some scientists believe that there are natural chemicals released into the bloodstream with touch. Other physical changes are known to take place in the body with sexual arousal and response. We speculate that with some people the short duration of sexual activity does not allow these changes to occur. Therefore the sense of well-being that usually accompanies intercourse may not be achieved, leaving the person frustrated and seeking further touching activity, which in our culture usually means sex. We find that often such a man needs only to learn to last longer, so that his body can fully experience the tension and release that comes with satisfying sex. For such a man, multi-orgasms are important.

The same thing is seen in women who are unsatisfied sexually. We find that when these people learn to make sex last longer, the body tensions they feel dissipate. So if you often find yourself feeling oddly unsatisfied, even after a good "quicky," you have an additional reason for cultivating the ability to draw sex out as long as possible.

And when you've done that, you're well on your way to multiple-orgasms.

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