Chapter VIII
<< You Can Learn to Multiply Orgasms >>
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Much of the last chapter was taken up with the arguments and the techniques men use to avoid masturbation. Now we must return to the men who use masturbation to get acquainted with their own bodies—the men who came to us claiming they were multi-orgasmic. They used masturbation to get the most from their bodies. They had no need to concern themselves with a partner while they were learning.
That is why we have emphasized the importance of masturbation to you. It's the quickest way for you to learn the lessons we have to teach. After you have learned how to have multiple orgasms alone you can try them with a partner. But if you insist on avoiding masturbation as a tool for learning, you will take longer to master the skill. And maybe you will never learn it at all.
One thing to consider. In the past, you have probably masturbated in a hurry, afraid you'd be caught at it. Now you must take a different approach. We want you to keep it up for a long time. Relax, avoid any pressure that will make you cut short the time you have set aside. Long, drawn-out self-stimulation is the temporary learning device you are going to use in becoming multi-orgasmic. Whether you use it again after that will be up to you.
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Remember, masturbation is self-stimulation designed to result in erotic pleasure. It, in itself, is not ever a problem. It can be a help. And in the goal you seek, it is very important.
Actually, for the purposes of your becoming multiorgasmic, we will redefine masturbation and call it a tool— a device you can use to change your sex pattern. We urge the use of masturbation because:
1. You won't have to worry about anyone other than yourself while you're learning.
2. You don't even have to feel particularly "sexy" when you start. In fact, you'll find things work better if you don't try to practice the things we tell you to do when you're "horny." Your need for release will interfere with your awareness of the changes that are occurring in your body.
3. You're looking for ejaculatory control. Like any skill that requires self-awareness, this is difficult to accomplish if you're distracted. When you're alone you have a better chance of reaching your goal.
In therapy, when we're dealing with a man who has problems with erections or wishes to go longer, we tell him to masturbate at least two or three times a week for twenty minutes or more each time.
Even if he isn't interested.
Even if he doesn't feel "sexy" at all.
It's the stimulation of the genitalia that is, in itself, the goal. If, after twenty minutes, the man feels a wish to ejaculate, that's okay. It won't affect the exercise if he does. But many men don't. What they are learning is that it is as important to keep the genitalia in "peak" condition as it is to keep any other part of the body in shape. No one is embarrassed at the thought that they need to exercise their legs, or their lungs. So consider your sex organs as just another part of you that needs to be kept in trim. And just as jogging is good for the legs, so masturbation is good for the sex organs.
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There is one thing that needs to be made clear: Multiorgasmic men typically do not feel ashamed or guilty about masturbation, but at the same time, they aren't addicted to it or dependent on it. They never worry that they will develop such an "addiction." That's the attitude you need to develop.
The best tool to use in learning to be multi-orgasmic and to go longer during sex is masturbation. Not necessarily the way you've done it before, however. Now, your aim is not to "get off" quickly, but to move slowly, using gentle strokes. You want to make this last as long as possible. To start with, lie on your back with your knees bent and slightly apart. We urge that you use this position because multi-orgasmic men seem to prefer the man-on-his-back, woman-on-top position, and you are now trying to develop into a multi-orgasmic man. This position will also allow an easy transition from masturbation to intercourse.
Some positions and methods used during masturbation aren't compatible with intercourse. Chuck's procedure was a good example. Chuck learned to masturbate, as most boys do, when he was about twelve. "I found that if I crossed my ankles and rotated my hips with my penis between my legs, it felt really good. I learned to ejaculate that way. But now I can't ejaculate when I have intercourse."
He said he had had sex with at least fifty women, and never ejaculated with any of them. It frustrated and embarrassed him. He had to "assume his old position" in order to ejaculate.
We asked if he had ever tried to masturbate using his hand.
He said no. "It's wrong to touch yourself there."
Who, we asked him, had told him that?
"No one. But it just isn't right."
We smiled. "Will your penis fall off?"
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He laughed aloud. "No."
"You'll go to hell?"
He laughed louder. "No."
"So why is it wrong?"
"I don't know. No reason, I guess. It's silly, but I feel that way. Can you help me?"
We had to convince him first that he should touch his penis, since masturbation was a necessary part of his therapy. Then we offered him some options. He could work in the lab, if he wished, where he would get positive reinforcement as he progressed. We promised to hook him up to our machines to provide additional information as he worked. He agreed to that immediately.
When he came in, we had a therapy team, composed of a male and a female, work with him. They helped him by giving suggestions about how to move his hands, and they also kept an eye on the machines and told him what was happening with his responses.
Another option he was given was to be connected to a "masturbation machine," so he didn't have to touch himself. We advised against that, since he needed to learn to feel more relaxed about his body. This he agreed with, so the machine was set aside.
We told him to lie on his back during his "lessons," for the reasons we've mentioned before, and he agreed. As he followed our instructions, he gradually freed himself from his old masturbatory pattern, and when he left us, he was able to ejaculate during intercourse.
We find in therapy that most men prefer to have the woman on top. We also find that many women don't, at first, like that position. They seem to feel that men should do most of the "work" of sex.
However, if a man is to be multi-orgasmic, he needs strength. When he is in the superior position, he is under great physical strain. He must hold himself up so as not to crush his partner. After he has one orgasm in this position, he's usually totally exhausted. He falls back on the bed and goes to sleep. And no wonder—he's been exercising very strenuously.
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It's different when he's on his back: he can relax more. The woman on top does not have to work as hard as he did; she's usually lighter, so she isn't in danger of crushing him. She has an additional benefit. Since she's more in control of the movements, she can adjust the action to fit her needs. Generally, when we explain this, couples agree to try the woman-superior position, and find that they prefer it, after all.
Lesson Time
Most men masturbate by grabbing the penis and moving the hand up and down the shaft. That's how we want you to do it. But you've probably moved your hand quickly in the past. You should change now. We want you to move your hand slowly, gently, using a light touch. You are to try to use about the same pressure as you'd feel from the walls of the vagina during intercourse. We find that some cases of ejaculatory "incompetence" are caused because a man is accustomed to masturbating with a firm pressure of his fingers—a pressure far greater than he experiences when he has intercourse. When a man comes to therapy complaining of this problem, the first thing we ask him is how he holds his penis when he masturbates. Often, when he adjusts this pressure to match the pressure of a vagina, his problem is solved.
Ken had been through other sex therapy before he came to us. He was surprised at our question. "I've been asked before if I ejaculated when I masturbated, but no one has ever asked me about the pressure I used. I never thought it made any difference. I just thought that being with a woman would turn me on so everything would be okay."
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It took Ken a few weeks to adjust to this change in his masturbation pattern. Because it was important to him, he worked conscientiously to make the adjustment. When he ended his therapy, he was ejaculating with intercourse. Nine months later, we received a birth announcement from Ken and his very happy wife. Our therapy had been successful.
Squeeze Play
If you've read other books about sex, you have probably heard of the squeeze technique. We use it extensively in our therapy, for it provides a man with a method for extending the time during sex before he ejaculates. If you're able to go for fifteen to twenty minutes without ejaculating during masturbation or intercourse, you probably don't need to practice this exercise, but we suggest that you do it anyway, so that you master the technique. You will then be equipped to handle unexpected changes in your sexual lifestyle.
What kind of changes? The most obvious is having something happen to limit your sexual activity temporarily, or cut it off entirely. When, after a period of deprivation, men resume sexual activity, they tend to ejaculate far too quickly, at least for a time. If you know how to use the squeeze technique, you can get things under control much faster.
Three different techniques can be used to delay ejaculation during masturbation and intercourse. Right now, they apply only to masturbation. The first (1) is the squeeze technique. The second (2) is tightening the PC muscle. The third (3) is to keep your testicles from moving up close to your body (more on this later).
The squeeze technique (1) is done by placing the first two fingers on the underside of the penis and the thumb on top. In this position, squeeze tightly. The picture below will illustrate what we mean.
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Squeeze Technique |
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When this is done, the penis may grow larger, it may go completely limp, or it may remain somewhere in between as far as firmness is concerned. Whatever happens, don't worry. Just hold the tight pressure for fifteen seconds, and then begin the back-and-forth movement again, whether you still have an erection or not, for at least twenty minutes. Use the squeeze as often as you have to to stop yourself from ejaculating.
As your confidence increases, you'll find that you don't have to use ."the squeeze" as often. Sometimes, you can let your
PC muscles (2) take over, tightening them instead of squeezing. Sometimes you'll do best if you use both techniques. But don't set any limits for yourself. Men who have sex daily are more apt to reach the point of ejaculatory control quicker than men who don't have sex often. Some men reach this control within a week—others have taken up to six months. The important thing is to keep up the practice. Perseverance pays off, in this as in any other form of physical training.
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Once you can go for fifteen or twenty minutes without having to squeeze, it is time for you to move to the next step. Now you'll work to get as close to what is called "ejaculatory inevitability" as you can before you squeeze. You'll feel it approaching if you're attentive to your body changes. Most men, we find, are able to tell us when they're going to have an orgasm.
You'll want to use this squeeze technique as close to that point as possible. The object is to stop yourself from ejaculating but not from having an orgasm. At first you probably won't have much luck. You'll miss that critical point, maybe only by microseconds. But the day will come when you'll be right on the dot.
When this happens, you'll find that you can repeat the process, each time with greater ease. There will still be misses, but there will be more successes each time you masturbate. In time you'll be able to hold off on your ejaculation until you're ready to end your sex session. You'll find, incidentally, that the intensity of each orgasm will be greater and remain high for a longer time when you do not ejaculate.
Ejaculatory Inevitability
A bit more about ejaculatory inevitability. It's important that you learn to recognize this moment. Pay attention to your feelings and to the changes that take place in your body. You may feel the sensation without even having an erection. Don't let that surprise you. An erection isn't necessary for orgasm—or for the use of the squeeze technique.
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If you have trouble locating that moment of "no-return", use this plan. As soon as you get an erection (even a "small" one), use the squeeze technique, holding for fifteen seconds. Then return to the up-and-down movement that stimulates you, remembering to keep it gentle and light. Do a few strokes, and squeeze again. Next time, let a little more time pass before you squeeze. If you don't feel any need to ejaculate, extend the time more. You'll locate that point of no return for your body in that manner. A few miscues along the way are to be expected. Don't let them worry you. After all, you're learning something new. Don't expect a perfect record with no errors on the way.
We've found that for most men there is a period after the point of ejaculatory inevitability and before ejaculation when there is intense pleasure. It lasts for about five seconds, and then the semen is expelled. You want to come as close to that point as possible, so you don't interrupt the pleasure sequence, but rather extend it. This will occur by stopping ejaculation. If you find that moment, you'll cut off the flow, but not the sensations. From what our subjects tell us, you'll experience pure ecstasy.
Keep Them Down
All this will be easier if you have followed our advice and are masturbating slowly. Slow movements allow you to identify every change that takes place in your body.
One change that will be quite obvious will come about in your testicles. Normally, they hang in the scrotal sac, several inches below the base of the penis. You can lift them with your pelvic muscles or with your hand. During sexual arousal, the scrotal sac tightens and lifts the testicles up against the body. You can't ejaculate unless they're in that position. So, to postpone ejaculation, you can pull the scrotum down manually, keeping the testicles down far enough to keep them from assuming the position that will make
ejaculation inevitable (3). Some men do this by holding their testicles between their legs as they masturbate, and sometimes even while they have intercourse.
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Lesson Time—Again!
You don't think you need a lesson in how to masturbate?
Think again.
Most men learned to masturbate when they were boys, and they were always afraid they'd be caught. So how did they do it?
Right! As quickly as they could. They kept their bodies tense, and they moved their hands very quickly. What's more, they grasped the penis far too firmly.
If you learned that method, give this new one a try. This is the technique that will pave the way to your becoming multi-orgasmic. And that's your goal, isn't it?
So we're going to spell it all out—even though we'll be repeating much that you already know, or have read on the preceding pages of this book.
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1. Get comfortable and relaxed. Lie down on your back, preferably on a bed.
2. Have your knees bent and slightly apart.
3. Gently, lightly, stroke your inner thighs and up your body all the way to your nipples. Be sure to spend time caressing your penis and scrotum.
4. Take the penis at the base with your thumb and index finger and move the foreskin gently and slowly toward the end of the penis and back. If you're circumcised, your strokes should be a bit shorter, or your fingers should slide a bit more. Be gentle. And keep it slow.
5. Stroke your nipples (yes, men have nerve endings in their nipples, just as women do) with the hand that isn't stroking your penis. The nipples will grow hard (erect). Even if you don't think you have any response there, do it. Your body will react.
6. Stroke your penis gently from base to head with slow, light strokes.
7. Use pressure on the penis that is about as much as you'll get from the walls of the vagina. If you don't know what that would be, then use the force of a light-to-medium handshake. Avoid any hard, over-firm pressure. You'll be training yourself to ejaculate during sexual intercourse, and most vaginas aren't that tight.
8. Continue the up-and-down stroking for twenty minutes. See how much pleasure you can get without speeding up and working toward ejaculation. If you can, keep your testicles down. When you feel yourself getting close to orgasm, use the squeeze technique, or tighten your PC muscles.
9. Use the squeeze technique whenever you get close to ejaculation. Squeeze for fifteen or twenty seconds, release, and go back to stroking. Don't worry if your penis loses some degree of erection.
10. Let your mind wander to the most pleasurable sexual things you can think of. If it adds to your enjoyment, read an erotic book or look at erotic pictures in a magazine.
11. After you are able to masturbate for fifteen to twenty minutes without ejaculating (with the use of the squeeze technique), see how close to ejaculatory inevitability you can come and still not ejaculate. Use the squeeze technique when necessary, and also tighten the pelvic muscle and use the technique of holding your testicles away from your body.
12. See if you can have an orgasm without ejaculating. You may find a little semen coming out. Don't worry. Many men who are multi-orgasmic ejaculate a little semen with each orgasm.
13. Masturbate at least two or three times a week.
14. Take time to pleasure yourself. Find a time when you won't be interrupted. If necessary, lock your bedroom door. Remember, the name of the game is fun. Do what you feel like doing. If you like to use a vibrator, use it. If you prefer to fondle silk or feathers while you masturbate, go ahead. Everything goes when you're by yourself, as long as it's not hurtful. Do what you need to do to gain the utmost pleasure. Expect pleasure. If you can masturbate for at least twenty to thirty minutes with uninterrupted pleasure, it will make no difference to you whether you have one orgasm during the time or a dozen.
15. Remember that you want to establish a pattern that will be easily transferred to intercourse. It doesn't have to be done in the position we've described, even though we've found it works best for most men. You're an individual. You have to accept your own way—and your own body. Do what's right for you.
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